The sound of a live studio audience laughing can be heard as The Late Show comes on the air as Jay Leno runs out onto the stage. His bulbous chin arrives five minutes before he actually reaches center stage, and the various fans in the first five rows have to duck everytime he looks around.
Well... its been a big week in Worldwide Online Wrestling this week, and before I go to headlines and introduce my first guest, I thought we'd take a look at a man who's been causing a lot of laughs lately, Triple X. Go to a clip.
Jay steps aside as the film begins.
Triple X Millions of people watched you botch your finisher, and millions of people saw me pin you...(but they also saw you pinning me at the same time, some how). We were both announced as number one contendors.
Yeah, you climbed that latter, you grabbed the title, and you became the Undisputed champion. Do you think you can pull that off again? Do you actualy think you're going to pin me? Or anyone else for that matter. You couldn't do it right the first time, what makes you think this time will be any diffrent. I can say I know it'll be diffrent, because as far as you're concerned.. you won't make it past the opening bell
Ya know, this is what I don't get here. All week long Ichabod has been proving to X that he's better and that X can never seem to get the job done in the ring against him. X goes on to further prove this point here. Ichabod had Triple X out long enough to get off his finisher, which means he basically had the match won. Even Triple X admits that if Ichabod hadn't botched his finisher, he wouldn't have got the pin on Ichabod. So here you have X, basically explaining that he really can't get the job done without Ichabod's help. It begs the question, how far would he have gotten at Ring Wars without Ichabod on his team? We all know that's the real reason he picked him for his team.
Jay and the audience laugh hysterically at Triple X. Jay glances up at the "Applause" sign. To his surprise, it isn't even on.
Who the does this guy think he is? I mean he admits that he can't get the job done without Ichabod helping him in some way, he takes two viscious beatings from Ichabod, and he still has the guts to come on national television and tell Ichabod he's not going to take it past the opening bell. I mean whether or not Ichabod did it the "right" way, he must have done something right, because he is the Undisputed Champion. I think Triple X would rather put a couple of extensions on that leather and slip it around Morty's waist than see it on Ichabod.
But there's not much he can do to change that. Ichabod is at the top of his game right now, he's basically running all over WOW, and Triple X, Cheap, and Dick just don't have what it takes to get that gold away from him. They can say a lot of words, make up a lot of stories, even act like they are getting really really mad. Why, Triple X was starting to look like Ben Stiller in Mystery Men the other night.
The audience is rolling in the aisles as Jay rips into Triple X again. By tomorrow morning, Jay realizes, X will be the laughing stock of the whole nation, and he'll still be rich and famous and doing his night show. Its great to be a comedian.
Ichabod himself must have been {bleep} laughing at this last {bleep} clip we have for you. Lets take a {bleep} look.
The audience looks shocked as Jay continues to stroke his chin. He suddenly realizes the clip isn't playing and looks out across the audience as if surprised.
Jay squints his eyes and finally shrugs. He grabs the chin and pulls upward, removing the prosthetic mask he's wearing. Its Ichabod!
Ichabod pulls a pistol out and grabs the nearest crewman, putting the gun to his throat.
Nobody move, you're all staying here until I say my peace. Lock the doors.
Deidre comes out of the audience with a bookbag. She opens it and pulls out several chains and padlocks. Deidre walks around to all of the doors and secures them shut, pocketing the keys. She joins Ichabod on the stage as he takes his place behind the desk, dragging the hostage with him. Deidre herself sits in one of the guest chairs. Ichabod motions to a cameraman.
Keep that {bleep} thing rolling. And somebody turn off that {beep} censor.
Ichabod waits a few minutes and then finally:
Bitch!
Good, good, hell yeah. Alright. Whoever does the clips, put on that last clip we showed, and the final clip I brought too.
The scene cuts to the clip finally, showing Triple X talking in his X-Room. Ichabod is sure he hears Happy Days playing in the background and wonders what X's parents think about him cutting promo's upstairs with that massive camera crew.
Triple X Yeah, you climbed that latter, you grabbed the title, and you became the Undisputed champion. Do you think you can pull that off again? Do you actualy think you're going to pin me? Or anyone else for that matter. You couldn't do it right the first time, what makes you think this time will be any diffrent. I can say I know it'll be diffrent, because as far as you're concerned.. you won't make it past the opening bell.
