So God says to Adam and Eve, "Merry Christmas. You each get one
present, but you get to pick which one you want." He reaches into his
magic bag and pulls out the ability to pee standing upright. Adam
freaks out and he's like "Ooh ooh I want that one! Thats soooo cool!"
Eve rolls her eyes and lets him have it. Then God pulls out multiple
orgasms.
Q: How come Helen Keller can't have kids??
A: Because she's DEAD!
Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
A: They left the plunger in.
Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A: she needs the other to moan with.
Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
A: You would too if your name was 'Urghrrghrghr.'
Q: What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.
Q: What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: The same baby three weeks later.
Q: What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool?
A: Floaties with a slashed baby.
Q: What's red and sits in a highchair?
A: A baby eating razor-blades.
Q: What's red and white and bubbles all over?
A: A baby in the microwave.
Q: What is charred black and smells really bad?
A: A baby in the fireplace.
Q: What is red and swings back and forth?
A: Dead baby on a meathook.
Q: What do elephants use for ben-wa balls?
A: Dead babies.
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken.
Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A Doberman at the playground!
Q: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?
A: Ripping it back off.
Q: What's pink and with a flick of a switch turns red?
A: A baby in a blender
Q: How do you get 10 dead babies into a tupperware bowl?
A: Use a blender
Q: How do you get them back out?
A: Doritos
Q: What is worse than a dead baby in a garbage can?
A: Ten dead babies in a garbage can.
Q: What is worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can?
A: One dead baby in a ten garbage cans.
Q: What's worse than a dead baby in a bucket?
A: A bucket in a dead baby.
Q: What is easier to unload, a truck full of Dead Babies or a truck full of bricks?
A: You don't need a pitchfork for the bricks.
Q: Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork?
A: So you can tell which ones are still alive.
Q: What is worse than pitchforking a live one?
A: At the bottom of the pile, there was one trying to eat its way out.
Q: What is worse than that?
A: It made it.
Q: What is worse than that?
A: It went back for seconds!
Q. Whats more fun that spinning a baby on meathook?
A. Stopping it with a shovel.
Q: How is a baby like a grape?
A: They both give a little wine when you squish them.
Q: What's small, red and can't get into elevators?
A: A baby with a javelin in its head.
Q: What's black and furry and tries to scream?
A: A baby covered in spiders.
Q: What's red and sits in the front of mirror getting smaller and smaller?
A: A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.
Q: Whats red and white and screams?
A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.
Q: What is small and red and crawls up women's skirts?
A: A homesick abortion!
Q: What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A: A baby with forks in its eyes.
Q: How do you stop a baby from looking up at you with that cute little baby face and gurgling
happily with that little baby mouth and waving at you with those little baby fingers and little
baby toes?
A: Gouge its eyes out.
Q: What is a sure way to stop a baby from crying?
A: With an axe.
Q: What's the difference between a baby and a bagel?
A: You can put a bagel in the toaster. You have to put the baby in the oven.
Q: How do you spoil a baby?
A: Leave it out in the sun.
Q. What was the baby doing on the wall?
A. Playing darts. It was the board.
Q: What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
A: Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.
Q: What's the difference between a bucket of gravel and a bucket of placenta?
A: You can't gargle gravel.
Q: What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A: One walks on the moon, and one fucks little boys.
