ALL SPLIT ON THE SECOND BANANA

Let's get one thing straight; Jeff Kennett is not retiring from politics. Like on his early morning exercise bike, he's not in a hurry to go anywhere. So it came as a big surprise this week when the premier came out and anointed Rob Knowles as his favoured successor. Mr Kennett, who stressed he would find it harder to quit than Shane Warne in a cigarette factory, said Mr Knowles would be his choice as premier if he happened to "get hit by the proverbial bus." Let's face it, he's more likely to get hit by a tram driven by an irate pensioner who can't work out how to use the ticket machine. The announcement was particularly surprising, however, because Mr Knowles is hardly a household name - like Mr Kennett, Mr Gude, or Mr Spatula. In fact, he has kept a pretty low profile in the past couple of years, as part of the State Government's Health Minister Protection Program. This is why, in an effort to lift his profile and at the same time raise money for the State, Mr Kennett also announced Mr Knowles would be changing his nam by deedpoll to Whiskas. Fans of Mr Knowles say he would make a great premier, describing him as warm, soft an fluffy; which are good qualities in both a leader and a washing powder. But while people might be divided on whether Mr Knowles should be premier, they all agree it's a tough job being the second banana to the biggest monkey in town. No matter who replaces him, no one is ever going to be as loud and outgoing as Jeff Kennett. Let's face it, there are air raid sirens that are not as loud as Jeff, and Jehovah's Witnesses who think the Premier is a little too "in-your-face". Personally, I would like to see the whole process made more interesting by getting Eddie McGuire to quit his job as host of Who Can't Pronounce Millionaire? And host a new show, called Who Wants To Be The Premier? Then all the candidates - Rob Knowles, Louise Asher, Ted Baillieu, Steve Bracks and Plucka Duck - could get together and be asked a series of questions, such as: what is a conflict of interest? And if they didn't know, they could ring a friend - well, as long as that friend was Ron Walker or Lloyd Williams...