Jokes!
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
A. The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q: What does an elephant say to a naked man?
A: "How can you breathe through that thing?"
You know, cigarettes aren't going to make the pain go away. Want a beer?
You can save a lot of water if you shower with a friend.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be
able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in
large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and
drink beer all day.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be
hungry?
If work is so terrific, how come they have
to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the
audience sitting?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Sparky, no matter what anyone tells you, you can never have too much
sugar. ~ From the movie, Michael.
There's one advantage to being one hundred and two. There's no peer
pressure. ~Dennis Wolfberg
I am from Osaka, Japan. I came to America because I'm lazy.
~Teliho Hasuki
Americans are a broad-minded people. They'll accept the fact that a
person can be an alcoholic, a dope
fiend, a wife beater, and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't
drive, there's something wrong with
him. ~Art Buchwald
Never purchase beauty products in hardware stores.
~Miss Piggy
A womans place is in the mall. ~Bumper Sticker
Men are proof that women can take a joke.
God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right
now I'm so far behind- I'll never
die!!
You should see my nectarines! ~Witch in Into the Woods
Men Are Like...
Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars....
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee....
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all
night long.
Men are like horoscopes....
they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers...
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or
the bathroom.
If you think someone's normal,
you probably don't know them very well.
If there were no one to watch them drive by, how many people
would buy a Mercedes?
The greatest pleasure in life is going what people say
you cannot do.
Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the
whole chicken.
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's
resolutions. ~Joey Adams
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty
lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to
fight with? Not much of a weapon
there. Corkscrews. Bottle Openers. 'Come on buddy, let's go. You get
past me, the guy in back of me,
he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right
here. ~ Jerry Seinfeld.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've
got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your
biggest problem. Maybe you should
get rid of the body before you do the wash. ~ Jerry
Seinfeld
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how
long somebody stands there picking the locks, they're always
locking three. ~Elayne Boosler
I don't do drugs because I can get the same effect by
standing up really fast.
Silence is golden but screaming is fun. (stolen from
Jake's Page!)
What happens if you get scared to death twice?
We have speed bumps in NY, they're called pedestrians.
Mean people suck, nice people suck, preppies suck, jocks suck,
skaters suck, gangsters suck, cocky
people suck, shy people suck, noisy people suck, quiet people suck,
tall people suck, short people suck,
blonde people suck, red headed people suck, brunette people suck, good
looking people suck, ugly people
suck..... I'm not prejudice, I HATE EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!
Confuscious say: Virginity like balloon. One
prick, all gone.
Confuscious say: Wise man not spit in strong wind.
Confuscious say: Butcher who back into meat grinder get a
little behind in his orders.
Confuscious say: He who eats too many prunes sits on
toilet many moons.
Confuscious say: It take square ass to shit a brick.
Confuscious say: Man who drop watch in toilet bound to
have a shitty time.
Confuscious say: Man who sneeze without hanky takes matters
into his own hands.
Confuscious say: Squirrel who run up womans leg not
find nuts.
People who life in glass houses don't have much of
a sex life.
The whole point of having fun is to be
immature.
My idea of a superwoman is someone who kills her own spider.
We're all pretty bizarre, some of us are just better at hiding
it. ~The Breakfast Club
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.
If you can't sing good, sing loud.
Some people are only alive because it's against the
law to kill them.
To me, it's always a good idea to carry around two sacks of something.
That way, if anybody says, "Hey
can you give me a hand?", you can say, "Sorry, got
these sacks."
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think,
what if I was an ant, and she fell on me? Then it
wouldn't be so funny.
A positive attitude may not solve all of your problems but it will
annoy enough people to make it worth
the effort.
A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary
freezing of water. ~Carl Reiner
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your
face. ~Dave Barry
Guys are like yellow starbursts. They look good from the outside but
when you get a little deeper they
make you want to throw up. ~Jordan Tobin
Blondes have it made. Brunettes don't have an excuse
to act stupid.
Being single is like a vaccuum cleaner. It really sucks
when you're turned on.
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your
underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or
later, you'll inhale a bee.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another
road, that's why the highway department
made so many of them.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the
message across like a good mooning.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep,
you're reading, reading, and all of a
sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that
all the time.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of
thinking.
If you choke a Smurf, what color would it
turn?
In a world of pollution, smog, profanity, disappointment,
adolescence, zits, brocoli, racism, ozone
depletion, sexism, stupid self-centered guys, and PMS people
still tell me to have a nice day.
