This Week's Classic:
-= A match from the XWF has just finished, and we cut to what appears to be a commercial. However, this is no ordinary commercial. XWF's Joshua Carter is sitting in a school classroom, an empty one, of course, on top of a desk. He smiles as the camera pans in. He lifts his hand up, carrying a small pamphlet that reads 'Dangers of Cancer' on the front cover, with a nifty little design. He opens the pamphlet, and looks inside. Reacting to what he sees, he shakes his head in a form of insincere shame. =-
"Cancer. It takes more lives than I'm willing to describe. It's an infectious, harmful disease that attacks in many forms, killing and torturing many areas of the body. I suppose you could say that this disease is one to take no prisoners. Well, O'Brady, I've got somethin' for ya. You see, there's a cure for the kind of cancer I bring to the table with me every night on Impact. The cure is simply this: Do what I want you to do. And, right about now, I want you to accept my challenge for the Electrified Steel Cage Match at Rage in The Cage. I realize everyone in the XWF who's even heard my challenge is extremely skeptic about if I'm ready. They say stuff like 'Oh, he's STILL on Impact? And yet he's wanting a go in the most deadly structure we've created?' or, 'There's no way we're putting that liability in a ring with another liability like that.' But, let me tell YOU guys something. I don't care about being a liability, I'll pay my own damn medical bills. I want to put O'Brady's foot in his mouth, so that he'll finally shut the hell up. Pitting him against me in a match like that is the perfect way to do it. Either he doesn't leave, or I don't leave. One of us will finally be able to say 'I shut him up, and for good.' I can't tell you how long I've waited to be on Massacre. I remember when I was about 16 or 17, watching Enforcer, MiGrAiNe, and all of those big guys go against each other. I was watching XWF when the very first show hit. I was watching it pre-and-post-hiatus, and I still watch it. Only now, there's more reason for me to watch the guys lock horns. I can learn by watching them, and I can tell where blown spots are, and I can take that knowledge through the ropes with me every Saturday Night. I remember someone saying they hated being the GM of Impact because it ruined the 'best night of the week'. Well, Miyoko, I hate to break it to you, but you're stuck here, until Jon feels otherwise. And maybe, if you weren't so stuck up, you could realize that some of us don't want to be barred down on Saturday nights either. In fact, let's go into a shoot here, O'Brady and I talk all the time on the internet, and we're both fed up with Impact. Neither of us feel we can reach our full potential here, and we both think it's about time you either A) got some TALENT on Impact, or B) dropped Impact altogether and watch as some of us eat the competition up and others get eaten by it. I won't hesitate to say any names, Jose, Boston, and every freaking Badd on the roster, you're not the greatest guys I've ever seen wrestle, but you walk around with an attitude that says 'I'm better than Hulk', and it pisses me off. I don't even have that attitude, and I could beat you all in the ring at ONCE! The only promising guys I see on this show besides myself, and O'Brady, are Lucky, Xtreme, and Juggalo. I would've said Slash, but apparently he screwed up and got let go."
