Title: Perfection
Author: SlasheR
Rating: NC/17
Warnings: M/M, Incest, Suicide attempt
Characters: Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, {Andrew Martin(Test)mentioned}
Distribution: Ask me first...I have a couple conditions
Disclaimer: They ain't mine. This never happened.
Summary: Jeff gets drafted, and reflects on his life up to that point
Notes: I realize this is a sensitive topic...I had to wrestle with posting
this for a while...I actually wrote it before September 11th...but I think
it holds more meaning now...please don't flame me, or call me insensitive
for posting a war story...I won't give you the dignity of reading past the
first line

~*~

Drafted. I'm going off to fight...to die, probably. I can't go to war...I'm
Jeff Hardy! The fearless daredevil...fantasy object of millions of teenage
girls...master of the Swanton...I can't go!! I can't leave...I can't go by
myself...I don't want to leave my dad all alone. I can't leave Matt...

Matt...he was always there for me...when I was little, scared of the dark,
and thunderstorms, and spiders...yeah, you heard me, Jeff Hardy used to be
scared of spiders.

If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here today...and I don't mean that
figuratively. I wouldn't be a wrestler, Matt taught me everything I know. I
wouldn't even be alive...

~*~ Flashback ~*~
BANG!! BANG!! BANG!!

"Jeff!! Let me in!!"

"Just go away Matt!!" Go away, leave me alone. Just let me concentrate.

I stare at the container in front of me.

Ibuprofen.

Such a long word...so clinical sounding...masking what it really is to me:
Death in pill form

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Jeff!!"

"GO AWAY!!!" Dammit!! I can't concentrate...

With shaking hands, I reach for the bottle. Why am I shaking? I know this is
what I want to do...I don't want to live...not without him...

He dumped me. Hard. Right on my ass. He took my body...claimed my
soul...unlocked my heart...then destroyed it all...

I can't live like this...not without my love...my Drew

He was the only one who ever wanted me...now he doesn't

I'll just make everyone happy...one less unwanted person on the planet...

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Jeff, please!!" He's pleading now, I can hear the tears in his voice...

I'm sorry Matty

"Jeffy, just let me in!! Tell me what's wrong, please!!"

I can't do this, not without leaving him a note...I don't want him to think
it's his fault...I don't want to leave him with that...

*Dear Matty*

No, this isn't just for him, it's for everyone. Cross it out.

*To Whom it May Concern*

Too cold, impersonal...cross it out.

*To Those Who Don't Hate Me*

That's as good as I can do, I think.

*I can't go on like this. No one seems to love me anymore. I wish I could
learn how to hate, so I didn't have to do this. If I knew how to hate, then
I would just hate everyone who hurt me, instead of leaving you all. I'm
sorry.

Matty, please don't think this is your fault. You did your best with me. I
guess I just couldn't be saved. I'm going to see Momma now, Matty. If I can
get in to Heaven...if not, well, I know I've made mistakes. I'll see you
someday Matty. Hopefully not for a long time yet.

Good bye Daddy. Sorry I wasn't the son you wanted. Sorry I wasn't more like
Matt.

Good bye everyone. I wish I could say it's been fun.

Sincerely
Jeffery Nero Hardy

P.S. Matty, take care of Liger for me. He's gonna need someone to love...so
will you...*

There. Now I won't feel bad. And Matt won't have to feel guilty.

I open the Ibuprofen. Carefully, I count out the pills

50...will that be enough?

Better make it 70...just in case...

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Jeff!! What are you doing?? Let me in, dammit!!" He's not crying anymore.
He's mad again...mad with worry. Worry about me. I'm sorry Matty.

I pour a cup of water

BANG!!

The door flies open...the wrong way. Matt knocked it off its hinges. Just as
I was about to finish it all off...

He's standing in the door, looking angry...and scared. Scared for me...

His eyes go straight to my hands...one clutching the first ten of my 70
pills, the other holding a glass of water. His eyes go wide, and he walks
over, covering the distance in two big steps. He wraps his arms around me,
knocking the water to the floor. He holds my head against his, and I can
feel his tears.

"Oh, Jeffy, why didn't you just talk to me?"

I can't help it... I start crying.

"Matty...I...I..."

I can't even get the words out.

"Have you taken anything yet?"

"N-no...I was about to, when you..." I break down again, overcome with sobs.
Now I'm scared...was I really going to do it?? Was I really going to end it
all???

We just stand there for a while, rocking back and forth. He's so solid, I
just let myself go, and melt against him. He supports me, just like
always...I knew he would

I can always count on my Matty.

