LEO
July 22 - Aug. 22
Birthday Babe
Look for a strong, dominating presence to make an appearance. Of course you won't be the dominati ing one, but save up some cash for an extra pair of handcuffs and make sure you carry around cond oms because a lot of people don't. At work or school, there's something you want. Go for it. The boss shares your nasty monkey fetish, you fucking pervert. Constipation lies ahead but all woes c an be overcome with prunes. Just because you're acting tough doesn't mean you are inside... Find just one person to show your simpering wimp side to, but make sure it's a friend you don't mind l osing. Your scale isn't broken, you really did gain five pounds.

VIRGO Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Someone close to you needs someone to share their problems with -- but don't fall into the trap o you'll end up as fucked up in the head as they are. This fall is a time for new beginnings, so fe el free to ignore any 'friends' who are annoying you. Is there something new you've been wanting to do -- kickboxing, reckless vandalism, murder? Go for it, luck is in the stars.

LIBRA Sept. 23 - Oct. 22
Your organizational skills are rapidly losing touch with reality -- your sticky note system would confuse advanced silicon intelligences. Get a fucking grip.

SCOPRIO Oct. 23 - Nov. 21
A large insectoid thingy is going to poison you in your sleep... You will die painfully, thinking it's one of those dreams you wake up from when you die, but you're going to die anyway, and then you'll be dead. No one will come to your funeral. The priest who was supposed to yoogoogalize wi ll call in sick.

SAGITTARIUS Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
You're a fat bitch and no one likes you. The shit-hole you call home repulses even cockroaches, w hich is why you don't have an infestation (you were wondering about that, weren't you?) Unfortuna tely, you will never change. A mysterious green rash will eventually cover your entire body and y ou will die. Coroners will identify the cause of death as bread mold.

CAPRICORN Dec. 22 - Jan 19
God you're stupid. And did you fall down the ugly tree and hit every branch going down or what? Y ou know what? You're gonna die. Someone's going to beat you to death in a parking lot, 10 feet fr om a cop car. But don't think the cop is going to help you, he's the one brutalizing you. Anyway he'll 'find' the murder weapon, it's a baseball bat with UGLY STICK carved onto it. Haha you're g onna get beat to death with the ugly stick!

AQUARIUS Jan 20 - Feb 18
A lot of men will find you obscenely attractive (despite your gender) and won't be able to hide i t, especially in public places where you're with people you don't want to be humiliated in front of. Watch lots of porn so you get used to the sight of a big fat cock flopping all over the place in public. Your passionate heart will get lots of exercise as the one you love the most commits suicide. Think of them as a role model cuz you might want to consider suicide with what's going t o happen to you soon.

PISCES Feb. 19 - Mar. 20
You are the pinnacle of evolution. Men worship you, and women hate you. You will meet Tom Cruise, you will have sex with him (good sex). On the downside, the Swiss Mafia will corner you and remo ove vital organs while you're not under anesthesdsfjklsfljkia whatever. If you don't die from the whole rusty-hanger aspect of the operation, you'll go blind just cuz you're stupid.

ARIES Mar. 21 - Apr. 19
You suck. I'm getting tired of writing these. How do magazine people do it? From now on I'm only giving out spirit animals. Pray to your spirit animal and good things will happen, either that or the animal spirit will only get excited and shit all over your bedroom. Aries's spirit animal is those really small ugly squid that whales eat.

TAURUS Apr. 20 - May 20
Cow.

GEMINI May 21 - June 20
Rabbit turds (are not technically an animal, I know, but isn't there something magical about the way they resemble some odd kind of chocolate candy?).

CANCER Jun. 21 - Jul. 23
Well blast, looks like it's kinda obvious what's going to happen to you.