Welcome
to the beginner’s guide to hosses. This page will attempt to put to rest once
and for all any sort of misunderstandings about hosses, as well as discuss some
well-known hosses. First, we have brief FAQ about hosses.
Q: What is a hoss?
A: The term hoss refers to a specific type
of wrestler. In order to be a hoss, a wrestler needs meet certain criterion.
They are, in no particular order:
1. Being
very tall.
2. Hosses
can be very muscular, but it isn’t a necessity. In fact, having a beer-gut or
some flab around the abs is a plus.
3. Having
a very limited set of moves.
4. Their
move set consists mainly of hitting people very hard and different slams.
5. Being
a bad-ass in general, as indicated by a quick temper and yelling a lot.
6. Being
fairly slow in the ring.
Q: Where did the term hoss come from?
A: From former football player Jeff
Hostetler.
Q: Is someone only a hoss if they meet all
of the criterion?
A: No.
A perfect hoss would have all these characteristics, but it is still
very possible to be a hoss while only meeting some of the criterion.
Q: What are the benefits of being a hoss?
A: You will be forever loved, supported on-air,
and pushed backstage by Jim Ross and WWE management.
Q: Can a woman be a hoss?
A: Absolutely not. The closest thing to a
female hoss is a “jezebel”, which is what J.R. deems any woman who is evil,
tricky, psychotic, or in any way hoss-like.
Q: What about Jazz?
A: Good question. Jazz is indeed very
manly, perhaps even more so than some of the male wrestlers. Nevertheless, she
is still only a jezebel, although she is one of J.R.’s favorite jezebels. Note
– Jazz has been released as of November 2004.
Q: Why isn’t the Big Show a hoss?
A: This is a very complicated issue.
Technically, he has enough hoss-like attributes to be a hoss. Unfortunately,
J.R. has mentioned several times in his Ross Report that he thinks Big Show
should lose some weight. Big Show has either failed to lose weight or lost
weight and then gained it back on more than one occasion. Because of this, J.R.
just doesn’t like Big Show and therefore he can never truly achieve
hossdom.
Q: Is Steve Austin a Hoss?
A: There is much speculation in the world
of hoss experts about this question. The general consensus is that he is not.
He is undoubtedly J.R.’s favorite wrestler and is definitely a bad-ass. Despite
this, he is far too good in the ring to be a hoss, is in better shape than any
hoss, and is more popular with the fans than any hoss can ever hope to be.
Q: Who is J.R.’s favorite hoss?
A: That’s a tough question to answer.
Currently, it would probably be Undertaker or Bradshaw. If you’re talking about
favorite all time, you’d have to include Dr. Death Steve Williams in the
running. Not only was he big, but he was from
Q: What is a “hoss streak”?
A: A hoss streak is something that is
commonly seen when an up and coming hoss is first brought up from the
developmental leagues. Depending on how much they want to push the hoss, he
will get the opportunity to squash numerous cruiserweights and low card
wrestlers. This serves two purposes: to display the new hosses strength and
power, and to give the guys at the bottom of the card a purpose in the company.
Some examples of guys you might see getting squished currently by hosses are
Hurricane, Scotty 2 Hotty, Val Venus, Steven Richards, Funaki, and Shannon Moore.
Breaking News: Hoss policy implemented
(November 2004)
Word is that the WWE is no longer giving
any developmental deals to anyone under 6 feet tall and 225 lbs. BY GAWD IT’S A
DREAM COME TRUE!!!!!!
And now, on to the hosses themselves.
Bradshaw- Bradshaw epitomizes what a
hoss should be. He has all the necessary characteristics to be a hoss. His
finisher, the clothesline from hell, is just like a regular clothesline, except
it is from Bradshaw and is done really hard. His last big push came to an
abrupt halt when he got injured, and his position in the card was given to
semi-hoss Bubba Ray Dudley. Bradshaw is also the subject of much debate between
hoss philosophers. Some believe that he
is a sort of “überhoss”, while others claim such a hoss is only possible in
theory. Bradshaw enjoys drinking beer, playing pranks on the new wrestlers, and
generally being an ass.
