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Lord G Nutt
W-L-D
1-1-0
Scene 1:
The scene opens outside the house of Lord G Nutt's. He's sat in the garden with Juan as they enjoy the fresh breeze over a jug of irn-bru.. Lord G's reading the weekly UKW staff news letter and he sips on a glass of his ol' favourite..
Lord G Nutt: Utter disgraceful that is.. leaving us off Back to the future, we should of been headlining it mate, not sitting at home whilst some bald headed twat impersonate's some bersek physco like Jason Vorhee's--
Juan: Hey, at least we didn't have to fork out on 20 quid for petrol.. especially after you blew our last 40 quid on an oil painting of Mona Geezer--
Lord G Nutt: Yeah, not quite Mona Lisa but it was worth it, anyway I made those bastards from UKW pay.
Juan: Oh, Yeah?, how'd you manage that then.
Lord G Nutt: Well I didn't show up for my match at anarchy--
Juan: So this means no money and no crocodile pootang!?
Lord G Nutt: Don't sweat it, I called them and told them you had herpes--
Juan: So then what was your excuse?
Lord G Nutt: Well it's simple, I told them you needed some special attention. Look, everything will be sound as a pound, what is the worse that could happen--
Suddenly, Lord G's cellphone rings. He picks it up from the table and answers..
Lord G Nutt: Lord G Nutt speaking... OH?!... I see... well thanks for that... goodbye.
Juan: OH DEAR GOD!... WE'RE FIRED AREN'T WE... IM GONNA HAVE TO SELL MY BODY AGAIN!
Lord G Nutt: No, you daft twat, apparently there was a draft and we've been drafted to some place called WwW--
Juan: Bloody great int it, WwW is shite... I was an extra there once, ya know, a bodyguard and when the owner paid me the checked bounced more times than Jordan's tit when peter andre has a little go on them--
Lord G Nutt: It's not the same owner, apperently it's Mental Mickey & some guy who sounds a bit like a russian porn star-- What a tick, didn't WwW's champion just quit, leaving the title vacated.
Juan: Yeah, so what's your point?
Lord G Nutt: Well my guess is Mental Mickey has it hidden at his secret location somewhere in huddersfield..
Suddenly, Lord G pulls out a map from his pocket and spreads it on the table..
Lord G Nutt: I say if we're gonna be move to some second rate fed we might as well get something out of it... and we're going to steal that title..
Juan: But if we steal it, we could lose our jobs..
Lord G Nutt: On the contrary my dear dorsen, you see we'll just say we found it in Blade's gym bag, and we all know the rules finder's keeper's--
Juan: for the love of maple syrup, you're a genui--
Lord G Nutt: Maple syrup?
Juan: Yeah, I had some on my pancakes this morning, worked up a right treat I tell ya... anyway, enough... TO THE CROC-MOBILE!
Juan and Lord G jump out of their chairs and rip off their clothes to reveal super heroes costumes-- the throw on their mask's and fly off as the scene fades out.
Scene 2:
The scene opens to a remote horse ranch somewhere in huddersfeild. A car suddenly pulls out in shape of a crocodile, out steps both Lord G and Juan who have a bag on them. They look up at a sign which reads, "This is Jim's horse ranch... not Mental Mickey's".
Lord G Nutt: I think we've got the wrong place Juan, this is Jim's horse ranch. You sure you read those directions right.
Juan: I'm positive G, My informant's tell me that Mickey has a morning appointment for a horse massage, he'll be finishing any minute now so we better get in there scat.
Lord G and Juan fall to the floor and drag themselves across in order to avoid being caught. After getting half way they stop at a door which reads, "Horse Massaging Room", A voice can be heard from the room..
Voice: Ohhhh yeah, that's it Horace, you know how to keep me happy... ohhh yes!, this is better than the time I used pitta bread to make toast!
Lord G and Juan look at eachother and shake their heads in disgust before slithering across the ranch, after several minutes Lord G and Juan stop at another room which reads, "Jim's office... not Mental Mickey's.", They Jump up and Juan bites through the door in sheer anger as Lord G looks on in awe, they then enter the room..