Avoid anything that would make you the subject of a
talk show.
Condoms should be marketed in 3 sizes, jumbo, colossal, and super
colossal, sot hat men do not have to
go in and ask for the small. Barbara Seaman
Do it today, for tomorrow, it wll probably be illegal.
I get plenty of exercise- jumping to conclusions, pushing my
lucks, and dodging deadlines.
Even a mosquito doesn't get a pat on the back until he is
well into his work.
I think one of us has been eating too much paste in art
class. ~Susie Derkins
Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the
lottery.~Calvin
Life is sticking your face in a blender...it hurts. But through plastic
surgery and a good psychiatrist, things
can work out in the end. ~Josh Newell
Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be
able to say it.
Does looking at guns make guys want to have sex? ~Cordelia
I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me want to have sex. ~Xander
(From Buffy the Vampire Slayer.)
Cheerios and a healthy dose of prozac make a great day!
Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different
by dressing exactly alike.
You kow you have bad eating habits when you use a shopping cart when
you go to 7-11. ~Dennis Miller
Getting away, not getting caught, that is something that can't be
taught. Lighting up, not getting burned,
that is something that must be learned.
Horse sense is something that horses have to keep them from betting on people.
Another thing this country needs--a shopping cart with four wheels that all go
in the same direction.
A vision at dinner is often a sight at breakfast.
You cannot go around giving people a piece of your mind without making them
thinkyou are not all there.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of range before
it is understood.
Tact is the ability to make a person see lightning without letting him feel
the bolt.
When a woman tells you her age, it is ok to look surprised, but don't scowl.
Poise is looking like an owl after behaving like a jackass.
By the time a man gets to greener pastures, he can't climb the fence.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,
laid down the following rules:
I`ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don`t
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you otherwise. I`ll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when
I want with my old buddies and don`t you give me a hard time about it. Those
are my rules. Any comments?
His new bride said, "No, that`s fine with me. Just understand that there`ll be
sex here at seven o`clock every night - whether you`re here or not."
Man it's cold in Cleveland in the winter. What ever happened with this global
warming thing? I don't feel it. Every day in the winter I'm outside with my
aerosol can, spraying. F*** the grandchildren! I'm cold now! ~Drew Carey
Hey, you know, I've had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema
and your heart disease. The bottom line is smoking's cool and you know it.
~Chandler *Friends*
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no
answer.
Men are amused by almost
any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice hockey is so popular -- so
buying gifts for them is easy. But you should never buy them clothes. Men
believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones
make them nervous. For
example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of
them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears
any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not
going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down
to three safe ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If
you give him a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will
hate you.
If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he
still wrong?
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry. ~Rita Rudner
école suce âne
WHY WE ARE SO TIRED
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, too much pressure
from my job, earwax buildup, Iron poor blood, but now I found out the real
reason: we're tired because we're overworked.Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments,
and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
escuela aspira asno
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl
at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" ~Jay Leno
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
dead in otherwise. ~Roger Simon
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. ~Jim Carrey
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language
that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be true. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid
of vacuum cleaners. ~Jeff Stilson
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? ~Rita Rudner
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' ~Richard Jeni
Mood ring
Bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day. When she's in a good mood it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.
Honey-DO List
Jane entered the kitchen one morning, reached to turn on the light, and it
didn't work.
After replacing the bulb, still no light. When John, her husband, came home,
she said, "Honey, the light switch is broken. Could you fix it for me please?"
To which John replied while displaying proudly the front of his T-Shirt, "Do
you see 'Electrician' written on the front of this shirt?"
Jane said nothing.
Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the cabinet door fell off
today. Could you put it back on for me please?" To which John, of course,
replied, "Do yousee 'Carpenter' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"
Next day John came home and Jane said, "Honey, the water pipe under the sink
is leaking. Could you fix it for me please?" John replied, "Do you see
'plumber' written anywhere on the front of this shirt?"
Next day John came home and the light switch was working, the cabinet door had
been replaced, and the pipe wasn't leaking. John said, "I see you found some
good repairmen". To which Jane replied, "No, I just called the neighbor next
door." John
asked, "Oh really? And how much did he charge?" Jane laughed and said, "He
didn'tcharge anything. He said I could just bake him some "goodies" or wecould
trade it out in sex." To which, of course, John asked, "Well, what kind of
"goodies" did you bake for him?" And Jane said proudly while displaying the
front of her shirt, "Honey, do you see Betty Crocker written on here
anywhere?"
