Random Thoughts

(5/5/98) -- Why am I here? What's the point sometimes? Why was I born?
I feel at times like I shouldn't be here, but where should I be? There are times that things seem hopeless, and I don't know where to turn. I know that I can talk with God, but sometimes I wonder if he hears me? What have I got going for me that I should stick around? I don't have any really close friends. I don't have a boyfriend cause no one like me in that way. I'm very overweight. Not very pretty, at least in my eyes. No body seems to like me for who I am, and want me to change.
What is there to live for? Every time it seems that things are looking up, they crash and burn in my face. Maybe I'm affraid to take huge risks, or maybe there's no point. I sometimes wonder why we live if it's only to die in the end? Are there people who'll miss me when I go, when ever I do go? We all die, maybe some of us just want to go sooner than others.

that's all for now.

(7/16/98) -- Here I go again. Another crappy thing happens, and I go all nuts. I don't get it. Why do I feel like I'm worthless?? Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not worth jack-shit... sometimes even my family has a way of making me feel that way. Now I have a good family, not an alcoholic one or drugs or anything, but sometimes my mom just gets to me really bad. I'm convinced that she hates me, and that she has no clue about me. She never seems to accept that I may actually know something...I mean she thinks I'm an idiot. I'm not, but I can't convince here of that. I mean I'm going to college, she never did!
Then I wonder again why I feel so worthless so many times...I dunno. I've never had a boyfriend. I'm fucking 18 and never even had a boyfriend or my "first kiss". Sure I've had crushes, we all do, but who am I kidding...none of the guys I have/had crushes on would EVER be interested in me. Here I am, wondering if I'll ever be more than just friends with a guy. Wondering if I'll ever have a family, which I really want. I've noticed that I have a VERY healthy fantisy life... Sometimes I do wonder what it would be like if that fantisy life were real...I'd be happy, no doubt about that.. Maybe I'm just frustrated, but I don't know...and I'm REALLY starting not to care... I'd be lying if I said that suicide hasn't crossed my mind...It has..several times... I'm starting to wonder what it would be like...would 2000 of my classmates come to my funeral, like they did when my classmates Mike and Brian died??? I don't think so... I mean only 2 classmates of mine came to my graduation party...not counting those I knew couldn't come...I invited 17! Some neighbors came, and my pastor, but I really had hoped that I had more friends who gave a fuck... I mean 2 others said that they were comming...How hard is it to get a few fucking hours off work for a friend??? Needless to say I cried myself to sleep that night, and I felt worthless.... I mean, here I have a VERY FEW people that I concider friends, and they didn't even call..one friend I saw the other day and she explained why she didn't show, and I guess I understood...but It's still hard... I sent an invitation to my BEST friend, who lives in Ashland, WI. She graduated last year. I would have loved to have gone, but I didn't even here from her that she had graduated. I sent her an invitation and all that...The least I'd have wanted was a call or a postcard letting me know that she's still alive!! I guess that my "friends" have a LOT of other friends, so they don't miss it too much when a couple don't show up...but in my case, with few friends, I REALLY miss those who don't show up.............. More another time..
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