Welcome to the First Annual Mike Statement Radio Awards, live from the majestic Kodak Theater parking lot. Please welcome your host, not hosting the Oscars for the first time in eight years, Billy Crystal.
An obviously inebriated Crystal stumbles onto the stage, dragging an oversized Oscar statuette behind him. The Oscar’s head gets stuck on the way up the ramp, and Crystal falls offstage. Just then, Ben Mulroney leaps from his seat and charges to stage, knocking a rising Crystal back onto the ground on the way.
Mulroney: Hi folks, I’m Ben Mulroney! Welcome to the Mike Statement Radio Awards! My invitation to host must have gotten lost in the mail, but don’t worry, I figured out where to go, and here I am.
It sure is quite the crowd here tonight, I hope you’re all ready for a great show! We’ll have some special musical guests stopping by, including Beyoncé and Counting Crows, and, with any luck, we’ll manage to get a few shots of them performing at the Oscars inside!
Now, without any further adieu, for our first award tonight, we’ll start it off with a bang – The Most Overplayed Band That Hasn’t Done Anything Recently. To present the award, he played Greg Focker in the smash-hit Meet the Fockers, Ben Stiller.
Ben Stiller, who arrived late to the Oscars and was locked out of the building, emerges from behind a stretch limo and makes his way to the stage.
Stiller: This award not only recognizes the past successes of a band, but their ongoing influence over the genre, despite a recent spell of ineptitude. The nominees are:
Our Lady Peace
The Tragically Hip
Sam Roberts
Lenny Kravitz
And the Mikey goes to…Our Lady Peace!
Jeremy Taggert – the only remaining member of Our Lady Peace that does anything anymore – rises from his seat and makes his way to the stage. Kravitz, however, is already on his way to the stage and pushes past Taggert.
Kravitz: Thank you Ben. Wow. You know, a lot of people said winning this award four years in a row couldn’t happen, well I guess I showed…
Stiller leans over to Kravitz and whispers to him.
Stiller (whispering): Uhh…Lenny…you didn’t win, Our Lady Peace won. And this is the first annual awards show, you’ve never won it before. And you did actually just release an album, it’s just that no one cared.
Kravitz stares out into the crowd, looking terribly embarrassed. He slowly hands the trophy to Taggert, who is about to begin his speech when the exit music begins, cutting him off. Stiller, Taggert, and Kravitz exit the stage, stepping on a slowly recovering Crystal on the way off.
Mulroney: Wow! That must have been embarrassing! And actually, yes, Lenny did just release an album. You’ve probably heard that obnoxious “Lady” song. You know, the one from the GAP ads? With Sarah Jessica Parker? From Sex and the City? Ah screw it, here’s Chris Martin with the next award.
Chris Martin, lead singer of Coldplay and poor namer of babies, approaches the stage.
Martin: You know, when people heard I was coming to the Mikeys, they said, “Chris, shouldn’t you be working on your new album? Maybe name the songs? Don’t just call them all by their track number?” So I said to them, “You’re just jealous that I got invited and you didn’t. Now get out of my bathroom.” Here are the nominees for Whiniest Song:
“Broken” – Seether featuring Amy Lee
“Fall to Pieces” – Velvet Underground
“Welcome to my Life” – Simple Plan
“Reason” – Hoobastank
And the winner is…“Broken”, Seether featuring Amy Lee!
The members of Seether, along with Amy Lee, stand up and make their way towards the aisle. As they begin approaching the stage, Lee stops them and orders them all to sit back down. Their heads bowed, they sit back down and Lee comes to the stage alone.
Lee: Thank you. Thank you very much. They couldn’t have done it without me. I’d like to thank Ben Moody for quitting and leaving me with a lot of time on my hands. I’d also like to thank Marvel movies for helping to buoy my career…oh, and my Seether bandmates, who provided excellent backup work.
Lee steps off the stage, and Seether stands up again, only to have Lee glower at them, setting lead singer Shaun Morgan’s hair on fire.
Lee: You’d be surprised how often I have to do that.
Mulroney: Wow, some real fireworks early! Right now, the Counting Crows are onstage inside right now, so we’ll break and see if we can catch any of their act, and we’ll be right back afterwards with the award for the Worst Commercial.
The Counting Crows play their Oscar-nominated “Accidentally In Love” from Shrek 2, as Mulroney walks across to the snack car. It’s not clear from afar, but it would appear that he has no money and is trying to earn free lunch because he’s Ben Mulroney. The lunchwagon guy turns him down (Ben apparently thought it was the guy from in front of the CBC headquarters, but, alas…), and Mulroney sulks back to the stage.
