First of all, I am not the asshole everyone makes me out to be- that I make myself out to be. I *do* have feelings. Wants. Desires. Emotions. Tears. I know what it means to love. I know what it means to cry. I am not as ambitious as I am labeled. I would not do anything under the sun to further my career, though I have come damn close. I do NOT value my career more than those I love, though there are more than a few people who would disagree with that claim.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't do anything differently if I had a second chance. Well, maybe a few things. I wouldn't have betrayed Jesse and Billy and Sean. I wasn't trying to alienate them, it just happened that way. Maybe I was just mad a Shawn for turning his back on me and took it out on them. Maybe I thought that was the way friends treated each other. Maybe I was just stupid. I dunno. Maybe I shouldn't have taken the script so literally.
Shawn and I weren't lovers, not like everyone thought we were, anyway. We were best friends. We were like brothers, I guess you could say. We did everything except fuck each other. That's the way I was with all of them, though. I would hold their hands, so they knew I was there. I would nurse them to health when they were sick. I would stay with them at the hospital when they were hurt.
Because I do love each and every one of them. They are my family. My lifeline... And somehow my vision got all cloudy and I fucked it up. I hope they know how sorry I am for the things I did that I didn't have to do. I hope they know I love them to this day, regardless of all the things I have done.
I was hoping that the wind biting through my flesh would help to numb this aching in my heart, this emptiness in my soul, but as usual, I was wrong. I still can't get Mark out of my mind no matter how hard I try. I still love him more than anything I have ever loved in my life.
I don't know why I went to see him. I knew nothing was different, but I guess I just had to prove it to myself. So when the company came here to Montgomery for a show, I had to go. Just to make sure. I wish now I hadn't gone. It was very hard to see him. Even though I know he hasn't been with anyone since he left me. When I walked into his locker room, he just stared at me and I was lost in those green eyes again.
I had prepared to go in there and pretend everything was okay, tell him that I understood why he did what he did. But the truth is, I *don't* understand, not at all! Everything seemed so perfect, even after my quads tore. He spent all of his free time with me. Held my hand and whispered words of encouragement while I went through therapy. Gradually the visits lessened, the calls lessened, and he told me that it just wasn't fair to me for us to stay together.
We just stood there and stared at each other for a good 10 minutes, and it was all I could do to keep from breaking down... I don't know if I was happy or sad when Shane walked in to get me. On one hand, I was happy to get away from all the pain I felt, and I didn't want Shane to see me cry for anyone but him. On the other hand, I wanted nothing more than to drown in Mark's unshed tears.
Hard to believe isn't it? That 'The Game' has had a broken heart for what seems like an eternity now because of a man who I shouldn't have fallen in love with in the first place. Not hard for me to believe, because I know how much he meant- still means- to me. I know what the butterflies feel like when I see him on T.V. I remember how soft his fingers felt on my cheeks as he wiped the tears from them before he walked away from me again.
I don't know if I love Shane as much as he loves me. Truthfully, I don't know if I love Shane at all. He is so good to me, though. Helped me try to piece together everything I broke apart over the years. He's always been here for me, through everything. It's no wonder I turned to him again after Mark left me.
He hasn't spoken much since we left Mark's locker room earlier tonight. He's been like that a lot lately, actually. Tells me he loves me, kisses me, asks how my day was, etc., but never really talks to me. He's always too tired, or too busy unzipping my pants. I suppose if I were honest with myself, I would know he doesn't love me at all, that he's using me.
And I guess that's okay, because I think I am using him, too, to fill the emptiness that Mark left me with. Shane and I never really did do much of anything but fuck each other senseless, and I don't why I keep trying to tell myself that it is different this time. It's not like I will ever love him as more than a friend, or that he will ever feel anything but the same for me. But I do thank him for helping me through all the bad times.
I guess I should get back to bed before Shane wakes up and wonders where I am. By the time anyone reads this, I will probably be long forgotten, but at least I will know that someone got to see my side of things. Maybe someday an Angel will pass the message to those that mean more to me than life. Maybe an Angel will tell Jesse, Billy, Sean, Shawn, and Mark how much they meant to me, how I love them so very much.
After everyone was finished reading, Shane took the paper back, folded it and placed it underneath Hunter's resting hands. The five other men walked away, hand in hand, not hiding the tears that they all shared. Shane ran his hand down Hunter's cheek and whispered softly "Thank you for making me your Angel," then turned and walked away from Hunter's grave to join the other men.
