TWENTY SIGNS YOU MAY HAVE JOINED A REALLY BAD MILLENNIUM CULT ...

 

BEAT MAGAZINE APRIL 1999

Cult comedian or comic guru? Whatever he is, WIL ANDERSON has kindly taken time out on the eve of his Wilennium Comedy Festival show to delwise words to his followers and Beat readers..
So here for your education are Anderson's Twenty Signs You May Have Joined A Really Bad Millennium Cult...

 

  1. The name of your cult contains the words Kiss, and Army.
  2. Instead of reading from teh Bible your cult leader gets all his predictions from Max Walker's How To Hypnotise Chooks.
  3. Your cult leader pretends to know everything about computersand yet still thinks the Silicon Valley is teh gap between Tori Spelling's breasts.
  4. The good news is the cult's apocalypse bunker is well stocked with emergency supplies of baked beans, the bad news is it's also air-tight.
  5. Your leader's last job was playing that guy Urkel on the hilarious television show Family Matters.
  6. If you don't sell 100 boxes of the special Apocalypse cookies you don't get to join everyone else on the mothership.
  7. The leader of your cult doesn't love Raymond, and as we know Everybody Loves Raymond.
  8. Your cult leader thinks he's a kitty cat, and keeps asking other cult members to sit him on their lap and stroke him.
  9. Your cult leader gets all his predictions from fantales wrappers and is thus convinced he will star in Working Girl and marry Antonio Banderes.
  10. Your leader makes you wear electronic brain hats and watch hours of him making speeches, which wouldn't be so bad but he also makes you watch hours of Richard Stubbs doing stand-up on The Late Report.
  11. The name of your cult ... The Daddos.
  12. The compound where your cult is located is just the granny flat at the back of your Mum's house.
  13. Your cult leader think Y2K is the latest fragrance from Calvin Klein.
  14. Despite his predictions of impending Apocalypse, you notice your cult leader has already renewed his subscription to Nutty Cult Leaders Digest for the Year 2000 and 2001.
  15. Your cult leader told you all about the free Nikes, but didn't mention the fact that to get on the space ship you would have to remove your genitals.
  16. After touring for almost two years you realise you're not in a millennium cult at all but just a member of the Jim Rose Circus.
  17. Your leader has named your compund the House of Burning Death.
  18. The leader wears really little mini-skirts and takes all her instructions from amysterious dancing baby.
  19. Keeps predicting when teh world will end, and then when it doesn't happen says: "Did I say today? No, I menat next wekk. This is a nine, not a six ... I just can't read God's handwriting."
  20. Has put all the cult's money in a bank account with the combination 666 which everyone knows is the PIN number of the Beast.