Back To Me

I can barely even remember what I used to be like, but I know I liked myself at one time. I think I might have even loved myself, but I know I don't now. Now all I see when I look in the mirror is a hallow shell of what I used to be. I wish you could understand what it's like for me, how you make me feel about myself, but I know I can't. I know you're never gonna understand because you aren't me. You are the perfect one, you don't *need* to do all of the things you do to yourself- the clothes, the make-up- to be perfect. So all I can do is let you try to make me as perfect as you are. I just wish you cared that I'm not happy.

No matter what I do to make you happy with me, it fails. Sometimes it fails miserably, but I still keep trying to make you happy. Everything I do is for you. you know this and still you berate me at turn, belittle me every chance you get. You've never been this way before, so at first I blamed myself. I still blame myself, but I know it's not my fault. When your're asleep and I don't hear you saying the words, I know it's really me I have to blame for the way I am now because I don't stop you from doing it. I just love you too much, and if negative is what you dish out, then I'm gonna take what I can get from you.

For as long as I can remember it seemed as if we were one perfect being that was seperated into two bodies. We shared everything, and you used to... you used to make me feel so good about myself. You'd tell me how beautiful I was, how wonderful I made you feel. You were always so much more than a brother or lover to me- you were me, Jeff, and you still are, but I just don't know if I can take this anymore. I want to love myself again, and I want you to love me for who I am, not who you want me to be. Can't you understand that?

I feel like I just met you, like you're this new guy who just came into my life and took over the Jeff I knew and loved. What did I do to you to make you hate me, Jeff? I've always done whatever you've asked of me, never argued, never even doubted that what you wanted was what was best for both of us. I'm not sure you want what's best for us anymore, though. When I step outside myself, I can see that you are trying to obliterate all of my self worth by telling me how stupid I am, how unpretty I have become.

Well, Jeff, I do love you, but I think it's time I got back to me. I have to be true to myself, and as much as it hurts me to do so, I have to leave. I just can't let you do this to me anymore. I am pretty, and I am smart. I can make it on my own, whether I want to or not. Maybe my leaving will make you see how unpretty you've become, both on the inside and out.

Maybe it will help you get back to me, too.

Back to One Shots

Back to Main