You think it'll be cute to piss off the Cornerstone, and smack him in the face. Smoke Dawg thought that's what he was going to do too. All he ever wanted was to beat me. He strived to prove that he could hold up against the One True Icon. Where is he now? Playing video games with B-Pac. Oh, but you're diffrent than Smoke Dawg, is that what you're about to say? Hold your breath, chump, cause is all realness, you don't hold a candle to him.. as sad as that sounds, you were never as good as him. You're nothing compared to B-Pac. You're speck of Dirt compared to Richard Gazinya.. and to the Elite, Triple X and Sweet Cheapshots.. there's not a word to describe it.
Do I think I can pull it off again? X, you know I can. Your constant denial of my wrestling prowess over you is frankly getting a little old. I know I'm better than you, the audience knows I'm better than you, Dick and Cheapy knows I'm better than you, and you know I'm better than you. Yet you still come on TV everyday and complain about the way I get my wins. Its none of your damn business how I get my wins. If you can't deal with the fact that I'm willing to win by any means necessary, and that it works, then maybe you should stay as far away from a match featuring Ichabod as possible. You think that just because you whine and bitch and moan about the way I play, that I'm just going to stop doing it my way? Come on X, if you know me as much as you act like you do, then you should know I don't give a bulls crushed testicle about how you think I should wrestle. Fuck your wrestling style. So far its shyte, and so far it doesn't work. At least not against me. Why the hell am I going to conform to your way of wrestling if it's not even as effective as mine? Give me a break.
X, you are so pathetic its sad. You run around with that fat ass Morty like some Jay and Silent Bob look alikes. Funny thing is, thats about the best comparison I can think of for you two. I mean Kevin Smith, Silent Bob to all of you non-Askew fans, writes those parts to make himself and Jason Mewes look like total idiots. So far this week, you've accomplished about the same thing. I mean, look at you two, you're running around in prison cracking jokes on each other, and its not even real. What the hell are you trying to accomplish? So far you haven't impressed me... but hey, you've impressed Dick! It seems like he wants the two of you to get all chummy together. Or maybe he just needs your help to take me out. Geez, can't the two of you do anything alone?
By the way man, don't ever call me cute again, that shit's just nasty. Yeah, I want you to be pissed off. Pissed off men make mistakes, and they're more fun to wrestle. I feel like the bully with my hand on your head while you swing madly at the air between us trying to hit me. Yes, X. I want you pissed. Tell me what it takes to piss you off, and by God I'll do it... twice. Please, I'm begging you to get pissed. I wanna really see what you've got. So far, it seems like you've just been playing. I wanna see if getting you pissed will get the job done right (although I doubt it) because so far, you haven't really amounted to much.
And as far as comparing me to other wrestlers, man what were you smoking when you thought up that little diatribe? I've beaten B-Pac, I've beaten you, I've beaten Cheapshots. Smokey beat me because B-Pac was pms'ing over the loss to me and decided it would be funny to smack me over the head with a bat.
Funny thing by the way, after B-Pac did that, I went on to take you out at King Karnage. Geez, even B-Pac can't get the job done right.
So all these men are my betters because I've beaten them or because they can't get the job done right against me? I like your logic X. This means that all these men that I can't beat, I must also be better than them huh?
And there is a difference between me and Smokey. You see, it has never been my goal to beat you. If it was, I've accomplished it twice already.
Trips, I would tell you that you have a big wake up call coming Monday when I mop the floor with your blonde head, but that wouldn't make much sense. I've already done it twice, and yet you still say you're better than me. I don't think you'll ever be able to face the truth because, well, not to sound cliche'ed, but, you can't handle the truth. It burns your ass that someone is better than you. You can't respect them because your maturity level doesnt even register, no, all you can do is hate them and crack jokes to try and denounce them.
Whatever, respect me or not, I'm just going to beat you again on Monday and stop trying to convince you that you suck compared to me. From now on I'll just beat you and move on, because you are a lost cause.
Ichabod and Deidre stand up and begin to move out of the studio as the crowd shifts nervously. Deidre unlocks one of the doors and Ichabod drops the pistol on the floor. They exit and everyone takes a moment to move again. A security guard moves over toward the gun and examines it- and notices that it was just a water pistol. He sighs with relief.
Outside, Ichabod and Deidre climb up into the truck as Ichabod turns to her and says:
Ya know, Cheap, X, and Dick have all mentioned their views on why James put them into another match with me. Ya know what the real reason is, right?
If it was me, I'd do it just for entertainment. The fans are loving it, this has been a week full of laughs for them. Hell, I'll bet everyone in the back is laughing at them too.
Ichabod fires up the truck as they begin to leave.
Did you get my birthday present yet?
Yeah.
Can I have it yet?
Not yet Ichy. It's still two weeks until your birthday.
Come on Deej.
Well, I'll tell ya what. It will be at the arena Monday night.
Sweet.
The Monster truck flies down the road at top speed.
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