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50 Ways to Impress People in a Computer Lab
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Leave your computer off and stare a the moniter for an hour. Then turn it on and leave.
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2" disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play hearts for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your file isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person next to you's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily , exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50. I lost #50! Please don't sue me! I did not mean to cause any harm!
25 Fun Ways to Cope with Stress
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
25. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
Bonus: Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
50 Fun Things to Do During a Boring Lecture
1. Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.
2. Pants the professor.
3. Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say that you have to tape the lecture for a friend.
4. Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is turned.
5. Get the other students in your row to do the wave.
6. Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you can borrow his chalk to take notes.
7. Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable scientific proof.
8. If it's a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled pi.
9. When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the professor calls on you, point to someone in the next row and say "He knows." Pick a different person each time.
10. Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your chair, along with your notebook and pen. Say that you have an important meeting to go to, and that the doll will be taking notes for you.
11. Bring a typewriter. Use it to take notes.
12. Write a love note. Sign it "a secret admirer". Get someone to pass it to the professor.
13. Get up to go to the bathroom five or six times during the class. Change clothes every time.
14. While taking notes, write vulgar words every few lines. If anyone asks, say you have Tourette's syndrome.
15. Buy a watermelon. Give it to the professor. If he/she asks, say "They were out of apples."
16. Bring a small tape player. Play a tape of the previous lecture. Take notes on both.
17. If it's an English class, ask how the theory of relativity relates to Shakespeare's "Midsummer Night's Dream".
18. Pretend to be asleep until five minutes before the end of class. Then wake up and explain that you missed the lecture, and ask the professor to summarize what he/she talked about.
19. Bring a can of spray paint. Use it to take notes on the classroom wall.
20. Bring a fully-stocked picnic basket to class. Explain that you didn't have time to eat breakfast.
21. Wear a loincloth to class. If anyone asks, say that it is your costume for the school play, and you didn't have time to change out of it.
22. Tear out pages of the textbook and make little origami animals out of them. Have a whole menagerie by the end of class. Give them to the professor as a token of your esteem.
23. Bring a fishing rod. Try to catch things on the professor's desk.
24. Bring a tape player and a tape of a thunderstorm. Keep it hidden. Sometime during the lecture, start the tape, stand up, claim that the professor has angered the gods and leave. Watch to see how many students follow you after the tape starts playing.
25. Make reserved seating cards and place them on the desks before class.
26. Tell the professor you are on a new experimental cold medication that may have strange side effects. Every ten minutes or so, run around the room screaming. Afterward, claim that you have no memory of what just happened.
27. Claim that you are the new student teacher, and that you are to give the lecture for that class. If the professor agrees, lecture on a subject completely opposite to the subject of the class. If the professor objects, say that the students should have a wide range of knowledge.
28. Switch the professor's lecture notes with your history notes from last term.
29. Raise your hand and ask when the movie is going to start.
30. Bring a flash camera. Take pictures every few minutes, using a very bright flash. If anyone complains, say that you didn't see any sign saying you couldn't bring cameras.
31. Bring a light bulb. Hold it over your head whenever you have the answer to a question.
32. Bring an easel and a paint set. Paint a portrait of the professor during the lecture. Say that it is a homework assignment for art class.
33. Sneeze very loudly. Then, have the person next to you sneeze, then the person next to him, and so on. See how long it takes before the professor sneezes.
34. When the professor comes in, say, very loudly, "Hey! A substitute! All right!" Claim that the real professor said you could have lecture outside.
35. Come to class wearing the same outfit as the professor. Call the professor a copycat.
36. If it's a geology lecture, switch the quartz crystals with New Folger's Crystals and see if the professor notices. Have a hidden camera.
37. Hide a ticking clock under the podium. Call in a bomb threat.
38. Write your assignment on Plato on your little sister's modeling clay.
39. Ask questions in a foreign language you know the professor doesn't know. Act angry when he/she doesn't understand you.
40. Come to class dressed as a professional wrestler. Tell people you joined the wrestling team. Bodyslam anyone who doesn't believe you.
41. When the professor comes in, suddenly scream, "NOOOOOO! Not him! Not professor Johnson!! They let him teach again! Noooooooooo!" then run out of them room. See how many people follow you.