Bumper Stickers
Procrastination - I'll deal with it sooner or later.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
I love cats...they taste just like chicken
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Save the planet! (Kill yourself)
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
A Few Words From The Visionary Steven Wright:
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I lost my Teddy Bear, will you sleep with me tonight?
You've been a bad boy-now go to my room
I Don't get even, I get odder
You know what I hate? When you go to a friend's house for a party, and his
parrot lands on your head and craps down your neck, and everyone laughs...then
you grab the parrot, break his neck, and toss him out the window...and *then*
everyone thinks you're mean.I hate that. ~Uncle Fred
Shouldn't the Physic Friends be the ones to call you?
Tell your little voices to SHUT UP...i can't hear mine
Your just jealous cause the little voices talk to me
I Do what the voices inside my head tell me to do
Somedays, even lucky rocketship underwear doesn't help.
I'm not weird...i'm gifted
How Can I miss you if you won't go away??
I'm Actually quite pleasant unitll I'm awake.
Life is like a bowl of punch- Go ahead- Spike it
I've had it with Reality. Now I want a Fairy God Mother
What can you expect from a day that starts with waking up?
I love long walks...especially when taken by the ones who annoy me.
why do i smile at people who i'd much rather kick in the eye?
Inside this fat body there's a skinny person screaming to get out. I ate her.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets,
because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
Good Girls Vs Bad Girls
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad
girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls say, "No."
Bad girls say, "When?"
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by
loosening a few buttons.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own
one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
If Men Were To Rewrite The Rules:
It is in neither your best interest nor ours to take those Cosmo quizes
together.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty
you are?
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not
both
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you
saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain
about having their boobs stared at.
You look like a before ad for geek makeovers. ~Dawson's Creek
No, this is me in a nut shell, help I'm in a nut shell, how did I get in this
nut shell, what kind of shell has a nut like this?~Austin Powers
I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck up my nose
"Chevy Citation. The perfect car for a geek." --Tom Clancy
The automobile did away with horses. Now, it's working on the rest of us.
Eat s***! A million flies can’t be wrong.
No offense, but why are old ladies allowed to dye their hair purple
and blue, but if we younger people do it, we're considered weird?
Why do English Literature specialists try to analyze every written
work? I wish they could accept the fact that imagination doesn't have a
meaning.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing... and
then they marry him. ~Cher
Beauty,n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and teriffies a husband. ~Ambrose Bierce, the devil's dictionary
In passing, also, i would like to say that the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on woman. ~Nancy Astor, My Two Countries
In politics if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. ~Margaret Thatcher
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends. ~Benjamin Franklin
I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal, high enough so you can look up her dress. ~Steve Martin
The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet
been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine
soul, is: 'what does a women want?'~Sigmund Freud
answer (by unknown maven): Shoes!
Of all the sexual aberrations, the most peculiar is chastity.~Remy De Gourmont
The difference between truth and fiction is that fiction has to make sense. ~Mark Twain
I haven't spoken to my wife in years-I didn't want to interrupt her.~Rodney Dangerfield
I said to my mvother-in-law last year, 'my house is your house.' The next day
she sold it. ~Rodney Dangerfield
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right
out of the bottle.~Youngman
If it is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder, some people must
really love their church.
Salesmanship is the ability to convince your wife that she would look fat in a
fur coat.
Nothing annoys a housewife so much as having her friends drop in and find her
house looking as it usually does.
You never realize how much a person's voice can change until your wife stops
yelling at you and answers the phone.
Isn't it amazing the way nature can produce a beautiful diamond merely by
taking a man and putting him under terrific pressure?
The sign of bureaucracy is when the first person who answers the phone can't
help you.
Gullible?
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater IdahoFalls
Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we havebecome
to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our
environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demandingstrict
control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for
plentyof good reasons, since:1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said
yes, six were undecided,and only one knew that the chemical was water.
My parents really hated me~ my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake
IDs.""Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had
an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important tolearn.
It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet,they're
about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keepingits
speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it wascalled,
'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you
through
life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number
three,'it was like that when I got here.'"
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby,
Welcometo Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Justlike
that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win orlose:
it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's thatgirls
should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and
such and such."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day
and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy whogives
those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police
Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a
can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." --Joe Weinstein
"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making
a scene.'"
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