--News Update-- (June 2004)
Bradshaw has now become Justin Bradshaw
Layfield, the rich
The Undertaker- The Undertaker of recent
years is also about as hoss-like as you can get. His relatively small move set,
inclination towards attacking basically anyone who talks to him, and general
lack of muscle definition make him a highly-esteemed athlete in the eyes of
J.R. The only thing that might make him slightly less of a hoss than Bradshaw
is that fact that Bradshaw drinks much more beer. Undertaker enjoys squashing
wrestlers, not selling, slowly and methodically punching people, and rambling
on the mic while meandering about the ring as onlookers attempt to keep from
falling asleep.
--News Update-- (March 2004)
Undertaker has returned with his dead man
gimmick. He then beat Kane like he used to in the good old days. Ahhh, the
memories.
Test- Test is the next level of
hoss, below Bradshaw and Undertaker. He is much too lean and in-shape to be a
perfect hoss, but his propensity towards moves involving booting people
definitely gets him some hoss points. Test’s latest big push ended with him
being buried in a meaningless mid-card feud with Scott Steiner. Test enjoys
booting people, getting pushed many times and failing, and sucking the life out
of any crowd in unprecedented amounts of time.
--News Update-- (November 2004)
Test was recently released while rehabbing
from an injury. He was reportedly too expensive and they can get several good
young hosses for what they were paying him.
Albert/A-Train- While the ideal hoss is a
bit flabby around to waist, Albert takes it too the next level. Any way you
look at it, Albert is a fat man and therefore is not a perfect hoss just yet.
Recently, he has been given the name A-Train and is getting a sizable push.
Albert is also very hairy, but whether this affects his hossness or not is
still unknown. Albert enjoys beating up jobbers on velocity, splashing people
in the corner, and eating his favorite snack: tub-o-butter with sausage bits.
--News Update-- (November 2004)
After A-Train’s last push failed and he
was banished to Velocity for several months, he was finally released by the
WWE. I guess he could not compete with all the new hosses that were in shape.
Batista- Obviously, Batista is much
too muscular and defined to be a hoss at the level of Bradshaw or Undertaker.
Make no mistake though, he has youth on his side and is one of the most
highly-touted young hosses you can find. His 2-5 minute matches are chalked
full of clotheslines, boots, and many basic power moves. Batista enjoys yelling
while attacking people, following Triple H around, yelling during his matches,
grunting, and dressing in style.
--News Update--
Batista, who injured himself several months ago while jogging with his wife, is set to return to TV. Brace yourselves.
--News Update-- (August 2004)
In the last month or so, Batista has beaten several people by knocking them out with a running forearm. As if using this move isn’t bad enough, whenever he does it J.R. goes into super serious mode and acts as if Batista has just inflicted a career ending injury. In addition, he has had several run ins with Kane. To say J.R. gets excited would be an understatement. He calls Batista an animal and calls Kane the Big Red Machine and goes on about how vicious they are etc.
Nathan Jones- Nathan
Jones has yet to debut on WWE T.V., though many vignettes have been shown
during RAW and Smackdown. Reportedly J.R. urged the company to hire him, as
they were running low on big guys who yell and hit people. He has a lot of
potential to be a great hoss one day, and was impressive in his debut dark
match which he won with a boot to the chest of his opponent. Nathan enjoys
learning to spell his name in cursive, taking his special vitamins every day to
make him grow big and strong, and petting furry animals.
--News Update-- (March 2003)
Nathan has finally had his long-awaited
debut on Smackdown. He hasn’t done much except be Undertaker’s buddy and save
him from Big Show and A-Train. They have
an upcoming tag match at Wrestlemania 19. This match has the potential to be
one of the worst matches since the times of Big John Studd and King Kong Bundy.
Some physicists have theorized that it will be so incredibly bad and move so
incredibly slowly that a time rift or worm hole will open inside the ring,
killing anyone inside Safeco Field and the surrounding areas.
.