"Why?" His words are almost silent...I can barely hear him.

"No one wants me, Matty. No one..." He clutches me a little tighter
"...loves me"

"I love you, Jeff"

"I know you do, Matty, but..." He pulls away a little, looking me straight
in the eyes. His eyes are so intense, brown balls of fire burning into my
eyes...burning two holes in my skull...

"You don't understand, Jeff. The way I love you...I love you as though
you're not my brother, Jeff. I love you like a man loves a woman...or a man,
in some cases"

I'm speechless. His eyes are still burning into me...I close my eyes to stop
the intensity of his gaze, but I can still feel it...can still see his eyes
in my mind.

He loves me...the way I loved Drew...but he's my brother!! It's wrong, it's
sick, it shouldn't happen...

Before I realize what I'm doing, my head is moving forward...my lips are
brushing his...my hands are wrapping around behind him, clutching his hair,
pulling him closer, deepening the kiss.

NO! This is wrong...we shouldn't be doing this!! It's a sin...it's not
supposed to happen...it's incest...

But if it's wrong, why does it feel so right?? Why do our bodies fit so
perfectly together...why do his lips feel so wonderful against mine...why do
I feel like I'm where I belong??

I shouldn't!!! But I do...

We pull back...not because we want to, but because we need to breathe...

His eyes are still burning into me...his hands are trembling, I can feel
them against my back...

Don't shake, Matty...this is ok...this is right...

We kiss again...this time, I can feel his tongue pressing against my lips
insistently...I don't deny him, parting my lips.

I can't hold back a moan as his tongue explores my mouth, finally meeting my
tongue and dancing with it in a perfect rhythm.

His hands explore my body, running all over my back...I moan into his mouth
as he moves down to my ass, squeezing it through the fabric

We pull back again, breathless. He pulls my shirt off, and I do the same to
him. His hands roam over my chest, his eyes hungrily following their path

He finds my nipples, pinching and teasing the pert buds...I feel my knees
buckle. I won't be able to stay vertical for long...

He senses this, and backs me toward the bed. He misjudges the distance, and
we fall backwards, collapsing onto the bed. If I weren't so turned on, I'd
probably laugh...

I catch in my breath at the sight of him, sliding up my body, like water
flowing over me. Our lips meet again as he reaches down and deftly unbuttons
my fly, sliding down my zipper. His moan mingles with mine as my erection
springs free. Now I'm glad I went commando today. He urges me to arch my
hips, and I comply. He yanks my jeans off, then gets off the bed and strips
himself. Jockeys...I always thought he was a boxer man...

His tounge touches my cock, and I almost come right then and there. He
teases me for a while, kissing and nuzzlin, until I'm almost incoherent with
desire.

"Matty...please..." I manage to gasp out. He obliges, sliding his mouth
around my cock, enveloping it in warm, wet heat. My hips thrust upward of
their own accord, and he immediately grabs them, holding them down so I
don't choke him. It's not long before I come, spurting jet after jet into
his mouth. My hips jerk again, breaking out of his grip. He swallows what he
can of the seemingly endless stream, then cleans me off with his heavenly
tongue. He slides up my body again and kisses me. I can taste myself, and
the taste on his lips is sweeter than it ever was on anybody else's.

"Fuck me Matty, please..."

"With pleasure. We need lube."

I'm not completely sure of anything right now, still coming doen from my
orgasm, but I motion in the direction I think my desk is in.

"Top drawer" He gets up and walks over-quite stiffly-digging through the
drawer until he finds my bottle of Liquid Silk. He walks back over and gets
on the bed, opening the bottle and squirting a generous amount into his
palm. He warms it, and then I feel the blunt pressure of his slick fingertip
pressing against my entrance.

I concentrate every nerve of my being into relaxing, and his finger slides
in easily. He moves it around a little, searching for my spot...

"Maaatttttyyyyyyyyy!!!" I wail. He found it. "More...please...more..."

He slides his second finger in, concentrating on stretching, rather than
stimulating, me. Smart, I don't want to come again until his cock is buried
in my ass.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes, please..." He slicks his cock with the Liquid Silk, then positions
himself at my entrance. He slowly slides in, pushing past the ring of
muscle, until he's buried to the balls. He moans a little. I can tell he's
trying hard not to start pounding into me immediately, so he doesn't hurt
me. I almost wish he'd start moving...he's right up against my prostate,
sending a continuous wave of shimmering hot pleasure all through me,
wreaking havoc with my senses. Finally, he starts to move, slowly at first,
then faster and harder as his arousal grows and he starts to lose control. I
feel his hand on my cock, stroking me.

