Chase Cassidy: Kevin Nash needs to stop bullying Cyrus!
Cameron Cade: I think Cyrus deserves every bit he gets. What if Nash wouldn't have bullied him? You think he'd have his match at Sweet Revenge? Cyrus would have made some excuse as to why the match couldn't take place. It was easier the way Nash did it.
Chase Cassidy: Cyrus would never make something up. That's not the kind of person he is! He's a great commissioner! You're just jealous.
Cameron Cade: Yes, very. I'm also jealous of Martha Stewart.
Chase Cassidy: Really? Hmm...why am I not surprised...
Cameron Cade: Let me tell you something, you have to be the worst person to have a conversation with. You do not pick up on anything, the Martha Stewart thing...yeah, that was sarcasm bucko.
Chase Cassidy: Don't call me bucko, bucko.
Cameron Cade: Folks...do you see what I work with? I should get some sort of reward for working in hazardous conditions.
Chase Cassidy: I could probably get you a hard hat if you'd feel better.
Cameron Cade: Oh yeah, that would be such a relief! Thank you, you wonderful man you!
Chase Cassidy: No problem, anytime. I'm just glad I can help your problems.
Cameron Cade: You remind me a lot of Cyrus...you both are huge–
Cyrus: EXCUSE ME! EXCUUUUUUSE MEEE!
Cyrus: You buddy, you owe me five hundred dollars! You just ruined my brand new suit! You people have no respect for authority, and obviously no respect for those who are higher in stature than yourselves...though that's not hard to come by. But that's not why I came out here...first off, I want to discuss the announcing portion of our show. As you all know, Chase Cassidy is the best in the business. But then we have this guy who sits next to him who I can't even bring myself to call an "announcer". Sorry Cameron...you're not cutting the mustard. You can't always live your life in Chase's shadow. You should try to be more like him, he should be your role model. I know he'd be mine if I were in that department.
Cyrus: You know, Chase is right...you people here have really REALLY BAD TASTE! I can hardly believe it. I bet if I got a guy out here in a dumbo costume you'd be entertained by that. Maybe entertained is too big of a word for you imbeciles to understand. Oh well, you'll have to deal with it. People of my intellect are the only ones who deserve to understand the words that come out of my mouth. No fat boy, you are not of my intellect, and neither are you, you tramp with the Bozo makeup!
Chase Cassidy: Hahaha! Cyrus is hilarious!
Cameron Cade: Oh yeah, he should do standup...
Chase Cassidy: But what if his legs got tired!? Then he'd have to SITDOWN! AHAHA!
Cameron Cade: UGH...
Chase Cassidy: Get it!? Ahaha! Get it!? Standup...sitdown...ahaha! That's great!
Cyrus: Well believe it or not, I didn't come out here to tell you people the truth about yourselves. I came out here to make some matches...you know, spice it up a little. I've taken it upon myself to set up a few matches for tonight. Next up we'll have Kurt Angle take on Matt Hardy and little later we'll have Jeff Hardy taking on Mr. Ass for the Intercontinental Title! And since I accidentally got my good Canadian friends Edge and Christian into a match at the pay per view, I decided to give them a little warmup match. It'll be a four way battle royal later tonight with Saturn, Taz, Edge, and Christian. Last man in the ring wins, it's as simple as that! I have a bit of bad news though...I hate to inform you morons here that HHH will not face...whoever it is that keeps sending him those notes...tonight. Sorry, we don't even know who it is, how can I put him or her in a match tonight!? But I will give HHH the benefit of the doubt. If the so called "culprit" reveals him or herself by the time of the main event at Sweet Revenge, you can have your match. If not, oh well, sucks to be you!
Cyrus: Now, speaking of Sweet Revenge, I've made a few matches. Considering I'm WITH THE OFFICE...I have the brass...and all that great stuff, I can pretty much make whatever matches I want. One of the matches I've decided to make, and this was my idea completely, is to have Kevin Nash face the Undertaker!
Cameron Cade: That wasn't his idea! Cyrus is a liar! Nash forced him into making that match!
Chase Cassidy: Nash!? Nash has nothing to do with Cyrus' creative control. He made the match, that's that. Nash had nothing to do with it whatsoever!
Cyrus: Seeing as how both these men are quite frankly...huge, I've decided to make it a number one contenders match! Whoever wins, is the number one contender to the OCW World Title!! Onto the REAL ratings getters...Lita and Tori!
Cyrus: I've decided to put Lita and Tori in a match at the pay per view. I really want to get that Women's title off that man-beast...
Cyrus: So it's Lita and Tori vs Chyna in a handicap match!!
Cameron Cade: What!? That's not fair at all! Chyna will have no chance!
Chase Cassidy: What isn't fair!? I see nothing wrong with that. Chyna is a man-beast you know.
Cyrus: Now here are the rules for that match, and they are really very simple. You people here might not catch on a first, but at least try to stick with me. I'll try to speak slower for you...(going really slow) If Chyna gets the pinfall, she keeps the title. If Lita gets the pinfall, she gets the title. If Tori gets the pinfall, SHE gets the title. Did you all get that?? Well too bad! I'm NOT repeating myself! Haha!
Cameron Cade: These fans are really getting on Cyrus tonight!
Cyrus: Hmm...what other matches did I have to make? Well of course you know Al Snow will face a mystery opponent in a Deathmatch Title deathmatch... Taz and Saturn will face Edge and Christian in a Tag Team Title match...Kurt Angle will face Mr. "Butt" in an Intercontinental Title matchup, and you know what, I'm going to throw in Matt Hardy vs Jeff Hardy!! Matt needs to get what's coming to him!
Cyrus: You people here have a real problem with respect!
Cyrus: What!? I DO NOT! I DO NOT! You people need to show respect for me! I'm with the office! I'M WITH THE OFFICE DAMMIT! I HAVE THE BRASS! Don't make me come over there you greasy SLOB! You don't want any of this! I can get you kicked out! I'm with the office you know!!
Cameron Cade: I thought he'd never leave.
Chase Cassidy: What!? I think I miss him already. CYRUS! COME BACK OUT HERE! You can take Cameron's place! We'd make a killer commentary team! Cyrus!
Cameron Cade: Shut up!