Copyright © 2010 by John-Patrick Ayson. All rights reserved.
in the heart of defunct financial districts are mile length lines, comprised of men & women with grumbling stomachs, penniless pockets & zero confidence, making their way thru decagon shaped buildings, into storage rooms padded with five layers of styrofoam — where three foot tall stacks of manila envelopes, piled on top of third grade plastic tables, are attended to by persons wearing matching snake skin suits & berets, handing one envelope to each man & woman — who will find a document inside, which reads:
we are an all for profit organization whose objective is to protect our land from perpetrators & their intrinsic quests to disrupt our way of life.
these perpetrators are, but not limited to:
º ravens (& other creatures resembling them)
those coveting ca$h or a simple j-o-b should stop reading this now. otherwise, consider yourself a candidate to become an integral part of our organization who:
º has an innate and/or nurtured scorn for foreign creatures — xenophobia is a plus!
º is experienced with spears, sling shots, bows & arrows, or other hunting paraphernalia
º will project their fears & insecurities into ridding the perpetrators
an open ended training regimen will serve as a preview in terms of how our organization operates. while in training, our trainers will assess your overall skills & adequacy in fulfilling our objective. if deemed worthy, you will be offered a short term contract which may or may not last between 30 to 90 days, where you will hone your ability to:
º maim &/or kill a minimum of 25 ravens per day
if you exemplify dedication in meeting this modest expectation, you may be offered a full time position, where killing, not just maiming, twenty five ravens on a regular basis becomes a requirement; the following is a commission scale* in which our fulltime associates are subject to
* due to this industry's unpredictable climate, this may warrant unexpected changes *
º minimum of 25 dead ravens = base salary of 10 dollars
º 50 dead ravens after the minimum = base salary multiplied by 50 %
º 100 dead ravens after 75 = base salary multiplied by 100 %
º 200 dead ravens after 175 = base salary + base salary multiplied by 200%
º the pattern should be obvious by now
since there is no telling that an injured raven may or may not recuperate & continue on living, we can only offer compensation for dead ravens. we reserve the privilege of deciding whether or not a raven is truly lifeless. our representatives will be on the job site to make this decision
if & when you decide this position is right for you, please remember that our objective is to protect our land from these vile creatures & their propensity to derail how we live & function. of course you can earn a lump some living, but having the honor of doing our land a larger than life service is incomparable to any compensation, & is far more commendable than most occupations & their age old reliance on the theory of pussificating the read eye of resentment
THE END
Want to comment on this story? Email the author or send us an email!
[Purchases on this site are secured via Amazon.com, and help fund Armageddon Buffet.]
Jessica Wineteer / The Sharpest Tool in the Shed
Harold Jaffe / Revolution Post-Mill
m. benedict / the fountain
Shane Jesse Christmass / Case Report into Clairaudience
Tantra Bensko / Clock
Jessica Hayes / Notification
Shane Jesse Christmass / The Modern of Tongues
Daniel King / The Interpretation of Life
Juventino Manzano / Back on the Home Front
Ashok Rajamani / White Men Can't Jump, Er, Tie a Sari
Harold Jaffe / Excerpts from Paris 60
John Darling / There Must Be Cowboys
Edwin Decker / Armageddon of Queer
John-Patrick Ayson / atrophy
Stephen W. Potts / Zone of Silence
Harold Jaffe / Warr Games
William Terry / Affection Interchange Program
Juventino Manzano / Vestige to Visage
Arkady and Boris Strugatsky / A Beetle in an Anthill
Harold Jaffe / Bela Lugosi
Tyrone Nagai / Lola and Jean
Jefferson P. Swycaffer / In Search of The Fuehrer
Don Traverso / Dysecdysis
Thomas Logan / Ghost Dance Soliloquies
B. F. Price / Animals Were Harmed
Jefferson P. Swycaffer / The Gift that Keeps On Giving
Harold Jaffe / Cho
Jefferson Swycaffer / Leviathan of the Blades
Devin Walsh / Felix Culpa
Tony Zurlo / What Did You Do During the War, Daddy-O?
Stephen W. Potts / One Thousand and One Nights
Juventino Manzano / Epiphany in Hell
Don Traverso / Tuesday 10:30 AM
Frank Norris / Comida
Don Traverso / Mist
Juventino Manzano / Suburban Passion In Three Acts
Stephen MacKinnon / Triptych
Juventino Manzano / Requited Ecstasy
Stephen W. Potts / Loose Ends
Kirsten Noelle Hubbard / An Elegy for the Uninvited
Conor Murphy / Think Nothing of It
Jefferson P. Swycaffer / The Lifeboat Game
H. G. Wells / A Dream of Armageddon
Chris Tannhauser / See-Through
Stephen W. Potts / Apocalypso
Mark Twain / Letter to the Earth
Morgan Lockhart / Coyote and the Faceless Cowboy
Brad Lyke / Murder Takes Your Wings
Stephen W. Potts / The Lord's Work
Conor Murphy / Two Poems: After the Smoke Sermon and Inundation of a Rat
Stephen W. Potts / A Sad Story
Jessica Hayes / Above the Ed Sullivan
Chris Tannhauser / Zoroaster's Conundrum
Jessica Wineteer / Fashion Statement
Stephen W. Potts / The Commuter
B. F. Price / Levels of Comfort
Stephen W. Potts / United We Stand
Jefferson P. Swycaffer / The God Monologues
Alan Wade / Wonder Woman, Hungry
Chris Tannhauser / Sadhus in Trouble
Stephen W. Potts / In Your Dreams
Chapter 9: A Patient Darkness
Chapter 8: Backflash
Chapter 7: Scars and Angel Wings
Chapter 6: PR1Σ$+
Chapter 5: Fierce Orbits
Chapter 4: Dead Playboys
Chapter 3: Tabula Rasa
Chapter 2: Blood Sneeze
Chapter 1: Screams Like Meat
Prologue: God's Dogs