Rating: NC-17 - implied incest, murder & suicide

Spoiler: None

Disclaimer: The characters dont belong to me, they belong to themselves and their respective companies. This is purely fiction. The song 'Outside' is owned by Staind.

I smirk sadistically, that's all I can manage now. It's christmas day. Christmas day and where am I? At home. At fucking home with dad and Jeff. At home eating merrily and pretending to be happy. 'Coz I'm not really, I could never be happy without him. No-one knows about him except me and of course him. But he doesn't know how important he is to me. I lazily switch the stero on, pressing play on whatever happed to be in there, smirking when it starts to play.

And you, bring me to my knees
again all the times
i had to beg you please in vain
all the times
that i felt insecure
for you and i leave my
burdens at the door

Stupid that I leave it on really, it only tortures me more. But I don't care, it's true. If I let it come to that then it's my fault right? Well that's what I believe. I remember all the times when he got sexually excited backstage and made me suck him off. It got to the point where it was every single show that we did, and sometimes it was 2 or 3 times a show. He never cared about me, he only cared about himself.

but I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside your ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

I know he's having fun this Christmas. He's having a ball and here I am talking to dad as usual. It never changes, I'm always here on the same day, doing the same thing. It gets boring ya know? Of course you do. It happens to you every year, the same old thing. Always at the end of the day you wanna end it all, or at least hurt yourself a bit, make it better. Not that anything ever can. My long dark t-shirt covers all the times I've tried to make to better, it never works though. But just for those few seconds, it feels good. And thats what you do it for, those few seconds of release.

All the times that I felt
like this won't end
was for you
and I taste what I could
never have
it's from you
all the times I've tried,
my intentions
full of pride
but I waste more time
than anyone

I've done this same fuckin' thing for three years you know. Pathetic isn't it? Every year I end up here to keep the old man company, but this year it's going to be different. This year there's going to be a change. I've decided not to suffer like this anymore you know. Ain't you proud of me now?

but I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside your ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

I know him better than anyone else you know. I say 'you know' like you actually know me, which you don't. You don't even know the half of me. You don't know what I'm talking about.

I excuse myself and go upstairs for them few seconds of release. I reach the bathroom and lock it, don't want anyone coming in now do we? I reach for my razor, dad wonders why I have an old fashioned one. Only I know why. How are you meant to cut yourself with these shit new one's? 'Designed for safety?' I don't think so, you can't get deep enough. Slowly I slice into my arm, hissing in pain, but enjoying the release. Watching the flow of blood down my arm, fascinated.

All the times that
I've cried
all this wasted
its all inside
and i feel all this pain
stuffed it down
its back again and
i lie here in bed
all alone, i can't mend
but i feel
tomorrow will be okay

I smirk again as a thought occurs to me. Why should I take this shit anymore? I am better than this. I am better than him. I unlock the door and make my way to where he is, not caring about the blood dripping down my arm. Who cares about it? With my razor grasped in my right hand I enter his room where he is playing on his playstation. Now how fuckin' childish is that? He doesn't even look up at me, nor says a word. I kneel down behind him and carefully slice a cut down his arm. He shreaks like a baby, doesn't he know that this is release? I am going to set him free from his demons. From what makes him how he is. He tries to jump up, but I am too quick. I grab a handful of his hair and yank his head back, pressing the razor to his throat. The fear in his eyes is evident, I smile, gently soothing him and I slice his neck open, blood flowing everywhere, he gasps for breath but cannot get any. I whisper, "Merry Christmas Jeffy."

Pain flashes in his eyes, I kiss his mouth deeply, wanting this moment of power over him. I release his lifeless lips and move out of the way, blood coating me. But it doesn't matter now, slowly raising the blade to my wrists I slice through them. That moment of release has just become forever.

but I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside your ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you