Lord G Nutt: Was that really necessary?
Juan: No, but I was feeling peckish, so, it was either you or the door.
Lord G Nutt: Fair point, look, just hurry up and help me find this belt so we can return to grimbsy.
Juan and Lord G begin to search around the office, chucking around anything in sight. Juan rips off a picture of Horace from the wall and reveals a safe. Juan smiles as he and Lord G gather around the safe..
Juan: Right, we're gonna have to whack this baby open, you bring the tools..
Lord G Nutt: I sure did...
Lord G puts the bag onto the floor and opens it up, pulling out a load of stuff..
Lord G Nutt: We got a cheese-grater, a T.V remote, a chocolate freddo bar-- oh yeah, i'll save that for later... a dild-- how the hell did that get in here..
Juan: Did you bring anything that'd open this safe?!
Lord G Nutt: Well err... no-- oh hey, how did this explosive device get in here...
Juan slaps his head and yanks the device off of Lord G, who just chuckles in embrassment. Juan puts the device onto the safe and presses the button before throwing himself to the floor. Lord G, who is blind to what is going on, just sits there, eating his freddo bar.. the device blows the safe to pieces..
Juan: Lord G!?... Lord G?!... WHERE ARE YOU!?
Crying comes from the wall, Juan turns around to see Lord G against the wall with his costume in tatters. Lord G looks at his freddo bar and cries some more..
Lord G Nutt: I WAS LOOKIN FORWARD TO THAT!... those bastards are going to pay!
Juan: One step at a time, yeah?
Juan flicks the smoke out of the way as he walks over to the safe. He looks into it as he see's the title, just sitting there.. he picks it up and takes a good look at it before handing it to Lord G Nutt...
Lord G Nutt: Whoa!, this is greater than that time I sucked up tomato sauce from a straw, EVEN BETTER than that time me and you went to disneyland and made that old lady give us 2 pound for a cornetto... mmm cornetto, I love the strewberry ones, it's just so lovely, what do ya reckon Juan?
Juan: I reckon we should really make a mo--
Mental Mickey: What in the name of Horace is going on here... and why do I smell crocodile!?
Lord G and Juan freeze in fear as Mental Mickey enters the room... in a horse-suit.
Mental Mickey: What are you two doing... and with that belt?!
Juan: err... well ya see...
Lord G Nutt: We found it in Blades bag..
Mental Mickey: But this is my ranch..
Juan: I thought this was Jim's branch?
Mental Mickey: Well... maybe it is.. or maybe it's Horace's, But that still doesn't explain why you're here--
Lord G Nutt: well.. errr.. it doesn't matter why, what matter's is it's finder's keeper's innit.
Mentel Mickey: ahhh damn, I can't break the rules of finders keeper's.
Juan: oh look.... Horace is giving Brutality a handjob...
Mental Mickey: WHERE... WHERE!?.. I'LL RING HIS TAIL!--
Juan and Lord G Nutt escape with the WwW World Title in tow as Mickey breaks into hysterics.. he looks over to see Horace drinking some water and sighs in relief, Mickey walks over to Horace..
Mental Mickey: I knew you'd never do the dirty on me Horace..
Horace: NEIGH?
Mental Mickey: heheh. NEIGH?
Horace: NEEEEIGH?!
Mental Mickey: NEIGH NEIGH NEIGH?
Horace: NEIGH NEIGH, NEIGH NEIGH NEIGH?
Mental Mickey: Yeah, we'll stop it now... say, fancy a massage?
The camera's cuts off of Mickey and cut back to Lord G and Juan, who still have the title in their clutches. They're back in the croc-mobile trying to catch a breath..
Juan: Well we did it G, We got the title..
Lord G Nutt: Yeah, and from this day forward, I declare myself... WwW Champion!
They both have a little giggle before high-fiving eachother...
Lord G Nutt: Let's go down the slapper's arms... the bevvies are on me!
Juan and Lord G drive off as the scene fades out.
