Gonna Fly Now.... (Let’s get something straight people. Belt or no belt, Lantz is a champion. Just because you carry around a shiny piece of metal doesn’t make you a TRUE champion. The Red Freak has a shiny piece of metal…enough said right? No, true champions are made. They are carved from stone into mighty pillars of strength. They stand for all that is right and just. They set the trends and inspire their followers. Lantz is such a man. Title or no title he is a hero. A champion. Never, ever doubt that. But to maintain his true champion status he has to work hard. He has to continue to strive to be the best. To keep himself in shape and at the top of the IWF heap. Even now he prepares…. The scene fades into Lantz’s home. His correct home, not that twilight zone shit. Him and Amber are having a spirited discussion…) Amber: But LANTZ! The match is in two days! And look, look at yourself. You have been slacking off! Now go get your butt on a tread mill and start pumping! Lantz: Amber, friend, it is a lost cause. There is no way I can get into my typically perfect shape in the time allotted. So just bugger off already! Amber: One, your not BRITISH! Two…I think there is a way to get you in shape in time for the big race. Er…the wrestling match. Lantz: Are you pondering what I’m pondering Amber? Amber: Marathon sex? Lantz: No! A training montage! 80s STYLE! (Holy Pinky and the Brain! Can Lantz be serious? He’s not Italian! He isn’t even in a real sport…hang on to your butts… The first shot catches Lantz running down an ethnic alley. People line wither side trying to sell there homemade wares and push illegally grown foodstuffs onto the poor! Any other day Lantz would put a stop to these evil deeds. But today, is training montage day! Lantz is wearing a pair of running shoes, blue jeans and a hooded sweater. He’s running at a brisk jog followed closely by his new camera man. Long term Lantz fans will remember Running Wolf went to jail for Lantz’s white collar and victimless crimes…) Lantz: Must. Go. Faster. Camera Man: Look at these capitalist pigs! Leaving it up in their filthy rags! I spit at thee! Evil curs! May you all roast in hell! (My lord! It’s former Iraqi information minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf! From now on called Al.) Lantz: Just shut up! I can not believe Icey stuck me with an idiot like you! I have a match to be focused on! A destiny to achieve again. The last thing I need going into Sunday against Cluless and I’ll settle for A Kwik-y is some Iraq loser distracting me! It isn’t that I can’t eat both of these guys if a was chained to the turnbuckle. But I really want to defeat them in Team Better Than You fashion! I want them to know that I have superior to them in every measurable stat! I want them to quake at the knees with the very though of me! (The scene cuts to an old gym. Lantz is still dressed the same, but now he is working over a hapless punching bag, that somehow managed to get Clu’s face drawn on it. Except this one has big donkey ears…) Lantz: I’m going to beat him! (Slam!) I’m going to beat HIM! (Punch!) I’m going to BEAT HIM!!!! (POP!) I’M GOING TO BEAT HIM!!!! (Kapow!) I’M GOING TO F---ING KILL THAT LITTLE PRICK!!!! (Holy Batman he’s pissed, Batman! Lantz has jumped on the punching bag and his now rolling around on the ground punching it. He picks it up and LOCKDOWN! Lantz covers!) Lantz: One. Two. Three! Lantz wins again! Take that you little punk! Who’s da man? Who’s you daddy! Huh? Huh? (Huh is right. While Lantz continues to get down in “Clu’s” face the scene fades out again! Now we find ourselves in the same old gym, but there is a wrestling ring set up in the middle. Lantz is in the ring looking at two up and comers, who will for today play his enemies. Both look hesitant to approach Lantz…who may have gone mad.) Lantz: Come on boy! Bring it on! BRING IT ON Kirsten Dunstces! You first, you look like that bottom feeding parasite of like Kwik. Approach your master and maker! Come at me, you hear me talking to you hillbilly boy?! (The first guy slowly starts walking to Lantz, and gets nailed with a spear! No one survives the spear! Well wait, he’s getting back up after all. Darn.) Lantz: That is right Kwik. No one can touch Lantz. Not you, not the Martelles, not Iceman himself! I am the impact player in this little federation. No one can doubt that, no one can question that. I am supreme! That is why I am delivering a beating to fill the seating, and you’re doing the stage hands laundry! No you, you bring it to Lantz! (The other guy very slowly walks over. He tries a few light hits but they don’t faze Lantz. He steps up the intensity, but Lantz still no sells the offense.) Lantz: That’s right, since this is an 80’s style montage, it is 80’s style wrestling. I’m Lantzing up….BROTHA! (Lantz begins walking around the ring pumping his arms. Eventually he runs at the guy, who screams in terror, right before getting hit with a big boot. Lantz bounces off the ropes and delivers a massive Lantz’s Leg Drop of DOOM! The guy bounces around on the mat like he’s been shot, while Lantz struts around yelling “WHOOOOOOO” The scene changes again. Now Lantz is pumping iron. There seems to be a lot of weight, and he is straining a little under it.) Lantz: That is right IWF! Look at me go. Sure it may be heavy, but it is a metaphor! Like I lift these weights, I lift all of you! I have personally chosen to carry the IWF on my back. It all rides on my shoulders. And it may not always be easy, and it may not always been fun. But it my job, I chose to be the hero of this federation. To be the champion. To be the one the fans adore and the workers envy. Who here puts on the five star champion caliber matches? Who here cuts blue ribbon winning promos one after another? That is right, your hero, the savior of the Icon Wrestling Federation, Lantz Sheridan! (The scene cuts again, now Lantz is in a public park. He is sitting at a wooden desk and overhead is a banner reading, “Challenge Your Favorite IWF Superstar.” A long line of kids winds its way down the hill. Up top Lantz puts preteen after preteen away in arm wrestling.) Lantz: Yeah couldn’t have with me either could you! Go cry to your grandma, I’ll whoop her ass too! Al: Look at these toddlers! The commit suicide at the bottom of the hill rather than fight the righteous Sheridan in the contest of arm wrestling. They wet themselves scared! May they all roast, like the pig feasting muck dwellers they are, Allah willing! Lantz: Right. Also I think I have them all scared. Surprising considering that most of them are in better shape than Clu. Go fetch me another one Al, I am not stopping tell every kid in Bakersfield has been beaten. (The next scene shows Lantz chasing a chicken around a back lot… And now he is on a treadmill… Now he’s punching a slab of meat, nasty… Beating more kids at arm wrestling… Practicing different moves on his paid jobbers… Running down the street… Pumping more iron in the gym… Sipping a cold one on the couch… Watching Baywatch… Working on one of those gazelles… Running up a large flight of steps… Pulling an angry chicken off of his face… Running down the street… And finally the shots slow down. Lantz is at the top of an outside stair case. All around him people are cheering him on, except Al who is muttering something about roasting in heel.) Lantz: Ladies and gentlemen, have no fear! My emergency montage has gotten me into the shape of my life. At this point there is nothing, anywhere that can harm me. I am invincible to everything! Especially the weak attacks of the Kliq! Come Sunday Kyle and myself will be sitting pretty with tag title shots on the line again the Martelles, all the while the Kliq, who we’ve beaten eight thousand four hundred and three times will be sent packing to the back to lick their wounds! Now everybody, let’s party like it is 1989! (Lantz grabs a microphone just as “Twist and Shout” starts to play! Does this bode will for the Kliq? Does Lantz care? Hell no! He is busy living it up as thousands of Californians dance with him. Let the good times roll!) |
