The New Arrival

'THE NEW ARRIVAL'

A Wrestlers-in-Boxes Story!

Disclaimer: I own my Big-Show-in-a-box, my mom (Jo) owns her Bradshaw-in-a-box, my sister Jenny owns Spike-in-a-box. Everyone else owns themselves. All Wrestlers-in-Boxes are provided courtesy of Jami and Tasha at Wrestlers-in-boxes.com, to whom we owe our eternal thanks. I've used stage names rather than real names, live with it. And feedback to the usual address, if y'all can be bothered!

Bradshaw sighed and opened another can of beer. It had been a long, hard day, and he'd retreated to his makeshift office for some peace. Much as he loved his adoptive family, it could get more than a little tiring being fussed over all day. If Jo would only give him five minutes to himself...

As if on cue, there was a knock on the door. 'Bradshaw? Are you in there?'

Bradshaw rolled his eyes in despair. 'No. Go away.'

'Aw, come on, honey. Come out and play.' Jo's voice had a mischeivous edge to it, and Bradshaw shuddered to think what she might mean by 'play'.

'Jo, I just need a rest,' he implored. 'I'm exhausted. Just let me sit up here and drink my beer. I'll make it up to you later.' There was a silence on the other side of the door while Jo considered it. 'Okay,' she said at last. 'But you owe me something special.'

Bradshaw waited until her footsteps had retreated, then he sighed again. Life may have been hard in the WWF - he still hadn't got used to the name change and still refered to the company by its old initials - but at least he hadn't had women trying to dress him up and do his hair all the time. Well, maybe sometimes, but black spandex was one thing, pink flowery stuff was quite another. He had a reputation to maintain, after all.

The doorhandle rattled as someone tried to come in without knocking, but Bradshaw had taken the precaution of locking the door. 'Go away!' he yelled.

'Bradshaw, why's your damn door locked?' a voice called from outside. Bradshaw got up, recognising the voice of his friend, Rakie's Big-Show-in-a-box. 'Sorry, Show, I thought you were Jo.' He unlocked the door.

'Happens all the time.' The Big Show came in, stooping under the doorframe. 'So, why're you hiding from... wow, what happened to your hair?'

'Oops.' Bradshaw had forgotten about the plaits. 'Um, Jo did it,' he said, embarrassed. 'She thought it looked cute.'

'Yeah,' grinned Show, 'it does look cute. The ribbons match your eyes.'

'Just get in here and shut up.' Irritably, Bradshaw closed and locked the door behind him. Show walked across the small room that his friend had claimed as his office, taking a seat on the couch at the far side of the room. 'I love what you've done with the place,' he said, looking round.

'I needed my own space. You want a beer?'

'No, I thought I'd come up here to enjoy your unique, sparkling personality. Of course I want a beer. Rakie's barred me from the kitchen because I ate all the butter again.'

'Serves you right.' Bradshaw bent down and retrieved the six-pack of beer he had stored under the table. He tugged a can loose and passed it to Show. 'It's a bit warm, sorry.'

Big Show popped the can open. 'You should get a cool box up here.'

'Yeah, then you could hide a spare pack of butter in it.'

Big Show gave him a dirty look. 'Whatever happened to your refrigerated filing cabinet?'

'Hell, I tried it here, but Jo got real mad at me. Apparently, it's not the done thing to fill a woman's filing cabinet with ice and beer.'

'Savages.' Show took a drink of warm beer. 'So what did Jo do this time to make you lock yourself away? Was it the plaits? Or something else I don't want to know about?'

Bradshaw shrugged vaguely. 'I'm just in a lousey mood, I guess. I love Jo, really I do, but she's such hard work sometimes. And I think she's getting too many ideas from watching my clone on Raw. She's been talking about dressing me up in a stetson and a bullwhip.'

'What's up with that? I thought everyone from Texas dressed like that.'

Bradshaw threw an empty beer can at him, but Big Show ducked and it missed. 'Only in Dallas and bad porn movies, and I don't wanna look like an extra from either of them. I'm making a stand.'

'You're making a sit,' Show corrected him. 'You've locked yourself in your bedroom -'

'Office!'

