On a Psych Ward
I wrote this story/poem about the treatment I received for my eating disorder at Milwaukee Psychiatric Hospital.
Laying on my cold hospital bed
on the starched white sheets
This is not the goal I had in mind
This lady comes in to weigh me
I am told she is my nurse
She claims to understand eating disorders
Well at least one of us does
So I hop up on the scale
In a flimsy paper gown
I stand backwards of course
I don't care because I can sneak on later
She does not say anything
But I know my weight went up
Because I drank three glasses of water before
Which I will throw up when I take my shower
My bathroom door is locked
(to prevent me from flushing myself to death?)
So the nurse comes in and unlocks it and watches me pee
(What a job!!)
Then she lets me take a shower while she sits outside my door
I puke
I also noticed my window is locked
Why bother?
Even if I were to escape
I would still be locked in the private jail of my mind
There is a peephole in my bedroom door
I can't see out but they can see in
They check on me every fifteen minutes
Like they are expecting me to disappear
Are they afraid of what they will find if they open the door
And treat me like I am human?
Are they afraid of me?
The nurse who understands eating disorders more than I do
comes back into my room
She tells me excitedly that my tray is here
(Shove it lady!)
Oh joy! I tell her
The highlight of my day!
She leads me out of my room
grasping onto my arm so I do not fall
like I am a fragile old lady
She locks the door behind us
She said she understood!
Doesn't she understand that I will need to throw up later?
My tray awaits
Also known as
poison
evil
death
I have a menu like I am in a fancy restaurant
Do I have the option of sending my food back
if I do not like it?
The so called understanding nurse watches me
Am I on display?
Should I do a little dance
Nope! Can't do that because that would be exercise!
Is this how the critters in pond water feel
when they are studied under a microscope?
She watches me like I am an infant taking my first bite of solid food
(first bite of solid food in six months)
She seems so proud
Doesn't she understand that this is just a show?
(Buy your ticket now to watch the amazing Katey eat lunch!)
I'll find a way to punish myself for this
I'll find a way to get rid of it
She gets up for a minute to get my chart
Guess she does not understand eating disorders after all
Hide my buttter under my plate
Dump the milk in the plant
It will be a nice healthy plant thanks to me
I ate 60%?
What? I get a grade?
Well in school 60% was an F!
See? I fail at everything!
The not too bright nurse leaves me alone again
I suspect that she has an eating disorder
She made me eat but when I offered her my food
she refused to eat!
That is non-compliance young lady!
I go to the nurses station
(the psychiatric equivalency to a police station)
and I ask for a styrofoam cup
The anorexic nurse comes back
and asks me if I want an Ensure
(in three oh so yummy flavors)
to make up for the calories I did not consume
No thank you
I will have to pass on liquid death today
So I take my styrofoam cup
I hide in a corner
bend over
what goes down must come up
I will not eat
I dispose of the cup in the garbage
Where all food belongs
I pace the halls
How many steps in a mile?
The very annoying nurse stops me
She tells me that I canoot exercise
Well I thought I was doing just fine
thank you very much!
Well now we have group she says
Group of what?
Group of fat lazy lard asses?
Oh that's me!
How do I feel?
Well lady sorry to tell you but I don't
There isn't a stupid little facial expression on a chart
to match my non-existant feelings
And soon oh dear nurse of mine
I will be non-existant as well
I am allowed to go back to my room
Laying on my cold hospital bed
On the starched white sheets
This is not the goal I had in mind
We have a group for that too
What is my goal?
Death! I need to die!
I disrupt the group they say
Funny how eating has disrupted my life but they do not care
The dietitan orders me snacks
Snacks are unhealthy so I refuse
I have rights
I have the right to refuse any unnecessary medical treatment
And fat is not necessary
All day we have groups
All day I am supposed to eat
like a fat grazing cow
I try to hide in my room and sleep
but they physically drag me out and lock my door
Why do they think that every problem can be solved by locking something?
I "eat" my lunch with the eating disorder patients
We look around at each others trays
calculating the time it will take for all of us to explode
we make pretty pictures with our food
I have always loved art
The staff call it playing games
Every once in a while I take a bite to make them happy
Once I am done I get my grade
(still failed)
And I get my cup and do my routine
(hide, bend, puke, trash)
Then we have coping skills group
I like my coping skills
I get upset, I puke
I get happy, I puke
I get mad, I puke
Works for me but that stupid nurse says it is unhealthy
I say feeding people unnecessary amounts of food is not healthy
I meet with my therapist
What brought you in here she asks
Well lady, people think I have a problem
My problem is people thinking I have a problem
They say I have an eating disorder
It is very ordered though. Very organized. I see a pattern here
So I disagree
Oh? she askes
A woman of a thousand words
We sit in silence
If only my head were silent
I get bored so I leave
Pace the halls
Count the steps
Count the ceiling tiles
Count calories
Count count count
I pass out
They unlock my door (but not bathroom)
I get to lay down
I am almost asleep when a new nurse comes in
She takes my vitals to see if I am still alive
(Shit! I am!)
Too low she says
I win an Ensure
Oh how lovely! I get room service
Just add it to the bill that I will never pay
I fall asleep until dinner when they wake me up
Guess they did not want me to miss the excitement
The doctor says I need to eat
Okay fine
1/6 roll, 1/4 cup skim milk, 2 oz. juice,
1/2 salad NO DRESSING, 2 carrot coins, 1/12 veggie burger
I will have to exercise 2 hours to reverse the damage
We have another goals group
Did I accomplish my goals?
Gee..let me see...I'm still alive
So..um..nope. I failed AGAIN!
They give me drugs to shut me up
They do not want to hear the truth I guess
I go to my room to exercise
But I pass out on my bed
Laying on the cold hospital bed
On the starched white sheets
I still will reach my goal
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