Even now I smile over it because you didn't listen to a damned thing he said and did what you wanted. You always were one to make your own rules and break everyone else's, and when the rules couldn't be broken you ignored them. I always loved that about you, and I still do. I still love you as much now as I did the first moment we met.
Everyone looks at me with sorrow on their brows tonight, but they don't speak it. It's not that they don't want to, it's that they know nothing they say is going to come out right. It's your birthday today, and they know it's hardest on me today because it's when the memories really rush back to me, and tonight they are especially strong because of where we are: the arena you did your last entrance in. The arena you last heard the crowd scream for you. The last arena you stepped foot in before you left us. Left me.
I can see Stephanie across the hall, and though I want to go to her and she wants to come to me, neither of us does because we just can't stand to be around each other today. It just hurts too much and reminds us of how much we miss you, how much you meant...No, how much you *mean* to us, though we've been without you for what seems like an eternity. How much we still love you, though in different ways- her as your best friend, me as your husband.
I still remember our wedding day, like it just happened. You were so nervous I thought you would pass out before we even made it to the Cathedral. You were so tired, so worn out from all the treatments and meds that I almost called it off and demanded we have a simple wedding at home where you could rest. You wouldn't have that though, so the grand wedding it was, in front of everyone I think we've ever met in our lives.
But you know what? All I remember was looking into your hazel eyes and seeing the tears slip from them as you looked into mine as we read our vows.
"I promise, Hunter, to always be yours, for you already have me. I promise that nothing will ever keep my heart from yours, for it's already beating within your chest. I promise not to crack up every time you do that water spit thing in the shower when you think no one is looking, for that would take away from the mocking I do behind your back in the locker room. You are my love, life, my heart, my soul. You always have been, and so you shall always be."
"I promise, Shane, to protect you, love you, and honor you until the day I die and beyond. I promise that no matter how silly you look dancing around the house in your R2-D2 boxers singing 'Cocky', I will never laugh at you, at least not until I show it to everyone else in the locker room between matches. You are my love, my life, my heart, my soul. You have always been, and so you shall always be."
Damn it, Hunter. Why did this have to happen to you? You were so young, so full of life. So full of love. Why couldn't I have been the one to get cancer? I know you would have been strong enough to move on, to keep it together.
I'm not, Hunter. I'm not strong enough to live without you by my side. Each year it just gets harder and harder, and I slip further and further into this depression, into this loneliness, into this emptiness inside me since you've been gone.
A hand on my shoulder barely even registers in my brain, but I know it's Steph. She knows what I'm thinking right now. Fuck knows we've rehashed this shit enough over the years, but she knows it's different tonight. She knows how far I'm slipping.
"You don't have to be here, Shaner. Do what Dad said and go back to the hotel and spend the night with Hunter." Her words are so soft, so full of sadness. I never really realized how much she missed you until now, but I know she can't feel the way I do; she can't be this lost.
It's right this minute, this very fucking second, that I know how to make it all away. I know how you can find me. It's all so fucking clear now, and I can't believe I hadn't figured it out until now. Maybe your presence here has cleared my mind, freed my soul, lifted the burden. It doesn't really matter the reason, because I know now what I must do.
I nod at Steph and hug her. I tell her I love her, tell her to tell Mom and Dad I love them to, that I am happy that we all are as close as we are. Thankful that we have had each other through all these years.
Before I leave, I stop in to see Chris. Without a word he knows what's on mind, but he doesn't say anything, just quietly accepts it with a sad smile, like he knew it was going to be tonight. And I guess he did; he's always known me better than I've known myself, almost as well as you did, and I guess that's why we're best friends. We tell each other "I love you" and I walk silently out the door into the thick summer air toward the tracks.
I remember the last time we were here. We bought a bottle of something, whiskey I think, and laid by the tracks watching the trains go by until we fell asleep. We didn't do anything but drink, talk, and watch those damn trains, and I swear it was the happiest night of my life. In fact, I know it was the happiest, and I haven't had a happy one since. You died there, in my arms as we slept under the stars. I woke up and looked at you, but your eyes never opened again.
"I love you, Shane. No matter what happens, you have to go on. I will always be with you."
That was your good-bye, wasn't it? You knew you were going to die, and you stayed strong for me until the very end. Made sure I knew how much you loved me, how happy you were to be spending the last few hours of your life with me.
Well, now it is time for me to repay you for everything you ever gave to me, for everything you ever were to me.
I hear the whistle blow, and throw the bottle in my hand toward the river as I sit on the tracks. Tonight this train is going to carry me away to you, Hunter. Carry me away to a place where we will be together again. Beyond death. Beyond hurt. Beyond being without you.
Carry me away, carry me away.
Carry Me Away - Concrete Blonde
Today I went & bought myself a bottle,
like we used to do,
reminded me of you.
Today I saw a train roll by the river,
blowing off the steam,
reminded me of me.
That's when I threw the bottle in the river.
That's when I started running for the train.
There's nothing that you need I can't deliver,
carry me away, carry me away.
Make it seven o nine California time
,
whoever said it was a small world was either a liar or a fool,
cause it's not true.
And any promise we make is as easy to break
as the plastic people on a wedding cake so says you
but you know, I do.
I hear you thinking,
from far away.
If I keep lying & crying & trying & drinking,
I'm gonna carry me away, carry me away.
If you think about me,
from far away,
I hope you find it with me, oh with me.
Carry me away, carry me away,
carry me away, carry me away,
carry me away, carry me away.