-= The fans release a hoarde of boos into the arena, and it echos throughout the building. Joshua stands up, and walks out of the classroom. The fans fall dead silent, some whispering questions. The lights in the arena dim, and spotlights rain onto the stage, as the loudspeakers pour out 'Away' by Mercy Drive. The fans explode with cheers, as they're filled with a false hope of just who it might be. Orange lights embed the arena with a hazy glow, and raining pyros fall to the stage. A silver Lamborghini peels out and accelerates from the parking garage onto the stage. The fans are screaming things like 'Third Generation', and 'Diamond Cutter', apparently recognizing the theme song. Pyros explode down the rampway, and, in doing so, a red carpet almost magically rolls down the ramp. The fans begin to get the idea they're being screwed out of a large pop, and quiet down, some converting to loud boos. The door opens, and out steps, you guessed it, Joshua Carter. The fans begin to erupt in boos, being tricked out of a 'real' superstar's appearance. Joshua just smirks and steps pridefully down the ramp, giving off an unparalleled glow as he does so. A gorgeous woman wearing a black dress appears from the back, and walks at a faster pace than Joshua down the ramp. She stops at the apron, and Joshua continues his stride. He arrives at the steel steps, and slowly exhibits himself by turning 360 degrees with his arms outstretched. He slowly climbs the steps and walks onto the apron. The woman opens the ropes for him, and he walks to her, kissing her on the cheek. He ducks under the ropes and climbs into the ring. He walks to the ropes opposite the entryway, and raises his arms in a crescent, adjacent to his shoulder. He spins around once and pulls a microphone from his coat pocket. The music slowly dies down, and the lights come back on in the arena, before Joshua begins his ran--I mean speech. =-
"What? You guys aren't happy to see me? Who were you expecting, the Easter Bunny? Jesus, maybe? OH WAIT, I know who you were expecting, but I can't say it on XWF TV. Sadly, I'm nothing like that man. But I did want to record that pop to stream onto my brand new entrance music, so now everyone will cheer no matter what. Let's get a sample of that! No, you guys don't deserve to hear it again. Anyway, I'm glad you were quiet throughout that video package. I know you love me, so it's only respectful that you ARE quiet through my speeches. But, I know that some of you love me so much, you can't stay quiet when I'm around. I got my two cents in about O'Brady, Massacre, and Impact, but now it's time to FOCUS. This Saturday, you'll see Impact's three best superstars in the same ring, at the same time. And, Impact's hottest GM will be the referee! Does it get any better than that? If so, bill me for the subscription right now, because I want in on THAT action. I see all these guys in other, big name businesses who talk so much smack, but suck in the ring. You've got your classic no-sellers, your stiffies, your sloppy workers, and the plain out crap. When I'm in this ring, it doesn't matter if you're all of the above, because, if Earth wrestled, I could carry IT in a match. I am the highlight of Saturday nights, and I am the reason millions of teenage blossoms tune in to XWF every week. It doesn't GET much better than Joshua Carter, and you HAVE to admit that."
-= The fans boo again, and an 'ASSHOLE' chant rings throughout the arena. Joshua gets a bit agitated at this, and gives a stiff 'shut up' look, before slowly removing his coat. He holds it in one hand, and the microphone in the other. While looking at the ground, he smirks, and begins laughing. The fans ring throughout the arena, without the slightest acknowledgement that Joshua is even THERE. He slings the coat into the stands, and a crowd begins to riot over it. The camera cuts away from that shot quickly. =-
"You just don't get it, do you? Never disrespect greatness. A lesson that I will not only educate, but INSTILL IN THE MINDS of Juggalo and Weapon:Xtreme this Saturday. I don't give a damn if you're from UFC, WWE, TNA, CZW, OVW, Wildside, JAPW, or any of those federations, I will step in the ring with you and DISCIPLINE your mind further than any of you ever knew possible. You'll learn that the name 'Joshua Carter' isn't to be used in vain, and the man Joshua Carter should never be looked down upon. And when I show up on Monday Night Massacre in two weeks, holding a contract in one hand, and this same microphone in the other, I'll deliver this speech again, from a past-tense point of view. I am NOT to be taken lightly. Remember Joshua Carter, because when you see me at the top, holding the XWF Universal Championship, you'll say 'Damn, I wish I'd believed in him when he debuted in Impact', and you'll probably all pick up that damned lie and say you were with me from the start. That fly-by-night bullcrap doesn't go well with me. I just came by to say all of this, and, oh yeah, I hope you all buy my latest book 'Sides of a Coin', an Autobiography by Joshua Carter! YES! CHEAP PLUG! But you know you want it. The book will be available on www.amazon.com and in Barnes & Noble stores everywhere this Monday, and I'll be plugging it even FURTHER ON Monday, when I'm at MASSACRE! WOO!"
-= Josh drops the microphone, and leaves the ring promptly. The woman from earlier takes his arm and escorts him up the ramp to his car. He kisses her on the cheek, and she opens his door for him. He climbs in the car, and she walks backstage. The lights in the arena dim, and irish tunes slowly fade onto the speakers. A green spotlight shines down on the Lamborghini, which starts up. A camera gets a shot of Joshua's face, and, if he weren't ready to peel out, he'd probably be in shock. The Irish music begins to play louder, and the screech of tires is heard. The Lamborghini shoots in reverse, and zooms through the parking lot. A crew of cameramen chase after the Lamborghini, but all we see is a shot of the car leaving the parking lot at an extremely high speed. The camera fades out in the arena. =-