Mulroney: Welcome back folks. Well, we were going to present the award for Worst Radio Commercial, but we’ve been told that if we lampoon any of the commercials, we’ll lose our funding. So, moving right along, to avoid any further su-spence, here to present the award for Most Underplayed Song, Neil Diamond.
Nothing happens. Ben waits at the microphone for a minute or so.
And the nominees are:
“Slow Hands” – Interpol
“Predictable” – Good Charlotte
“Pretty Life” – Jackalope
“A Crow Left of the Murder” – Incubus
And the Mikey goes to…Incubus! Accepting the award for Incubus, bassist Dirk Lance!
The crowd looks around at one another, unsure of what to expect, assuming Dirk is no longer a member of Incubus. Lance stands up from his seat and makes his way to the stage. He shakes Mulroney’s hand, accepts the award and leans into the microphone.
Lance: Bastards.
Lance walks off stage.
Mulroney: O…K…no hard feelings. Next up, to go hand-in-hand with the Most Underplayed Song category, the Most Underplayed Band award! Presenting the award, Nicolette Sheridan from TVs Desperate Housewives.
Sheridan – the Housewife that does all the publicity appearances, you know, the Terrell Owens thing – glides up to the stage wearing a long, flowing dress, something practical, something one could wear to the beach, something to cook in. Something from the show.
Sheridan: Underplayed bands are an important commodity in today’s music community. They make a great addition to college radio playlists, and are almost solely responsible for the “Music” tab in Livejournals. The nominees in the Most Underplayed Band category are:
Good Charlotte
Incubus
Pre-suck Nickelback
Emo bands
Ska bands
And the winners are…pre-suck Nickelback!
Lead singer Chad Kroeger presses play on his MP3 player, and “Leader of Men” blares out. The crowd, again, looks around confused, having never heard a Nickelback song released before “How You Remind Me”.
Chad: Wow, I really can’t believe we won. I mean, new Nickelback has just had so much success, I didn’t think anyone remembered we existed. I, for one, definitely think The State is our most diverse album, the most challenging.
Mike: Yeah, I mean, assuming Silver Side Up sold about 1,487 times more albums than The State, and that album was basically Chad and I bitching about our dad, we figured our fan base wasn’t interested in diversity or different ideas.
Chad: Sure we’ve made millions of dollars singing about habitual spousal and drug abuse, but it’s these kinds of awards that make all the difference. Thank you very much.
Rest of band: Thank you!
The band walks off the stage, as an audience member begins to shout out “Figured You Out”. Other audience members join in, and the band slowly begins growing less and less washed and a think layer of smoke begins trailing after them. They depart, and Mulroney takes the podium again.
Mulroney: Well, you’re all my Canadian Idols.
Several fruits and vegetables come flying out of the audience, and Billy Crystal – once again starting to regain consciousness – hurls a whiskey bottle. Mulroney, however, deftly avoids all the projectiles, and manages to deflect a head of lettuce back at Crystal, knocking him unconscious again.
Mulroney: Ha! I spend three hours a day training to avoid a barrage of fruit. Next up, presenting the award for Worst Radio Personality, Jude Law!
Law, who starred in approximately every movie released this year but managed to not garner a single nomination, approaches the stage, looking unsure as to why he’s even here.
Law: Uh…thanks for having me folks. I thought this was the Oscars, but Mulroney stopped me on my way in, something about them not needing me until later. I figured I had gotten a nomination and they were just trying to work out the details. You mean I still didn’t get one? Three of my movies are up for Oscars, and I didn’t get a single nomination? That’s it. Scorcese’s a dead man.
Law storms off stage, grabbing Crystal’s big Oscar on the way, dragging Billy with it.
Mulroney: That was excellent. Just excellent. What a talent. Anyway, the nominees:
Josie Dye from Edge 102
Dave “Bookie” Bookman from Edge 102
Kristy “The Woman That’s Always On” Knight from Hits 97.7
Andy Frost from Q107
Banter-Bot 5000 from Z103
And the winner is…Bookie! From 102.1, The Edge!
Bookie stands up, wearing faded jeans and a Buffalo Bills t-shirt and makes his way to the stage. As he’s approaching, a voice comes over the parking lot PA system, “Dave Bookman also won the Award for Worst Edge Personality, a category which kind of spawned itself.”
