Disclaimer: Don’t own any Marvel characters or WWF superstars but this crossover idea, weird as it may be, is mine.
Distribution: Flights.
Notes: Something about the WCW superhero inspired me… And this is what happens when I watch three Batman movies before RAW… I don’t try to explain it, I just go with it…
“I call this meeting to order,” Batman said. “Since Superman is currently busy, I’m running this meeting. Questions?”
“I think we’re cool,” Cap’n America grinned. “So what’s the first order of business?"
“Right now, it’s driving Lex Luthor out of his mind. Cap’n, you’re kicking ass on that.”
“Thanks. I don’t think we have much more to do. Just mess with his mind a few times and he’ll be a goner. And since Sup’s away on a much publicized mission in outer space, Luthor has no clue of what’s happening to him.”
“I really do feel kind of bad about this,” Supergirl pouted, “after all, he does trust me…”
“I know darling, but we have to do this. If we let Luthor’s madness run wild, there’s no telling what he’ll do.”
“I know but still…”
Wonder Woman came into the conference room just then, via a hidden door, Catwoman and Black Canary following her.
“Sorry we’re late,” she said, rearranging her bustier while Black Canary zipped up the side of Catwoman’s catsuit, “we were… uh…”
“Changing,” Catwoman purred as she padded over to Batman, rubbing her body against his, “you would have enjoyed the sight…”
“Catwoman!” Batman exclaimed, shying away from her generous curves.
“Are implying the three of you were changing together?” Cap’n America asked, eyes wide.
“But of course,” Wonder Woman chuckled, winking at Supergirl.
“Why that’s… it can’t be… why… it’s not true, is it? It can’t be true…” the American hero stuttered.
“Yes it is!” Robin piped in gleefully, “I saw them!!!”
“And you even joined one of us,” Batgirl said, coming into the room.
“Uh… what?” Batman asked, his eyes going wide as he glared at both of his sidekicks. “You two?”
“Holy-bodacious Batman, you didn’t expect me to stay a virgin with her around?”
“Of course he did,” Catwoman purred, “after all, he’s still a virgin, aren’t you Batboy?”
“Why… uh…”
“There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin,” Cap piped up, “I’m a proud virgin! And Batman should be proud of his virginity too!”
“God,” Batman sighed, rubbing his face, “I gotta get laid…”
“I’m willing to help…”
“We’ll talk later… Wonder Woman! Supergirl! Would you mind keeping your hands OFF Batgirl!”
“I concur!” shouted a frustrated Boy Wonder.
“Here I am, Hurricane Helms,” Shane Helms shouted coming into the secret room, “let justice and honor reign for…”
“Excuse me, but who the hell are you?” Batman asked, staring at the new arrival.
“I’m Hurricane Helms.”
“And?” Wonder Woman asked, frowning.
“Hurricane Helms, I’m a superhero.”
“You are?” Catwoman purred, circling around Helms, eyeing him doubtfully.
“Of course. And what are you doing here Catwoman? You’re a super-villain, not a superhero! You don’t belong here at the Justice League.”
“Well,” Batman began, “it’s like this…”
“Wait a second, we don’t have to explain anything to him. He’s not even a real superhero.”
“I am too.”
“Really? What’s your superpower?” Wonder Woman asked.
“Well, I can… huh… well…”
“Well, we can’t really judge him by that,” Batman intervened. “After all, Robin and I don’t have any superpowers but we’re still members of the Justice League and are recognized across the world as superheroes.”
“That is true,” Captain America agreed. “However Helms, what heroic acts have you accomplished that would make us refer to you as a superhero?”
“Well, I’ve defeated the fiendish Matt Hardy.”
“Is he a super-villain?” Batgirl asked.
“Well, I suspect he was responsible for the disappearance of Moppy.”
“Moppy?” Black Canary asked. “Who’s Moppy?”
“Moppy is Perry Saturn’s girlfriend.”
“Who?”
“A woman named Moppy?” Catwoman asked, “And she didn’t ask for a name change of some kind?”
“Well, she’s not really a woman,” Helms explained. “Moppy’s a mop with a face painted on it but Perry cared about her very much and he’s taking her loss very hard.”
“Her loss?” Supergirl asked, raising a finely plucked eyebrow.
“Yeah. As it turns out, Raven and Terri were the ones who had Moppy and they… they… it was awful… they killed Moppy!”
Helms started to weep and the members of the Justice League just stared at him strangely until he composed himself.
“I’m sorry,” he finally apologized, wiping his eyes, his make-up streaking down his face because of his tears, “I just took the loss personally.”
“So, let me get this straight,” Captain America said. “Perry Saturn, whoever that is, was dating a mop named Moppy who was kidnapped. Now you thought Matt Hardy was the culprit and you defeated him but as it turns out, the real culprits were this Terri and Raven who later killed Moppy, right?”
“Yeah. You know, you’re fast.”
“Yeah, I’m fast. But considering what you just told us, you seem more like an idiot than a superhero, wouldn’t you agree?”
“Well…”
“No need to resort to insults here,” Batman said, “but Mr. Helms…”
“Hurricane Helms.”
“Yes, Hurricane Helms, at this time, the Justice League does not require your special talents…”
“For fucking up,” Batgirl muttered.
“However,” Batman went on, glaring at his sidekick, “should we ever need your help, we’ll call on you.”
“Well, I understand. All of you feel threatened by my superpowers. I will keep on working for the forces of good on my own. Until next time.”
And away Hurricane Helms went, spinning around and making wind sound effects using his hands and mouth. As soon as he was gone, Batman pulled off his mask.
“Well, that was a close call,” he said.
“Tell me about it,” Wonder Woman nodded, “imagine the scene if he’d actually realized who we were?”
“Please. The man can’t find Moppy, thinks he’s a superhero, walks around in a costume and makes sounds to pretend he’s flying,” Robin said. “Who would believe him if he told the world that WWF superstars were actually superheroes?”
“Not a whole lot of people,” Batgirl agreed.
“Exactly,” Supergirl said, “and…”
Her cell phone rang just then and she picked it up.
“Yeah Daddy? You can’t find Shane? Oh, he’s with me. You need us? All right, we’ll be right there. Robin, Daddy needs us.”
“All right. Batman, let us know when the next meeting is.”
“Will do, especially since this meeting accomplished nothing.”
“Yeah,” Captain America agreed. “Anyhow, I put forth a motion to call this meeting of the Justice League to an end.”
“Motion accepted,” Batman said, banging the gavel, “return to your daily activities people. And Robin, catch you in the ring.”
“Sure thing.”