"Matt...you...first" I manage to gasp out. He understands, and stops the
movement on my cock. Withing a few thrusts, he spills into me, arching his
back and crying out my name, filling me with his essence. I can tell he's
not going to think to finish me off, so I reach down and stroke myself to a
second climax.

He collapses against me, seeking out my lips and kissing me passionately. He
pulls out of me as we're kissing. We finally break apart, and I snuggle up
against him.

"I love you, Matty"

"I love you too, Jeffro"

"I'm sorry I almost left you"

"It's ok, sweetie. You didn't, that's what's important know"

I cuddle a little closer, enjoying the feel of him against me-not in a
sexual way, more figuratively, I guess...he just feels so solid, hard muscle
obvious beneath his baby fat. He's so comfortable. I feel myself start to
slip off into sleep.

"You saved my life, Matty" He mumbles something in reply, but I'm already
half-asleep, and don't hear him. It sounded something like, "You were worth
it"

I'm worth something to someone. What a pleasant thought

~*~ End Flashback ~*~

Matt saved me. I owe him everything. Now I'm leaving him...not by choice,
but still leaving.

It's almost Christmas, and Matt and I are home, for a change. Vince didn't
want to keep us all on tour, knowing that half of us would be going off to
war shortly after New Year's. Say what you will about Vincent J. McMahon,
but never assume he's a jerk. He rides us all, but that's just to push us to
our potential. Not just for ratings, but for us.

I'm standing by the picture window in our living room, staring out at the
snow lightly falling. It looks so beautiful, so peaceful. It's hard to
believe I'll soon be halfway across the world, fearing death with my every
move.

I hear footsteps behind me, padded by the thick carpeting. It's Matt, I can
see his reflection in the window. He comes up behing me and puts his hand on
my shoulders, massaging me a little, bending down and placing light kisses
on my neck.

"It's so beautiful Matt"

"I know. I'm glad we could be home for this"

"I'd rather be on the road, considering the reason for us being home"

"I guess. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I guess. The worst part of this is I have to leave you" Matt smiles a
little, but his eyes are full of pain.

"Jeff, promise me one thing. Promise you'll come back to me?"

"I promise, Matt. I will come home. Promise you'll wait?"

"Forever, Jeff. Forever." I lean back against him, enveloped by his
solidness, his warmth. I love him so much, in so many ways...I don't want to
leave. "You gonna come back to bed?"

"I'll be right there"

"Alright." He turns to go, then turns back, leaning down to whisper in my
ear. "You owe me, baby bro. If you don't come back, there's gonna be a
serious ass-kicking at the Pearly Gates when I catch up to ya" I smile. He
walks away, going back to bed. I look back out the window, staring at the
beautiful scene. To think I may never see it again...

I turn to look at the Christmas tree. It's decorated with all the ornaments
we've had since we were kids. Matt and I never bought any new ornaments
after Momma died. We didn't want to screw up the way she always set up the
tree.

There's a small pile of presents under the tree...not much, just what Matt
and I got each other. This may be our last Christmas together...

The thought is too depressing for me, and I walk back to out bedroom.

The door is open, and Matt is laying on the bed, red silk sheet draped over
his midsection. I can tell he's naked...his hair is loose, falling all over
his shoulders in chocolate waves. The candlelight casts a soft glow to his
tanned skin...he's so beautiful...

I have to make a vow, right here...Matthew Moore Hardy, I promise I will
come back to you. No matter what happens to me, I will not die until I have
seen your face again. I promise. I owe you Matt...please God, let me do this
for him. If I have to die five minutes after I get home, I will, just as
long as you make sure I get home first.

"You seem to be thinking pretty hard."

"I got a lot to think about." He smiles, a lazy smirk, and for a moment I
can forget that this may be our last Christmas...forget that I'm going off
to kill people...forget everything but him and me, and the most perfect love
I have ever known.

Smiling back, I slip off my boxers and crawl into bed.

Perfection, right here in my little North Carolina town.

Perfection, me and Matt, together, bonded tightly.

Perfection...

...At least for now

~*~

Jeffery Nero Hardy was off at war for four long years. Matt didn't go on a
date the entire time.

When Jeff came back, he was missing an arm.

Matt didn't care, his love was back.

Jeff didn't care either.

He didn't need an arm to love his brother.

~*~

back to SlasheR