THE WORLD'S FINEST WRESTLING NEWS SOURCE
April 26, 2002 Edition
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Local thug "Mac,"
in an undated photo.

DATELINE FLASH! - (TWW) In a move that has stunned the wrestling world, local beach bully "Mac" has been arrested by The Police Department, with charges pending.

The Whirl is proud to have brought you this news before anyone else.

Sergeant Richard York informed The Whirl, "Uh, yes. 'Mac' is currently in dentention [at The Police Station,] facing charges of assault and battery. He allegedly attacked an individual on the beach this afternoon, for no apparent reason."

"Mac" then shouted to our reporter from his cell, "Oh, I had a reason! That big stiff was showing off in front of Grace and all the girls! I just gave him what I owed him." "Mac" then theatrically kicked over the chair in his cell.

According to eyewitness reports, "Mac" stormed the beach shortly after 1:00pm. One witness told our reporter that "Mac" seemed, "just completely hepped, up, dude. It was like he was overdosed on that Dynamic-Tension™, man. I'll never forget the look in his eyes, man. Far out."

"Mac" apparently then walked up to one beachgoer who was innocently exercising with some friends. After shouting some words which were termed, "just nonsense, man, like, totally," by one witness, "Mac" then punched the victim in the chin.

Afterward, "Mac" attempted to declare himself "Hero Of The Beach!" and he was observed to attach streamers to his back in an attempt to simulate glowing rays of light emanating about him.

As the victim was comforted by his friends, one friend used his cell phone to call The Police.

As "Mac" was hauled away, he shouted incoherent statements at a bystander about being a scarecrow.

Our reporter caught up with the apparent victim of this heinous crime, one Serge Prancer, 32, as he sat at a cafe with several friends near The Pier.

"I... I just really don't want to talk about it," said Prancer when asked about the attack. "It was just such a mean thing for him to do, I just don't want to talk about it."

One of Prancer's friends told our reporter, "He's just really still broken up over it. Really. When you've been a victim of such brutality, though, I'm sure you can understand that the healing process takes some time."

When our reporter asked about the veracity of "Mac's" claim that the victim had somehow been "showing off" in front of some woman that "Mac" apparently knows, our reporter was greeted with laughter.

"Hoo! Showing off for the girls!" one friend of the victim with blond hair and a tan said, mockingly. "I don't even know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that one, honey."

Grace was unavailable for comment.

Name: Bert Blaw
Age: 17
Hometown: Route P, Sedgewick Platte, Outskirts Of Nowhere.
Favourite Wrestler: Cooleroy
Favourite Whirl Feature: I like Whirl and all its features. The Whirl is my favourite news source. The Whirl tells you all the news. My granpaw likes The Whirl

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