--News Update-- (October 2003)
After being sent back to OVW because he
couldn’t do any moves, Nathan is now back on TV, fully equipped with a boot and
a body slam. He is going to be on the upcoming survivor series on a team with
Brock Lesnar, Big Show, A-Train, and Matt Morgan. By Gawd, it’s a team of hosses!!
--News Update-- (December 2003)
Sadly, Nathan Jones has decided wrestling
is not the career for him and has retired. He returned to his native
Kane- Kane is a big man. Kane
boots. Kane chokeslams. Kane smashes things. Kane is a hoss. Kane first entered
the company as Undertaker’s evil brother, which led up to their inferno match
where Undertaker beat him. This began a trend of Undertaker always beating
him. They would periodically feud, with
Undertaker never putting him over. This lasted until the rosters split and Kane
went to RAW and Undertaker went to Smackdown. Kane had a bit of a gut at one
time. He has since lost it in a rigorous training program. Kane enjoys burning
things, earning gold stars on his spelling tests, and watching the game show
channel. Kane does not, however, enjoy being framed for murder by Triple H.
--News Update-- (August 2004)
A few months after taking off his mask and
jobbing to the Undertaker (again), Kane managed to impregnate Lita and the two
were recently wed on Raw. It was a beautiful ceremony involving midgets, fire,
and Matt Hardy going through a table.
--News Update-- (November 2004)
Tragedy struck recently when Kane was
pushed onto Lita by Gene Snitsky during their match. Sadly, Kane’s unborn son
did not survive. Kane and Gene had a titanic battle of the hosses at Taboo
Teusday, which ended with Kane being severely beaten with a chair. He will
likely not see action for several months as he leaves to shoot his feature film
debut, “Eye Scream Man”, which is currently being produced by the WWE. I smell
a blockbuster.
Bill DeMott- Bill is what you would
call a lower level hoss. He is an extremely angry and intense individual in the
ring, possibly because he is jealous of the other hosses. In what areas does he
lack hossness you ask? First of all, he’s from WCW, and that’s one big strike
against him. He’s also not actually that tall, and his finisher is a moonsault.
A moonsault is much too advanced of a move for a hoss. If he abandons it in
favor of a big splash, big boot, or another equally hoss-like move he’ll be
good to go. Bill enjoys being angry,
destroying cruiserweights, and watching himself on re-runs of Tough Enough.
--News Update--
Bill has vanished from TV quicker than the
last pancake at the buffet vanishes into Big Show’s stomach. Bill can currently
be seen announcing Velocity. Ouch.
Matt Morgan-
Matt Morgan was one of the competitors on the Tough Enough TV show, but he got
injured early on and was unable to finish the show. Fortunately, the WWE was
not about to let a hoss like this slip through their fingers. They signed him
to a contract and he recently made his TV debut at the same time Nathan Jones
returned as part of Brock Lesnar’s survivor series team. He had his in
ring-debut last week on Smackdown, in which he showcased his wrestling prowess
by putting Chris Benoit in a bear hug. Matt enjoys interfering in Nathan Jones’
matches, walking around with a menacing look on his face, and power bombing
cruiserweights like there’s no tomorrow.
--News Update-- (February 2004)
After his tag team partner and fellow hoss
Nathan Jones left the company, Matt’s usefulness plummeted. The company came to
the realization that Matt was not very good and was not improving, so he was
sent down to OVW. Don’t worry though, Matt is a hoss so he will always get
pushed every now and again, even if his skills remain well below average.
Tyson Tomko-
Tyson is another homegrown OVW hoss. A few months ago he was called up to be
Trish Stratus and Christian’s bodyguard and “problem solver”. He wasted no time
in going on a hoss streak where he beat Maven and Hurricane to name a few. For the 2004 Bad Blood pay-per-view,
Christian was supposed to fight
Heidenreich-
Heidenreich was called up from OVW to be on Raw around September 2003 as John
Heidenreich. He seemed ready to join the elite hoss ranks, and was soon sent on
a hoss steak. Mostly he could be seen on heat. During this time his gimmick was
that he would repeatedly say how no one would give him a chance and he was
going to show the world. Well he got his chance, and all that he showed was
that he could injure other wrestlers a lot in his matches. So back he went to
OVW to work on that little issue. Now he’s back on Smackdown! I think he’s
managed not no injure anyone, which is a good start. Although there is a rumor
that after a match he threw a fit at Scotty 2 Hotty for doing some moves wrong
during their match. Heidenreich enjoys injuring jobbers, looking intense, and
threatening to show the world “little Johnny” unless he is given a fair shot.