42. Turn your row into a mosh pit.
43. Before class starts, turn all the desks upside down. Sit on them like you would normally.
44. Two words: American Gladiators.
45. Make requests like people do at rock concerts. ("Relativity! Relativity! Einstein rocks!")
46. Bring popcorn. Throw it and the professor. Complain that these trained animal shows aren't what they used to be.
47. Bring a tape player and a tape of the school bell. Play it every 15 minutes.
48. When the professor calls on you, mumble inconprehensibly. Answer every question in this fashion. See how long it takes before the professor stops calling on you.
49. When you take a test, hire a security guard to stand by your desk and make sure no one cheats off your paper.
50. Make up a strange religious cult and distribute flyers for it during class. If it is a religious studies class, complain that your cult was not included in the textbook, and demand that they get a new one.
50 Fun Elevator Activities
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dang it all, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, stupid motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
30 Fun Ways to Annoy Your Roommate
1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class.
2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.
4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes everyday. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find.
8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so.
10. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
11. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
12. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
13. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
14. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.
15. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
16. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.
17. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."
18. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
19. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
20. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
21. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."
22. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
23. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
24. Roller-skate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."
25. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
26. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.
27. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."
28. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."
29. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
30. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.
Bart's Crank Calls to Moe's Tavern
<-Moe's Lines->
Is anyone here Jass? A Hugh Jass?
Hey Magroin!! Pat Magroin!!
I need Hugginkiss!! Amanda Hugginkiss!!
Anyone seen Mike Rotch Lately?
Phone for McCrackin, Phil McCrackin!!
Is anyone here Wayne King?
Isabelle Ringing? Hey Isabelle Ringing?
Everyone put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!
Is a Bath here? Guys! Guys! Anita Bath!
Klosoff Wanted? Can I have Oliver Klosoff?
O'Problem? Do I have a Bea O'Problem?
Butts! Butts! I wana Seymour Butts!!
Is Freely Here? Oy!! I.P. Freely!!
Say Magroin!! Who's Holden Magroin?
Anyone here an Al Coholic?
Truckloads of Lawyer Jokes
I apologize to my Uncle Randy and any other lawyers who may be offended
99% of lawyers make the rest look bad!
A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so darn expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month." He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, "What can I do for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied the young man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone."
A blind bunny and a blind snake were born at the same time, and grew up together, becoming the best of friends. Neither one knew what kind of creature the other one was, and one day decided to touch each other and describe the sensations. The snake went first - "You're all furry, have two ears and a fluffy little tail." The bunny was overjoyed, shouting, "I'm a bunny, I'm a bunny!" Then the bunny felt the snake - "You've got slimy skin, beady eyes and a forked tongue." The snake moaned, "Oh, no, I must be a lawyer..."
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."
A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer. Presently they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed hands. The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances." The customer agreed and left with the rat. As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him and milling bout his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more joined the procession. After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing after the man. The man ran frantically for the river, and threw the brass rat into the water. The live rats followed the brass rat, and soon all had drowned. The man returned to the curio shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper shouted, "I told you, the sale was final! You cannot return the brass rat!" The customer replied, "That's no problem. I just wondered if you had a brass lawyer in stock."
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard, it's a shame to wake him.
Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
Q-What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A-Your honor.
Q-What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A-You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Q-What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A-The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.
Q-How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A-His lips are moving.
Q-What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
A-Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q-When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A-Because deep down, they are all nice guys!
Q-If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of
them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his patookus.
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicite his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no."
"Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off.
"Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."
The lawyer then says"...and if I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"
As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?"
The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
This one's for you, Uncle Randy:
Q- Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
A- New Jersey got to pick first.
The Dumbest Things Ever Said in Court
(this is true)(really)
Was that the same nose you broke as a child
Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
What happened then?
He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Were you alone or by yourself?
What is the meaning of sperm being present?
It indicates intercourse.
Male sperm?
That is the only kind I know.
Can you describe the individual?
He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male or female?
How long have you been a French Canadian?
How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
I went to Europe, sir.
And did you take your new wife?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
That's me.
Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?
Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
I'll be three months on November 8.
Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Yes.
What were you doing at that time?
Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
I used to be.
How many times have you committed suicide?
So you were gone until you returned?
She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there girls?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Yes.
And these stairs, did they go up also?
Have you lived in this town all your life?
Not yet.
All you responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
Oral.
Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Brown?
It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Brown was dead at the time, is that correct?
No. He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Truckloads of Redneck Jokes
You might be a redneck if...
Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
You've ever had to scratch your sisters
name out of a message that begins,
"For a good time time call..."
You know you're a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took
You ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin contest.
You believe dual air bags refer
to your wife and mother-in-law.
