Jay threw his head back and screamed.

"It hurts, doesn't it?"  Jeff moved to stand in front
of him, caressing his bruised cheek. 

"What do you think?" he growled, gathering all his
strength to raise his head and look him in the eye.
He still wanted to believe some scrap of kindness
could be found there, hidden in the depths.  Again he
found only vacant frost.

"I'm not talking about the physical pain."  He traced
the scars on Jay's chest, some healing to white
ridges, others still fresh and red.  "I'm talking
about what really tears you apart inside.  What really
kills you."

He shook his head.  "You're a fucking lunatic."

Jeff seemed to consider this for a moment.  "I could
be.  One of us certainly isn't seeing things the way
they are, and I suppose there's a good chance it's me.
 As good a chance as it being you.  I've certainly
never claimed to understand this world.  But you know
what I mean."

"Jeff, please.  You can stop this.  We were friends,
before."

"Yes!" he shouted, throwing his arms wide and smiling
broadly.  "We have a winner."

"What?" he said, mystified.

"Betrayal." The dimness around them obscured his sharp
features and darkened his eyes to a glowing black.  
"That's what really hurts, isn't it?  That's what
makes the things I do to you feel almost good."

Jay closed his eyes and tried to block out his voice.
"I can't hear you."

"Oh, you can hear me.  You can hear me all too well."
He grabbed Jay's jaw, forcing him to look at him.
"Open your eyes, Jay.  All this time, you thought I
was your friend.  You put your faith in me.  Gave me
your trust.  And I tore it apart and threw it back in
your face, didn't I?"

"Fuck you, Jeff," he spat, no longer capable of caring
what he could do to him.  He assumed there was very
little left that would shock or horrify him anymore.
If Jeff wanted to reward his insolence with one more
violation, one more beating, what difference did it
make?  "Yeah, I trusted you, and you fucked me over.
Proud of yourself now?"

"See?  You know exactly what I'm talking about."  The
satisfaction  in his voice made Jay sick.  "You have
no idea how long I've been trying to find someone who
understands.  How long I've been trying to make
someone understand."

"Well congratulations."  Jay stared at him in
amazement.  Was he that out of it that he really
thought he'd just struck up some kind of kinship with
him? 

"You know, the sad thing is, I was really starting to
like you.  I mean, you're a little vanilla for my
tastes.  A little." He stared at the ceiling in
concentration.  "A little too open hearted for your
own good.  I mean, honestly Jay, look where all that
trusting got you."  Jeff stepped away from him,
perching on the arm of a chair.  "But I look at you,
and all I see is the past.  You're like some God
damned record of everything I've lost."

"What the fuck are you talking about?  I've never done
anything to you Jeff.  I was never anything except
your friend."  Jeff's voice was making his head hurt,
the slow sweetness of it bruising his mind as it
penetrated his thoughts, refusing to be ignored.

"You have to know about us, don't you?  He wouldn't
try to keep it from you, not when so many people
know."

Realization flooded over him in a nauseating wave.
"Chris...I didn't take him away from you.  You lost
him all by yourself."

Jeff lunged at him, the growl in his throat sending
shivers down Jay's spine.  "You're everything he's
not, you simple little fuck.  You're everything he's
convinced himself is right.  Everything he thinks he's
supposed to be."

"And everything you're not. That's what this is about,
isn't it?  You're still in love with him."

"I wouldn't call it love," he said.  "I never would've
called it that."

"Call it whatever you want, then.  I was just the
means to an end, wasn't I?  I was something to hold
over his head and force him back to you."

"I told you that you understood, didn't I?  He watched
Jay's face closely, holding his eyes in a deep gaze.
"You know you're exactly what he likes?  I could never
find him the perfect one, the one that he really
wanted to take apart.  And now, here you are."

"This isn't going to bring him back to you Jeff."  He
tensed as Jeff reached for something on the table
behind him, realizing it was the little knife he had
used on him so many times in the past days. 

"You know, you're probably right.  I think he might be
beyond help now.  He's in love with you, isn't he?"
Jay nodded, clinging to the only truth that hadn't
deserted him.  "That was always his weakness.  He
always let himself get attached.  He could never just
take what he wanted and move on.  Chris has enough
guilt for the entire world."

"Chris has a conscience," he said softly, the sound of
his lover's name tearing at his heart. 

"And what has that ever gotten him, besides pain and
self-denial?  What has his precious conscience ever
done for him?"  Even as his words grew angry, his
voice was still flat, devoid of emotion.  "I gave him
everything he ever wanted.  And he turned it down for
the sake of his stupid, hypocritical morality."

"Maybe you were a little too open hearted for your own
good, too."

He laughed, toying with the knife in his hands.  "I
was, wasn't I?"  He ran his finger over the blade,
watching without response when it pierced the tip and
drew blood.  "I know how it feels, Jay.  I know what
it's like to lay awake at night and realize you've
been a fool for someone.  It's like-"  He brought his
finger to his mouth and sucked away the blood.  "It's
like fucking shrapnel in your veins."

"But that didn't stop you from doing it to me, did
it?"

He considered it for a moment.  "Well, no.  Should it
have?"

Jay stared at him in amazement.  "You really don't
understand a thing about being human, do you?"

"Not really.  You sound like Matt," he said, an
affectionate smile crossing his face.  "I understand
myself, Jay.  I know what I want.  That's more than
most people can say.  So forgive me if I'm less than
regretful about not understanding the rest of you."
He slipped the knife into his pocket and Jay released
a sigh of relief.  "Oh, don't worry.  I'm done with
you for now."

"When Chris finds you, he's going to put you in the
ground," he called at Jeff's retreating back.

He glanced back , smiling slightly.  "I sort of
expected he'd try.  That's the side of him I remember
best."


* * *




"I fail to see the point of this."  Matt stared at the
little black box.

"Shut up, Matt."  Jeff sat in the window seat in their
hotel room, staring down at  the city lights.  He
pressed his forehead against the glass, his skin
illuminated an eerie blue in the half-light.  "Just
leave it where he can find it.  Make sure he gets it."

"I got a call from Shane today.  He's not very happy
with you."  Matt settled in next to him and Jeff
rested his head on his older brother's shoulder.  "He
thinks you've gone too far this time."

"They all think that, sooner or later."  They sat in
silence, their breathing the only sounds in the room.


"You know we're leaving New York day after tomorrow."
Matt stroked his hair back idly.  "You can't keep him
forever, Jeff.  You're going to have to do something
with him."

"I know."  He pulled back from his brother's touch.
"I'll take care of it tomorrow.  Right now I just
don't want to think, all right?"

"OK."  He untangled himself from him and stuffed the
little box in his pocket.  "I'll make sure he gets
this.  And I'll take care of Shane."

"Thank you."  He never broke his gaze at the city. 

Matt looked back as if he wanted to say more, but
didn't.  There was nothing he could say.  It would
take more than words to make his brother act like
himself again.

It would take bringing a ghost back from the past.  A
ghost that Matt wasn't particularly eager to see
again.



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