Iím Tired of Loving This Way

 

I'm tired of watching me hurt you
I'm tired of being the teardrops on your face
I'm tired of loving this way
I'm tired of loving this way


Mark sighed, running his hand down his face and shook his head. How had it come to this? He looked at his wife of three years, hiding the pain he felt as a silent tear slid down her cheek. He knew he had hurt her, he always did. And every time, she'd cry. No words, just cry.

And it wasn't even actual crying. It was just a few tears, quiet tears, she didn't sniffle or make any noise, just cried.

How could she do that? It was like Chaise was purposely pulling at his heartstrings with her quiet tears. The hurt in her eyes, along with the calm expression on her face and those tears, it was her at conflict. Trying both to be strong and yet unable to mask all the pain. How many times had they been through this? She was the house-wife, stayed at home with children that weren't hers, and always had a smile for him when he came off the road, even though in her heart she knew he would be bringing her nothing but pain.

And he did. The road was a lonely place, especially for a man of his stature. There were a lot of temptations and for the most part, Mark resisted them all.

The one he hadn't however, was Michelle.

A few dates, few drinks, maybe a stolen kiss here and there, but he hadn't slept with her. He had done a lot of things to his wife, but that was not one of them.

And then, one video had gotten out, aired on that damn YouTube site... Then the rumors.... And all of it had gotten back to Chaise.

When he himself had gotten back to her, she had simply asked him if there was any truth to the rumors. Just asked, didn't accuse, just as if she was inquiring about the weather.

He had been honest.

I know your every weakness
I can find one in everything you say
I'm tired of loving this way
I'm tired of loving this way.


Chaise wiped away her tears, looking at him steadily. The mask Mark's face had formed was impossible to read. Did he feel guilty at all?

"I'm sorry." He said finally, offering the two most meaningless words possible.

And then she seen the quick flicker in his eyes, he knew they were meaningless. "No, you're not." She said just as quietly. "If you were sorry, you would have never done it, Mark."

Always, there was something that tipped her off, some weakness he couldn't hide.

"It was dinner and a few drinks."

"A few dinners, a few drinks, a couple kisses, and who knows what else."

"I never once cheated on you, I didn't sleep with her." Mark said stonily.

"I know." She whispered sadly.

I'm not what you really need
I'm not the one in your dreams
I can see it in your eyes
This ain't the way it should feel
I don't know how we got here
Love's no longer blind
If that's just how it is
Can we go on like this
Oh baby what do you say
I'm tired of loving this way
I'm tired of loving this way


"Daddy, daddy!"

Mark crouched down to catch his girls, pulling them both against him in tight hugs. His eyes never left Chaise's, even after the two were prattling off a mile a minute, telling him every little detail of every little thing that had happened recently.

Chaise just offered him a sad smile, heading inside the house to fix an after school snack. Once in the privacy of the kitchen, she rested her head against the cupboards, the cool wood offering no relief to the pain coursing through her. She refused to cry anymore, what good would it do? None whatsoever.

All it would do is make her more tired then she already was. Her heart was tired, tired of being broken and aching all the time.

Tired of loving this way.

I'll set your heart free
And if you're mine you'll come flying back someday
I'm tired of loving this way
I'm tired of loving this way

The girls were in bed, sleeping like the angels only sweet dreams could make them out to be. Freeing his hair from it's low hanging tail, he stepped out into the hall, pulling the door shut behind him. He glanced at his own closed bedroom door, knowing Chaise was in there. Hesitantly, he took a step towards the door, halting and shook his head. This was his house but he was honestly afraid to go in that room.

Afraid of seeing the anguish his presence would bring.

Squaring his shoulders, Mark stepped inside, bracing himself for the silence. Chaise never raged at him, never screamed, she just remained silent.

He wished she'd throw something at him.

Her silence was unnerving and said more then a million words ever could.

Chaise was packing.

Mark watched her, not meeting her eyes when she finally glanced at him, knowing this was for the best.

Well, I'm taking you with me
Like a room in my heart you'll have your place
I'm tired of loving this way
I'm tired of loving this way


This wasn't easy. Her throat was clenching up and the pain in her chest told her all too well she had a broken heart, literally. But Chaise couldn't do this anymore. She loved Mark, God she loved him... She always would, but... this was it.

"I'll tell the girls." He said softly, sinking down on the bed, staring at her almost helplessly. All the emotions he kept hidden were no longer locked away but visible. Their marriage was over, he had ruined it and she had genuinely loved him. Him, the man. Not the Undertaker, not the money or the fame, but Mark.

And he hadn't even technically cheated on her. But he might of well had. It all boiled down to the same thing.

"Thanks." Chaise murmured, picking up a suitcase in each hand, standing in front of him.

He stood up, staring down at her.

She smiled sadly when he reached out to brush away a tear.

I'm not what you really need
I'm not the one in your dreams
I can see it in your eyes
This ain't the way it should feel
I don't know how we got here
Love's no longer blind
If that's just how it is
Can we go on like this
Oh baby what do you say
I'm tired of loving this way
I'm tired of loving this way


Mark helped Chaise carry her things out to her truck, silence reigning between them. There was nothing else to say. They both loved each other, but it was all to plain to see that things just weren't working out. They were falling apart and they were just both too tired to do this anymore.

Life was all to plain, the reality blinding them both with it's stark harshness.

She turned to him, the driver side door open, preparing to go.

Mark pulled her into his arms, burying his face in her hair.

Strawberries. Chaise always smelled like strawberries, that scent would very likely haunt him till his dying day.

"Well..." Chaise cleared her throat, sounding hoarse. She met his eyes one last time, shaking her head when he moved to kiss her. "Please don't, you'll only make this harder."

At that, he stepped away from her, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

I'm tired of loving this way
I'm tired of loving this way


It was an whispered sentiment coming back to haunt him, long after her taillights had vanished from view.

Inhaling raggedly, Mark closed his eyes, turning his face towards the waning moon.

"I'm tired of loving this way..." He echoed, her last words to him, just before pulling out of the drive.

So was he.