Casting Hell



TL and Lyonene glanced at each other when they heard that bellow echoing throughout their modest apartment.

Well, the apartment was actually their base of operations. Where they wrote their stories, made their art, etc.

Currently, Lyonene was working on something involving ‘Mary Sue’s’ and a plot where every man in sight loved said Mary Sue. TL was busy with her ‘Madness Prevails’ series, giggling insanely.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show was on the television, though Tim Curry singing about being a transvestite wasn’t enough to block out the screams of rage.

Someone was coming up the stairs.

TL looked up from her perch on a low to the ground, over stuffed yet entirely comfortable couch, her laptop on her knees. “What is that?”

Ly shrugged, twirling her pen between her fingers, being the obsolete creature that she was. “I dunno. Sounded like-”

“A pissed off bull.”



“Did we just get called broads?” Ly gaped, dropping her pen.

TL nodded, standing up and glancing at the door. She frowned somewhat, now hearing loud footsteps echoing down the hallway outside the, now appearing flimsy, door.

Before they could do anything else, the door flew open. In stalked two very large, very pissed off men.

“Oh… hullo, Mark…, David.” TL said nonchalantly, stooping down to retrieve Ly’s pen. “Here you go, dropped this.”

Lyonene nodded, accepting it, her eyes narrowed.

“Now, which one of you fuckers called us broads?”

Mark pointed at David, David pointed at Mark. Both men looking grim.

“We have to talk.” Mark said firmly, folding his muscular arms over his chest.

“Bout what?” Ly asked, walking over to her desk and shutting down her computer, sliding her notebook into a drawer.

TL was in the process of saving her latest Madness Prevails, definitely not about to let Mark see it. Suddenly the infamous ‘oh my stars and garters’ popped into mind, wracking her with giggles.

No more X-Men. Ever.

David was glaring at Lyonene, a rolled script in his hand.

“Yes?” She asked sweetly, smiling up at him.

“This….” He tossed it onto her desk, watching it unfold. “This is not acceptable.”

She glanced down to find a copy of “Never My World” lying before her. “What about it?”

“You killed me! Killed me, dead, boom, gone. AFTER shooting me in the balls!”

“So?” Ly shrugged, not blinking. “It happens.”

“Three, three of those little madness whatever’s, you made me look either like a fag or an asshole!” Mark bellowed, glaring at the grinning like a Cheshire cat TL. “MAKE-UP? MAKE-UP? I DON’T wear make-up and Mickie James would never get her claws on me long enough to do it!”

“I said she did, so she did.”

“And Prozac? I don’t fucking need Prozac!” He raged, ignoring her completely.

“Actually, I think you do.”

Mark took a deep breath, knowing he wasn’t getting anywhere. “Look, all we’re saying is we want better roles. None of this horseshit where we’re lookin’ nuts, no make-up, no drugs.”

“No getting shot in the balls.”

“More along the lines of…” Mark rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Claimed…”

David nodded. “Yeah, or Precious Pain.”

“None of this Madness Prevails bullshit, Never My World, none of it. We clear ladies?”

“Crystal.” Lyonene and TakrLuvr chirped, bobbing their heads in agreement.

“No more of this suicide because we’re dicks, no more rape, no more domestic assault, no more one-shots about us being losers.”

TL made a point to gesture checking each one off.

“Gotcha, anything else we can do for you boys?” Ly asked.

David and Mark exchanged looks, shrugging.

“I guess that’s it…” David said slowly.

Mark nodded.

“Well then gentleman,” TL ushered them towards the door. “If you don’t mind we have to get back to work.” She laughed at the looks they both shot her. “Don’t worry, we’ll behave.”

Mark started to open the door only to halt, frowning and turned around. “What was that?”

“What was what?” Ly echoed, looking confused.

“I don’t know… Dave, didn’t ya hear it?”

David shook his head, then paused. “Yeah, I heard it.”

“Oh- that’s the wash going, my bad.” TL slapped her face with the palm of her hand before disappearing down the hallway.

Mark and David stood there until she came back, the thumping noise now gone.

“Everything okay?” David stared at her suspiciously.

“Just our piece of shit washer.” Ly said quickly, smiling. “Nothing to worry about.”

“Oh, right.”

After the two behemoths had gone, TL and Ly visibly wilted.

“That was a close one.” Ly muttered, a hand over her pounding heart.

“Too close.” TL agreed, shooting a dirty look down the hallway.

“Fix the problem?”

“Yeah. I’m telling you, we should have done it out at the house in the country, at least there we wouldn’t have to worry so damn much about the noise.”

“It’s easier here though, what with the commute and all.”

“I know, I know.”

Lyonene sighed, heading down the hall. She pushed open a bedroom door and frowned. “Look, if you two don’t want us to stuff you in the freezer, knock it off!”

“How are our muses holding up?”

Ly looked over her shoulder as TL peered in behind her. “Good from the looks of things.”

“This… this isn’t cool!”

“This sucks!”

“Pipe down.” TL said sweetly, reaching out to affectionately ruffle Chris’ blonde hair, snickering when he tried to move away. “We told you, if you can behave yourselves, we’d let you lose.”

Ly was sizing up Carlito, holding out an apple. “Want this?” She popped it in his mouth. “Good boy. Like we mentioned at the beginning of this little fiasco, we needed some… help, writer’s block can be a bitch.”

“Now… you boys behave some more, we got company coming for you.”

Laughing, they left the room.

As soon as they reached the living room, the front door flew open followed by Ken Anderson, or Kennedy, depending on how he was wrote, fell right through.

“Guess who’s home?” Sang a voice.

Ken blinked, looking around. “Oh no… I’m in casting hell…” He groaned.