Notes: Just couldn't let this pass without making a comment about it...
He heard the snickers backstage. He heard the full-blown laughter from those lacking the restraint or the delicacy to not humiliate him so publicly. And he heard the deliberate taunts that made him go redder than his wrestling pants. Head lowered in shame, he gnashed his teeth and plotted revenge against his fellow Canadians Christian and Edge. How could they? Those disrespectful little...
"Lance!"
The stern Canadian turned around and saw the man who'd made him the first WCW star to disrupt WWF programming.
"Hey Shane."
"Listen, about what happened..."
"I completely humiliated myself and the Alliance. I'm sorry."
"No need for an apology. Edge and Christian are born idiots and I have to tell you, just between you and me..." Shane stepped closer to Lance and glanced from side to side to make sure no one else would hear him, "I have two questions for you: a) how did you find underoos this size; and don't you think Transformers or G.I. Joe would have been manlier?"
As Shane burst into laughter, Lance stalked to his dressing room. He didn't even stop to change, he just grabbed his bag, put on a tee-shirt and headed for the hotel. Someone was going to pay for his humiliation.
She tried to practice a straight face. She spent over thirty minutes in front of a mirror practicing her facial expression, trying not to break into giggles. But she couldn't do it. She simply could not do it. Part of her itched to get her hands on Edge and Christian to beat the living hell out of them and yet, she was too happy about the laughter opportunity they'd provided. Since Ari was with her father and Lance was on the road, Em was alone a lot and the many walls of her house didn't exactly provide raucous laughter. She looked in the mirror right then and there she had the serious look she'd been yearning for. Perfect!
Then the hotel room door opened and Lance appeared, looking a touch on the furious side.
"Malyce," he said slowly, glaring at her.
She looked at him and all she could see what him in the ring, wrestling pants around his thighs, underoos showring. Laughter was inevitable. And it came to her in great gales of cascading laughter that had her doubling over, until her jaw ached, her eyes teared and Lance couldn't frown anymore.
"So you thought that was funny, did you?"
"No," she lied still panting from the laughter.
"It's your fault, you know that, right?"
"My fault? I bought those as a gag gift Lance, not for you to actually wear them when you were going to be on live TV."
"They were my only pair of clean underwear!"
"So? Haven't you heard of washing undies in a sink?"
Lance glared at Em again and she just stuck her tongue out at him.
"You know, if you'd done the laundry..."
"No way! I'm not a laundry person. I do it for Ari and myself but that's just because I can't buy clothes for every single day."
"Em..."
"Nope. I'm not getting blamed for this. But I will be praised for it."
"Praised? Why would I praise you for this?"
"Because it showed people you don't have a stick stuck up the ass you put in brightly colored underoos. And it was funny Lance. I can't remember laughing that hard."
Lance huffed as Em started laughing again.
"You know," she whispered in his ear, "Carm and I were talking. Funny is sexy...."
"That wasn't funny... that was..."
"Funny," Em countered, straddling him. "Hence sexy... hence arousing..."
"Are you telling me that seeing me in those ridiculous underwear turned you on?"
"I'm showing you," Em whispered, leaning over to bite into his earlobe as her hand went on a short but rewarding search inside the said underoos.
When Lance stepped into the large dining room, Em by his side, he was grinning like a loon. He heard the comments, the snickers, the lewd jokes but he wasn't hearing any of it. He was remembering last night and how wild his girlfriend had been in bed because of those ridiculous undies. They finally sat down at a table with Carm and Rob, both of whom were pretty much unable to stop themselves from laughing.
"You guys missed the replays Edge and Christian put on for us," Carm said. "Where were you?"
"Out shopping," Em explained mischieviously.
"Shopping? For what?"
Still smiling, Lance picked up the large shopping bag and upturned it on the table. Eyes wide, Rob picked up a cellophane wrapped package and looked at Lance, tilting his head.
"What the hell?"
"Trust me man, it's an investment into my sex life. Underoos rule!"