What exactly this means is up for debate.
--News Update-- (October 2004)
On a recent Smackdown, Heidenreich
kidnapped Michael Cole and read him a poem backstage. He also got into an
altercation with a “fan”. This led to him having to go to the ring in a straight jacket so there
was no danger of him hurting another fan. I admit, it’s fun to watch Smackdown
just to see what completely retarded segment Heidenreich will be involved in
next.
--News Update-- (November 2004)
Heidenreich recently made the mistake of attacking Undertaker during one of his matches and costing him the world title. He is evidently not aware of Undertaker’s long history of beating hosses. Well the trend continued and Undertaker tombstoned him at Survivor Series after a hard fought match involving lots of punching.
Luther Reigns-
Luther can be seen now on Smackdown! as Kurt Angle’s bodyguard. Why is it that
hosses are always made into bodyguards for other, more popular wrestlers?
Anyway I actually saw this guy in a dark match when he was still in OVW under
the name Horshu. Sporting a goofy looking haircut shaped like a horseshoe, he
beat Elix Skipper with a power slam. After mastering the power slam and other
traditional hoss maneuvers, he was called up and given the name Luther Reigns.
Now he is Kurt Angle’s lackey and beats people up for him. Luther enjoys being
a well-dressed hoss, displaying his very basic move set, and yelling at guys as
he is chasing them away if they were bothering Kurt.
Mark Jindrak- Mark
Jindrak came over to the WWE during the Invasion angle along with many other WCW
wrestlers. The WWE did not feel he was ready for the big time so they sent him
down to OVW for a few years. He recently returned with a reflection of
perfection gimmick reminiscent of Lex Luger and beat Shannon Moore about 58
times. I will not say nobody cared about this gimmick, but probably most of the
audience would not remember they saw him once the show was over. He soon joined
Luther Reigns as one of Kurt Angle’s helpers and was on Angle’s team at
Survivor Series. He’s currently teaming with Luther in what is sure to be one
of the most memorable hoss teams ever. I would venture to guess they will get a
shot at the tag titles sometime soon. Mark enjoys confusing audiences who do
not know who he is, giving audiences a restroom break, and electrifying Velocity
with his repertoire of rest holds.
Gene Snitsky- As
if the picture doesn’t say it all. Gene is not just any hoss, oh no. Gene is
the best kind of hoss: an angry hoss. In fact, with the possible exception of
Heidenreich, Gene may be the angriest hoss I’ve ever seen. Gene debuted on RAW
in a singles match against Kane and hit Kane in the back with a chair, causing
him to fall on his pregnant wife Lita. Tragically, their baby did not survive
and he and Kane feuded for about a month. He beat Kane at Taboo Tuesday, but
not before he went on a hoss streak where he beat Val Venus and Eugene (twice).
It’s hard to say exactly what the near future holds for Gene, but it is sure to
involve a lot of booting. Gene enjoys killing babies, punting babies into the
crowd, snarling, and having stare-downs with other hosses.
Jesus Aguilera- Jesus (that’s pronounced
hey-soos) first came into the company as a bodyguard for Carlito Caribbean Cool.
Sigh, another hoss bodyguard. It should be noted though that Jesus is quite
possibly the worst bodyguard ever. He can’t stop anyone. However, he excels at getting
in the way of Carlito’s attacker and getting pummeled, thus giving Carlito
ample time to escape. Occasionally, he will attack someone for Carlito. By
attack, I mean forearm in the back or hit with his chain he stole from John
Cena. He also wears these stupid looking overalls every show, as seen in his
picture. At least he varies the color of his identical overalls. Recently, he
was allowed to face John Cena for the