'- office, sorry, and you're sulking until you get your way.'

'I am not sulking!'

They were interrupted by another knock at the door. 'Hey, you guys?' came a nervous voice from outside. 'Can you let me in?'

Show got up to open the door to Spike, who came in hurriedly. 'Thanks,' he said. 'Jenny's been chasing me all day. She wants to put plaits in - oh no! Bradshaw, they got you too!'

'Doesn't he look cute?' grinned Show.

'I do not look cute!' Bradshaw angrily threw another beer can at Spike, who hid behind Big Show. Show caught the can in one huge hand.

'Hey, that one was full! Bradshaw, you'd better behave or Jo'll ship you back to Jami and she'll throw shoes at you all day long.'

Bradshaw sat back down. 'She can't be as bad as Jeff makes out.'

'I wouldn't know,' said Show. 'Rakie confiscated my cell phone after I tried to call for help that time. But Jami managed to get me into that little box to post me here, so she must be fairly tough.'

'Well, I've had enough of this.' Bradshaw stood up dramactially, the effect only slightly ruined by the cute little ribbons in his hair. 'I'm going to do something!'

'Um, what?' inquired Spike.

Bradshaw hesitated, then pushed on quickly. 'I'm going to escape,' he declared.

Big Show laughed at him. 'Escape where? Last time you ran away, Jo caught up with you before you'd got a hundred yards, and then she took away your beer privilages to punish you.'

'I think his mistake was stopping at the first bar he came to,' Spike suggested.

'Yeah, yeah, okay, I didn't do so well last time,' Bradshaw admitted. 'But this time, I've got a plan.'

'I don't like your plans,' complained Show. 'They never work, and they always end up with Rakie getting cross at me, and I don't even want to get into what that girl does when she gets cross with me.'

'Ewwwww, stop that. Anyway, this is my plan: We climb out of the window, then run away really quickly!'

Show and Spike both buried their heads in their hands. 'Bradshaw, that's not a plan.'

'Tis so! It'll work as well - look, everyone's busy right now, so we'll sneak out the window and be gone before they realise!'

'And then where do we go, smart guy?' Show asked.

Bradshaw thought for a minute. 'Well, we'll probably find that out when we get there.'

'You know what?' Show said to Spike. 'I think the plaits are cutting off circulation to his brain.'

Bradshaw ignored them and went to the window. 'Look, there's no-one around - oh wait, there's the mailman coming now, but apart from that -' He broke off, looking at the giant box that the mailman was struggling with. 'Oh no...'

'What? What's wrong?' Show and Spike crowded round the window, trying to see.

'It's another box! How many damn wrestlers do these girls need?'

Outside, the mailman was having quite a lot of difficulty dragging the box up the path to the front door. Every few moments the large box would shudder as if something inside was trying to get out. The mailman flinched each time it did it.

'That's not a happy box,' Show remarked. 'Maybe it's Farooq come to visit you, Bradshaw.'

The mailman gave up trying to haul the shaking box around and abandoned it in the middle of the path, before running away very quickly.

The box continued to be battered internally, but the strong Wrestlers-in-boxes brand cardboard held fast, and whoever was inside remained trapped.

'Maybe we should go tell the girls,' Spike suggested.

'No way, let's go open it!'

'Are you nuts, Bradshaw?' objected Show. 'I don't know who that is in there, but I sure as hell don't want to be the one that opens it!'

'Baby.' Bradshaw was already pushing open the window. 'Well, I'm going down there, even if you're not.'

'It's kind of a long way down...' Spike noted.

'That's okay, Shorty,' said Show. 'You'll probably bounce.'

'Hey, I tell you what, Tubbo, how bout you jump down first and we can use you as a landing mat, hmm?'

Bradshaw stepped in. 'Okay, break it up, kids.' He sat on the window sill and swung his legs out of the open window, trying to get a foothold on the guttering directly below it.

'Hey, if you fall, can I have your hat?' asked Show.

'You can have it anyway,' Bradshaw replied, edging carefully down the guttering. 'You'd make a great Texan Porn Lookalike. And you wouldn't even have to change your name...'

