June 17, 2001
These "Weird Reference Questions" are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv.
All of these are real and provide proof that a "better idiot" can be invented.
"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?"
(Actual title: "Satanic Verses")
"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95.
Do you know which one it is?"
"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?"
(hahahaha...what a bone head!)
"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
(hmmm...I don't recollect any camera-toting cavemen...do you?)
"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome.
I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."
(No...that's your brain miss-firing.)
"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."
(I know...how about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!)
"I need a color photograph of George Washington."
(Ok...hold on...I'll check with the caveman...)
"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)
(This one gets the golden stupidity award!)
My family are packer fans and so am I so I love this one!
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Green Bay, WI park when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiller. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Brewers Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal" he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Brewers fan," the little hero replies. "Sorry, since we're in Wisconsin I just assumed you were" says the reporter, and he starts writing again. "Packer Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he writes in his notebook. "I'm not a Packer fan either," the boy says. "Oh, I assumed everyone in Wisconsin was either for the Brewers or Packers. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks. "I'm a Viking fan," the boy replies. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Bastard From Minnesota Kills Beloved Family Pet.
June 18, 2001
Ahhh Blond Jokes... I love 'em. This is my favorite.
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
Signs you are drunk: You fall off the floor
June 19, 2001
Okay, I thought this one was hilarious. I got it as one of those Joke-A-Day emails.
This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS
#1: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."
#2: "Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."
#1: "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
#2: "No, I say again divert YOUR course."
#1: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!"
#2: "This is a lighthouse. Your call?"
June 21, 2001
The drunk... (NOTE: On the spicy side.)
THREE GUYS are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers
up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your
mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk
wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy,
and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back
to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally, the guy just can't take it anymore. He looks at the drunk and yells -
"Go home, Dad, you're drunk again!"
June 22, 2001
More Stupid people jokes courtesy of my mom... Thanks!
How Stupid Can Some People Be?
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months,
saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He
received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours
attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded
himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was
standing beside them in the police line, shouting
"Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped
a motorist and forced him to drive to two different
automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and
asked for all the money in the cash drawer.
Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three
hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a
lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup
to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was
arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America
branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to
keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the
high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California,
some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No
matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their
brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get
on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost
every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they
putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there
could tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in
perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the
outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct
size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in
the water to check underneath. He came up choking on
water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE....Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
Another one courtesy of my mom!
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers, and the CEO thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! He walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "I pay my employees to work, not stand around. Here's a week's pay; now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room at the shocked expression on everyone's face and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."
June 24, 2001
Make me an uncle...
Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.
"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.
"And why not?" asked Stan.
"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?"
Stan said nothing.
The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."
Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're SURE you want a nephew?"
"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor!"
"Well congratulations, you're holding him."
June 25, 2001
Black Magic...
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said. . . "Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"
June 27, 2001
First one courtesy of Mommy and the second is a Joke-A-Day email I got... Pretty funny stuff!
My Gold Fish Died
Little Jennifer was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor Teena peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, she politely asked, "What are you up to there, Jennifer?"
"My goldfish died," replied Jennifer tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
Teena was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Jennifer patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."
The traffic ticket...
A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons.
He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"WHAT FOR?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.
The Judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The guy replied... "I know - I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words!"
June 28, 2001
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: HA! Oh boy, that's a good one. I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!
June 30, 2001
Quick Thinking!...
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said - "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
July 2, 2001
Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin. In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"
July 3, 2001
This is from my brother... sent to me just for my site so thanks Brian!
Technical Help
If you can't laugh about this you need help.... This is a supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal :
"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
July 5, 2001
A short but funny one today!
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China.
They decided to become American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck."
Chu called himself "Chuck."
"Fu" decided to return to China...
Okay I got another one... two for one today!
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
July 10, 2001
"OLD AGE 2001"
I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything worse than being old. How awful it must be to have nothing to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV. So last week, when the mayor suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I determined to do just that. I would call on my new neighbor, an elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, who, I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because he was too old to take care of himself. I baked a batch of brownies and without bothering to call (some old people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten this old guy's day. When I rang the doorbell, this "old guy" came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond.
"I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he said when I introduced myself, "but I'm due at the Racquet Club at two. I'm playing in the semifinals today."
"Oh, that's all right," I said. "I baked you some brownies..."
"Great!", he interrupted, snatching the box, "Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!"
"...and just thought we'd visit a while, but that's okay, I'll just trot across the street and call on Granny Grady..."
"Don't bother," he said, "Gran's not home. I know, I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight. She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast that she had an appointment for a tint job."
I called my Mother's cousin (age 83), she was in
the hospital... working in the gift shop.
I called my aunt (age 74); she was on vacation in
China.
I called my husband's uncle (age 79). I forgot, he
was on his honeymoon.
I still dread old age, now more than ever. I just
don't think I'm up to it.....
Two for one today because I haven't gotten any lately that are worth posting!
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
July 11, 2001
Well I wasn't sure if I should put this under thoughts or jokes but this was too cute to pass up.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the
chips and dip coming.
--Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with.
--Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
by then.
--Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.
--Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids.
--Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
--Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
--Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
--Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that.
--Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
--Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going
to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
--Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
--Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"And the #1 Favorite is........"
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
--Ricky, age 10
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