BETTER HOUSE AND GARGOYLES

It doesn't take long, does it? Poor old Alan Stockdale has hardly had time to hand back the key to the Treasury bathroom and suddenly the Premier wants to use tax-payers' money to build a new parliament house. Come back Alan, we miss you! Okay, admittedly it is agreed by both sides of parliament that the current Parliament House is in some need of repair. The Premier's office is quickly running out of headroom, while the Opposition offices are the size of a shoebox. In fact, they are only able to work there due to the generosity of the Premier, who kindly keeps the shoes in his mouth. But the Premier announced this week that it may be cheaper to build a new parliament house, because the cost of restoring the current one has soared to almost $230 million - which means the final contract will go to Bruno Grollo or soccer player Christian Vieri. Some people have suggested that $230 million seems a bit much for a parliament that sits less than a Mal Colston with a bad case of haemorrhoids. However, the Premier says the main reason the price of repairs is so high is the cost of obtaining the right stone combined with extra expenses for interest payments after the government decided to pay for the whole thing using taxpayer funded credit cards. The Premier says we must use the stone because if we use the alternatives of sticks or straw, then the Big Bad Wolf will come along and blow our house down. Of course, what the Premier didn't reveal was that the $230 million he was bandying about was the quote to do the job properly, but there are plenty of builders out there who could do a shoddy job for a lot less. Let's get one of these rip-off merchants they always have on A Current Affair who'll do it for $500 cash and a slab of beer. Better still, why don't they just make the whole restoration a work-for-the-dole scheme. Or, if that doesn't work, maybe the Premier should take the lead of his wife and turn it all into a lifestyle program. He could call it Changing Houses, or Better Homes and Parliaments, and Tonya Todman could complete all the repairs using only some crepe paper, egg cartons and a couple of pipe cleaners. However, if we can't find the money to restore Parliament House, there are still plenty of low-cost alternatives. For example, the Government could buy Waverley from the AFL. Sure, Waverley's no good for football because of the lack of public transport and the cold, but this is no problem for parliamentarians because they all have government cars and could keep themselves warm by burning confidential auditor-general's reports. If AFL Park isn't available, maybe the Premier should consider the World Trade Centre as the new home for parliament. Let's face it, the last main event they had in there was Madame Tussauds, so we already know they have enough room for a couple of hundred dummies. If the Premier wants to spend some taxpayers' money, then he should build some new hospitals or schools, otherwise, come next election, he might really end up in some offices he doesn't like - the Opposition's.