NUMBER TWO
~ ~ ~ GOOD OLE COWBOY ~ ~ ~
HUMOR AT IT'S BEST,
WITH LOT'S OF BIG
HORSE STORIES 
1. When in doubt, run far, far away.
2. You can never have too many treats.
3. Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
4. New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
5. Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
6. Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
7. Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.
8. Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
10. Eat plenty of roughage.
11. Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
12. When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
13. In times of crisis, take a poop.
14. Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
15. Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
16. A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention
17. Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.
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1. A horse will never ask to borrow money.
2. Horses are physically incapable of grabbing the remote control and keeping it.
3. A horse will never tell you that you cooked his dinner wrong.
4. A horse will never tell you that he's got another girl.
5. A horse will never call you up (drunk) at 2:30 am and ask for a ride home.
6. Very few bill collectors will call and ask for your horse.
7. When a horse hangs out with his buddies, they usually stay out of jail.
8. A horse is not aware of football, baseball, basketball, or golf seasons.
9. A horse knows no four-letter words.
10. Horses do not have to be forced to trim the lawn.
FOLK'S, I HATE TO SAY THIS "
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Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody else!"
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This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves and sez: "Bill!" and the President waves and sez: "Bubba!" "Bubba!" "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's Bubba's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
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And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Bubba says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!
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Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... heck, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Bubba?' that's a little more than I can take! --"
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many canyons, when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of Indians. They start to spur their horse forward, when they realized that there are hundreds of Indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, once again, see hundreds of Indians rising from the hill. They begin to back away in the direction from which they had come and they realize they were surrounded.
The Indians had spread out and they were trapped. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says, " Tonto, my life long friend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times together, but now I think we are doomed."
" WE ? " replied Tonto. " What's with all this " WE " crap, Paleface ? "
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After their tent is all set up, they fell sound asleep. One hour later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, " Kemo-Sabe, look towards sky, what you see ? "
The Lone Ranger replies, " I see millions of stars. "
" What that tell you ? " asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, " Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially millions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto ? "
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, " Kemo-Sabe, you dumb Paleface. Someone stole our tent. "
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“ Penelope, do you know how to produce the sweetest milk in the land ? ” Bessie asked right away.
" I’d love to help you Bessie, but as you can see, I’m right in the middle of my daily mud bath, ” Penelope snorted in reply. “ You know how dry my pores can get. I wouldn’t want to damage my hide by leaving before I’m due ! ”
“ Yes! Yes ! ” Bessie mooed. She galloped away disappointed and decided to try Chi Chi the chicken. Chi Chi was in her hen house busily clucking away when Bessie came up to the door.
“ Chi Chi, ” Bessie called in the small doorway. “ You must tell me how to produce the sweetest milk in the land. ”
“ I would really like to help you Bessie, but I’m to scared to come out of my home, she chirped. “ If I came out, the farmer might notice how much weight I’ve gained and use me for his Sunday dinner. ”
Bessie understood and became determined to talk Karl the cat. She found Karl in the back corner of the barn constructing a huge contraption made out of wood and string.
“ Hey, Bessie, ” Karl had spotted her before she had a chance to speak.
“ With my new invention I can finally show Douglas that dumb dog who’s the best pet. ”
Bessie stared awkwardly at the pile of wood. “ I was just looking for Dolores actually, ” Bessie stated.
“ That duck’s always by the pond, silly ! ”
“ Of course, ” Bessie replied causally and off she trotted.
She found Dolores off at the shore of the pond visibly upset.
“ Hey Dolores ! Do you know….., ” Bessie had started.
“ Do you believe that dag nab turkey Tracy ! All I ever do is try and please her and what does she do, ” Dolores paused.
“ What, ” Bessie asked already bored.
“ I heard her gobbling to Pete the pony about me. Oh look ! There’s Donald. Hi Donald. You know I really have to be going. We’ll talk later, sweetie. Okay ! ” Dolores honked as she flew off.
Bessie was now getting desperate and decided maybe she could converse with old Hortense the horse. She hoped that with his old age had come wisdom. He could be her saviour. Walking up to his stable, she could already hear him galloping about. She was surprized because he rarely came out in his old age. She walked up to his black, rusty gate.
“ What do you want young one, ” he neighed.
“I was just wondering if you could tell me how I could produce the sweetest milk in the land ? ”
“ That’s all you kids now a days ever want – answers. Back in my day, we young things had to work for our answers. We were never told anything. That reminds me of this particular day when I was just a colt and...., ” and on he droned.
Bessie was finally able to escape when Hortense fell asleep while reminiscing about the good ol’ days when he was a racehorse. She ran as far as her little hooves could take her and plopped down at the farthest corner of the pasture. Cows didn’t usually come out this far because the green grass was so sweet that it gave them indigestion. Bessie broke down mooing in displeasure.
“ AHHHHHHHH! What is that horrible noise. It sounds like you’ve got your hoof stuck in a hole. Are you all right Bessie ? ” It was Kathleen, one of the older cows. Kathleen was not popular among the herd. Her spotted hide was remarkably different from most grass-grazing creatures and this had branded her an instant outcast.
“ My milk is so sour that no one will drink it. How will I ever become useful for our herd ? ”
“ You have to feel good on the inside by being kind to all creatures; furry or not. Once you’ve mastered that, you’ll have the world in your hoof. ”
Bessie suddenly understood the reason why her milk had been so sour. She had been too busy worry about her problem and not spending enough time with her friends. Bessie was so happy with Kathleen’s answer that she jumped onto her and gave her a big, wet lick.
Bessie did listen to Kathleen and instead of trying to tell her friends her problems, she asked them how they were. She let only positive moos out of her mouth. She went around spreading her happiness and started to feel good. It was at that moment that Bessie’s milk took on a brownish hue.
Jessica the farmer’s daughter, all bewildered decided to try some of Bessie’s nectar.
“ Wow ! ” Jessica moaned in pleasure. “ This is the best milk I ever tasted ! ”
Bessie’s milk became renowned in all the land. So sweet, it was that it became known as “ chocolate ” milk and its sweet flavour brought pleasure to many lips. Even today, you can find Bessie’s “ chocolate ” milk at your local grocery store. Even you can make you own chocolate milk -- if you’re sweet on the inside and out.
Bessie’s head
lifted up. Her eyes widened.
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