THE PROSE PANTRY 
This story starts in the present. Startling evidence has been uncovered about the notorious double life being lived by the one and only Santa Claus. It may be controversial and upsetting to those who can't bear to see their heroes as less than perfect, however we can not avoid acceptng the facts that prove Santa Claus and the Green Giant are one and the same. Consider if you will the following. First of all, both are known as "Jolly." Second, they are equally remembered for using the same key phrase, "Ho, Ho, Ho." Third, each of their names contains exactly ten letters. And finally both are known for wearing singular colored outfits.
Further investigation revealed the information that Green Giant canned foods are manufactured by the Pillsbury Company, which has its headquarters in Minneapolis, Minnesota. It certainly can be no coincidence that Minnesota is know as the "North Star" state or that the words "North Pole" and "Minnesota" have exactly the same numbers of letters. If this isn't enough similarity, then perhaps one should ask why the Pillsbury Dough Boy resembles the traditional image of an elf.
Before going futher one must determine if such a double life is really possible. The answer is yes. Actually, it makes a great deal of sense. What better way for Santa to keep them busy between Christmases than to have them working at growing and canning vegetables. Best of all, it would provide a ready supply of food for his reindeer and a steady source of cash for all those gift expenses. Of course, one can't forget the tremendous advantages on Christmas Eve from having access in this modern age to a well-developed distribution system of a large corporation. This may explain how he is able to get around so easily in one night with an ever increasing world population.
Based upon these revelations, one is force to accept the possibility that Santa Claus may in fact be a giant who once a year masquerades as a short round icon of of charity. Looking at history one can find evidence that Santa Claus may have had other identities prior to assuming the role of good old Saint Nick. Let's take a moment to examine the similarities between the legends of Paul Bunyan and the Green Giant. Paul Bunyan came from Canada. The Green Giant's headquarters is in Minnesota which borders Canada. Each is reputed to be extremely large. Both are best know as working with the land. And not only do each of their names have exactly ten letters, but perhaps strangest fact is that the Pillsbury Company is located in Minneapolis -- sister city to St. Paul, the combination of the names, "Saint" Nick and "Paul" Bunyan.
Now that Santa's possible alias have been discovered, one must search history to see if he might have been connected to any other legendary giants. To start with, there is the case of the giant Goliath from the biblical story of David and Goliath.
According to the story, David defeated the giant with a single blow from a stone tossed by his sling shot. However, what if Goliath didn't die? Wouldn't leaving the area to avoid the humiliation been a logical option? And if the scar from his wound left a mark on his forehead that would certainly explain his later being known as Saint "Nick."
A further clue to the connection between Goliath and Santa can be found in the meaning of the giant's name. Goliath means, "splendor." One can certainly understand how a fleeing giant with a name associated with magnifience would have a hard time living a ordinary life. No doubt, in time, this person would begin to miss his former glory and eventually find a new way to regain his fame.
This, however, would not explain Goliath's sudden fascination with acts of generosity. To understand the possible drives inside of this giant that turned him into a celebrated philanthropists, one must look deeper into Goliath's past.
There is probable cause to assume that Goliath knew a much older giant name Og. Legend has it that Og survived the flood. Some sources claim that the pre-flood civilizations had been involved with vast cross breeding programs. It is possible that this ancient giant was the first to teach reindeer how to fly and later after Goliath's embarassing defeat help him to see the error of his ways, assisting him in assuming a new life filled with repentance for his past evil deeds?
So there it is. The untold story of Santa Claus, a.k.a. the Green Giant, a.k.a. Paul Bunyan, a.k.a. Goliath. A story of a huge heathen outlaw who migrated, after coming out the loser in a street fight, to the Canadian woods where he assumed a new name to accomodate his tremendous ego. Here, in the obscurity of the dense forest, he became Paul Bunyan. However, this seems to have been nothing more than a cover story. One that allowed the secrecy needed to carry out his genetic engineering experiments, resulting in a string of now famous reindeer and an army of short merry toy makers.
At some point he appears to have become dissatisfied with the life of a lumberjack and donned a new role as the greatest giver of gifts in history. Santa Claus secretly moved south to add to his glory by becoming a force in the canned food industry under an assumed name. Unfortunately, it seems, that old habits are hard to break, which is why the story of Santa Claus is tainted with accounts of his breaking into homes on a cold winter's night. Thank goodness he has been able to control his urges and only gives into the compulsion once a year. Still, there is every reason to be concerned over his fondness for stuffing things into people's socks. It is hard to imagine what pyschological implications could be deduced from this activity.
There is cause to believe, fortunately, that Santa genuinely regrets his sordid past. This is seen in his constant use of the phrase, "Ho, Ho, Ho." A simple phrase to those who don't know that in the ancient Hebrew tongue this is a lament that is pronounced, "Woe, Woe, Woe." At least for the present, one can take comfort in the knowledge that regardless of his other identities, Santa is more preoccupied making children happy at Christmas time than any other pursuits. There was, sadly, the time he had a relapse in the story of Jack and the Beanstalk. But that's another story.