Big Show leaned out of the window to examine the guttering. 'Hey, I bet if I pulled this bit off here, the whole lot would come loose...'

'Don't even think about it!' Bradshaw quickly jumped the rest of the way to the ground. He hurried over to the box, which looked like it was having a fit.

'Hello? Anyone in there?'

The box shook more violently in response, but no-one answered.

'Farooq?' Bradshaw asked hopefully. 'Is that you?' The box 'grr'ed angrily at him.

'What did it say?' Show yelled down.

'It said 'grrrr'.' Bradshaw bent down to read the label on the box.

'Hmm, says here that it's for Laura... that's one of Rakie's frien-'

He got no further than that because a huge, meaty hand suddenly tore through the top of the box, locking itself round Bradshaw's throat.

'ARGH! Help - !' His voice was cut off as the hand squeezed tighter.

'Bradshaw!' Show started to climb out of the window after him. A second hand burst through the top of the box, tearing at the cardboard in an attempt to get free. Bradshaw's face was turning purple. He tried desparately to pull loose the fingers gripping his throat, but they were too strong.

The top of the cardboard box split right down the middle and a huge, angry, bull-necked head popped out. 'ARGH!' yelled Show and Spike. 'BROCK LESNER!!!'

Bradshaw managed to go 'eek!' like a little girl.

Brock forced his way out of the box, his face red and furious. 'All right, what the hell's the idea of putting me in this box?? When I find out who did it, I'm gonna - oh, hello.'

The hand round Bradshaw's throat abruptly let go, and the Texan fell backwards, gasping for breath, taken completely by surprise by The Next Big thing's change of mood.

(Editor's note - what anyone who owns a wrestler-in-a-box knows, but Bradshaw unfortunately doesn't, is the first rule of wrestlers-in-boxes: When the box is opened, the wrestler inside falls instantly in love with the first person they see... This is why you should never open someone else's box.)

'Um, hello,' said Bradshaw, not yet aware of the terrible mistake he had just made.

'Hi.' Brock gave him a shy smile. 'I'm Brock.'

'Yeah, um, I know. We were on Raw together.'

'Oh yes, how silly of me! Could you help me out of this box please?'

Brock held out his hand and, reluctantly, Bradshaw took it and help heave the huge man out of the box.

'My goodness,' said Brock. 'You are strong.'

Bradshaw went bright red. It wasn't helped by the fact that Big Show and Spike, still safely hiding upstairs in the office, were falling about laughing at him. 'Uh, ok-ay... You're here for Laura, right?'

'Oh.' Watching a 350 pound man pout at him was one of the more distressing things Bradshaw had seen. 'Can't I stay here with you?'

Bradshaw backed off very quickly. 'No! I mean - oh hell, I mean NO WAY!!' He turned and bolted for the front door. Unfortunately, it was locked. He pounded desperately against it.

'Help me! HEEEEEEEELP ME!!'

The door was suddenly opened from the inside. Rakie stood in the doorway, looking pretty confused. 'Bradshaw, what the hell -?'

Bradshaw pushed past her. 'Shut the door! Quick! There's a rampant Brock stalking me!!'

Rakie took one look out into the garden then slammed the door shut. A moment later, the whole door shuddered as Brock ran up and started banging on it. 'Coo-ee! Bradshaw? Let me in!'

'Bradshaw, what did you do?' Rakie asked the Texan suspiciously.

'Nothing, honest!'

'Then why are you hiding under the coffee table and why is there a love-struck Brock Lesner trying to break my front door down??'

Bradshaw tried to squeeze further under the small table. 'It's was Spike's fault!'

At that moment, Spike and Big Show came running down the stairs. Neither of them had completely stopped laughing yet. Rakie turned angrily to face them.

'Big Show, would you care to explain this?'

Show put on a straight face, or the nearest thing he could manage under the circumstances. 'Um, well... this big box turned up, and Bradshaw thought he'd spare you the trouble of opening it - '

'Oh great,' said a voice from under the table. 'Just blame me, why don't you?'

'Well, it is kinda your fault,' said Spike.