You've got more than
one brother named 'Darryl'.
You think the OJ Trial is a
Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You were acquitted for murdering
your first wife after she threw
out your Elvis 45's.
You think watching professional
wrestling is foreplay.
Your front porch collapses
and four dogs git killed.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
You no longer drink wine ever since
the screw cap got caught up your nose.
That billboard that says,
"SAY NO TO CRACK"
reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined
by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion
looking for a date.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You've got more than three cousins
named 'Bubba'.
You think the last words to
The Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
Your child's first words were
"Attention K-Mart shoppers!"
The people on Jerry Springer's show
remind you of your neighbors
You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
Your huntin dawg had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.
You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
You think there's nothin wrong with insest
as long as you keep it in the family.
You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.
You have a bumper sticker that says,
"MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT
AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."
You take a six-pack cooler to church.
Your family tree has no forks.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
You use a weedeater in your living room.
You consider your license plate personalized because
your dad made it in prison.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
The third grade teacher says little Bubba
could be a mathematical genius
because he's got thirteen fingers.
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
You have to go outside to get
something out of the 'fridge.
A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You have spray painted your
girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is
to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you
show them your belt buckle.
Your house doesn't have curtains,
but your truck does.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a
room fixture in your front yard.
On your first date you had to ask your
Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
If you refer to the fifth grade
as, "your senior year".
Three quarters of the clothes you
own have LOGOS on them.
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You just bought an 8-track
player to put in your truck.
You've ever climbed a water tower
with a bucket of paint
to defend your sister's honor.
It's easier to spray weed killer
on your lawn than mow it.
You think the three primary colors are
John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.
Your pickup has a two-tone paint job
-- primer red and primer gray.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart
cause there is a law against it.
You've been on TV more than 5 times
describing the sound of a tornado.
The beer can collection in the
town museum is the big tourist attraction.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
Your aunt and your grandmother went to the funeral and had a fight over who gets to be the widow.
You can tell your age by the
number of rings in the bathtub.
During your senior year you and
your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker 'cause you start drinkin beer when it gets light.
You think the stock market
has fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong
to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your entire family has ever sat around
waiting for a call from the Governor
to spare a loved one.
Your wife has ever said,
"Come move this transmission
so I can take a bath."
You think loading the dishwasher
means getting your wife drunk.
Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.
Last year you hid yer kids'
Easter eggs under cow pies.
You've been married three times
and still have the same in-laws.
Jack Daniels makes your list
of "Most Admired People."
Your dog can't watch you eat
without getting sick.
You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies
are two of the major food groups.
You stare at an orange juice container
because it says, "CONCENTRATE".
Your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.
You wonder how service stations
keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family died right
after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!".
Your wife's job requires her
to wear an orange vest.
Yu have the local taxidermist's
number on speed dial.
On Thanksgiving Day you have
to decide which pet to eat.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos".
You think "taking out the trash"
means taking your in-laws to a movie.
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
You hammer bottle caps into the
frame of your front door to make it look nice.
The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
The taillight covers of your car
are made of red tape.
You've ever been involved in a
custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose
to "Show and Tell."
Your father executes the "pull my finger"
trick during Christmas dinner.
You think a hot tub is
a stolen bathroom fixture.
The gas pedal on your car
is shaped like a bare foot.
You think a turtleneck is
a key ingredient for soup.
You think the French
Riviera is a foreign car.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
Your honeymoon was in Little Rock.
You do your serious Christmas shopping at the Flying J truck stop.
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
The FBI surrounded your trailer park
twice so far this year.
You have the word "howdy"
in your answering machine message.
You wish your outhouse was as nice
as those at the state park.
You've painted a car with house paint.
You're banned from the Little Rock Zoo because you disturb the monkeys.
You ever named a child after a dog.
You have more belt-buckles than pants.
You removed the back seat from your car
so all yer kids could fit in.
You think taking a bubble bath starts
with eating beans for dinner.
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
L.A. Police Department: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I've not been told!
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.
Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
Scully: It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
The Pope: That is only for God to know.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
The Infamous Poopie List!!
Bathroom Humor at its finest:
Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie
This happens when you're done Poopie-ing and you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Gassy Poopie
It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.
Drinker Poopie
The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Corn Poopie
Self-explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie
The kind where you want to Poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie
That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Poopie
It smells so bad your nose burns.
The Surprise Poopie
You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops.......a Poopie!!!
The Dangling Poopie
This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