Bookie: Thank you all very much, I really couldn’t wait until Feb two-seven for this award’s show to come. I’ve been looking forward to hobnobbing with the best of the best. The William Talents. The Peaceful Ladies. The Green Days…Les Joues Vertes. Ha. Anyway, I got my whole family tix for this event, but they didn’t seem to want to come. I’d like to thank. Edge 102, where they keep giving me, as Sir William Idol says, “More more more”.
A lot of great LPs dropped this year, and I’m thankful. To have been able to play the crap out of almost all of them.
I remember back in 96. Or was it 97. 96. That’s 69 backwards. Ha. I was at Club 279 and I ran into U2. I was asking Bono about how they felt their new LP would compare to their old LPs. They pretended they didn’t know me. Like Bart Simpson says, “Ay Carumba!”
So, on a night where the Man with No Name is co-mingling. With Leo D and Jude Long Arm of The, I’m just thankful to have won this award. Thank you all!
Bookie walks off stage, as the entire audience, stunned by his completely incomprehensible speech, slowly claps.
Mulroney: Now it’s time for the big ones. First up, to present the award for the Most Overplayed Song of the Year, a good friend of mine, Canadian Idol Kalen Porter!
Porter, dressed entirely in black, his hair died black, and wearing black eyeliner, slowly approaches the stage. There is a slight moaning as he walks, every step sounding as if it is bringing about Ragnarok.
Mulroney: Uh…hi Kalen…why so dark?
Porter (cheerfully): It’s my new style? Like it! My manager says it’s in right now!
Mulroney: Great…um…the nominees?
Porter: The nominees for Most Overplayed Song of the Year are:
“Vertigo” – U2
“American Idiot” – Green Day
“Fall to Pieces” – Velvet Underground
“We’re All to Blame” – Sum 41
And the Mikey goes to…U2 for “Vertigo”!
Edge, Adam, and Larry get up, but Bono is nowhere to be seen. As the other three members of the group reach the stage, Bono parachutes in out of nowhere, landing right in front of the microphone, and forcing his band to dive for cover.
Bono: THANK YOU! It’s a great honour to have on this award, we’re just here to bring the world great music, and make people more aware of the way the world is! I think I speak for the whole band when I say that until we see some changes, U2 will never stop rocking!
Edge: I…
Larry: We…
Adam: But…
Bono: Thank you, you’re what makes it all worth it.
Edge leans over to Mulroney.
Edge (whispering): Please…stop him…he won’t let us see our families. We want to retire, we’re rich beyond our wildest dreams, but he won’t let us stop. We…urrgghh.
Bono smacks Edge in the back of the head with the Mikey statuette and carries him offstage to the applause of the crowd.
Mulroney: He pretty much could have done anything there and you would have cheered, couldn’t he?
Applause.
Mulroney: Anyway, looks like our night is just about over, we only have one award remaining. Here to announce the winner of The Most Overplayed Band of the year, Green Day.
Mike, Tre, and Billie Joe of Green Day stand up, and slowly walk to the stage, talking amongst themselves. They get to the stage and walk over to Mulroney.
Mike: We’re up for this award, why are we presenting it?
Mulroney: Why do you think? You didn’t win…
Billie Joe: And…uh…the nominees are…
U2
Green Day
Nickelback
The Tragically Hip
Sum 41
Tre: And the winners…duh duh duh! Sum 41!!
Dave, Cone and Steve-O of Sum 41 start jumping up and down, hugging and congratulating each other. Deryck stands up and moves toward the aisle. His three bandmates run down the aisle, and he trails about 10 feet behind them.
Steve-O: Whoo! Thank you all! We never would have been able to do this without dozens of television appearances, an in-your-face attitude, and, most importantly, the help of CanCon laws!
Dave and Cone: Yeah!
Deryck: Whatever.
Deryck walks solemnly offstage, and the other three bandmates celebrate with the crowd.
Mulroney: Hey, guys, how come Deryck’s leaving?
Steve: Oh, he doesn’t hang around with us. He only shows up for our shows, he doesn’t really ever bother to do press or anything. He usually says he’s sick. We tried to get him some vitamins, but he won’t eat them unless you crush them up in some applesauce and, frankly, it’s way too much work for us.
Mulroney: Well, that’s it for us here at the Mike Statement Radio Awards! Thanks for turning in! Remember, I’m Ben Mulroney, you can catch me on virtually every Canadian show that targets young people!