The pounding on the door continued, the doorframe threatening to crack under the strain. By this point, the noise had attracted Jo and Jenny.

'What the hell's going on?' Jo demanded.

'At a guess,' said Rakie, 'I'd say it was Bradshaw's fault, seeing as he's currently hiding under the coffee table. That, and the fact that Brock Lesner is yelling his name and demanding to be let in.'

'Bradshaw?' Jo bent down to look under the table. 'What did you do?'

'I, um, opened a box, and there was a Brock Lesner in it.'

'He seems to be quite attached to Bradshaw,' Show put in, helpfully.

Jo sighed. 'Bradshaw, sometime I'm going to explain to you the rules about wrestlers-in-boxes. Rakie, what should we do?'

'We could open the door,' suggested Spike, grinning.

'Do it, Spike Dudley, and I will personally kick your bony ass all the way to next week,' Bradshaw warned.

Spike shrugged. 'Just a thought.'

'Okay,' said Rakie, thinking fast. 'I think our best bet is if we can knock Brock out, then stuff him back into the box. Then we get Laura to open the box, and everything will be all right again!'

Just then, there was an almighty smash as the front door broke into splinters. 'Bradshaw!' yelled Brock. 'Come here right now, or I'll get real mad, and you wouldn't like Brocky-wocky when he's real mad!'

'Argh!' Bradshaw dived out from under the table and ran for the door.

'Big Show!' yelled Rakie. 'Get the Brock!'

Big Show grabbed at Brock as he ran off after Bradshaw, catching him by the neck of his shirt. Brock twisted in his grip, trying to get free, then kicked him in the shins.

'Ow! Hey!' Show let go of the squirming man quickly.

'You big baby,' said Rakie.

'What? He kicked me really hard...'

Brock pushed past Spike and Jenny like they weren't even there. 'Rakie!' yelled Jenny. 'Mom said do something! Something that isn't kissing your Big Show better!'

'Aw, but the nasty scary-man hurt him...'

Brock had got Bradshaw trapped in the far corner of the room. He said that he only wanted a hug, but somehow Bradshaw didn't believe him.

Jo snatched up a chair and swung it at Brock Lesner's head. It caught him right across the back of his skull, and the big man hit the ground like a 350 pound bag of bricks, unfortunately landing on Bradshaw on the way down.

'Argh!' said Bradshaw.

'Hooray!' said everyone else.

'Quick!' said Rakie. 'Get him back in the box!'

It took several minutes of pulling and pushing, shoving and re-shoving to get Brock back into the half-demolished box. Jo repaired most of the damage with sticky tape while Rakie phoned her friend Laura and told her to come round right NOW, if not sooner.

By the time Laura got there, Brock had obviously woken up inside the box and was busy trying to punch his way out again. Being hit over the head with a chair by someone's mom had obviously not done much for his temper.

'Ooh!' said Laura excitedly. 'What's that?'

'It's a pressie for you,' said Rakie. 'A big angry pressie. Please excuse us if we all hide while you open it...

Laura ripped open the box while everyone else took cover behind chairs and under tables. Bradshaw, sporting a rather nice black eye from where Brock had landed on him, was especially nervous. He hid behind the couch with Jo, peering out around the side.

'It'll be okay,' Jo assured him.

'Easy for you to say. You weren't the one getting mauled by him.'

Jo smiled sweetly at him. 'I guess it's worse than getting pestered over by me, then.'

Bradshaw thought about it for a moment. 'Yeah, I guess. I'm sorry, Jo. I'll never moan about you plaiting my hair again.' He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead.

'Although I'm going to have to draw the line at the ribbons,' he added.

'Aw, but they match your eyes...'

Laura squeaked with delight as she finally ripped the box open and her Brock-in-a-box popped out. 'Oh! Just what I've always wanted!' Brock smiled and gave her a big hug.

'There now,' said Rakie. 'Isn't that better than trying to hug Bradshaw?'

Laura gave her a confused look and Bradshaw went bright red again.

'It doesn't matter,' said Brock hurriedly. 'As of this moment, I only have eyes for you.'

Everyone went 'Awwwww....' and they lived happily ever after.

THE END!!