Written by Czar Fruitcake
AUTHOR’S NOTE: As requested by Alexandria. This is a retro THWACK, as in not based on the current season, because I haven’t seen a new ep in a while. Also, a secondary note, in retro-land, things don’t have to make a lot of sense, and I can guarantee that they won’t.
SUMMARY: Riley gets his while having a conversation with a lesbian seagull.
Riley Finn was sitting in a potato field in Idaho, holding a potato up to his ear and pretending he was a secret agent.
“Oh-four-six-niner,” he said into the potato. “Agent Finn reporting for duty, sir!”
Suddenly, Anya materialized in the potato field. She looked around. As far as she knew, she wasn’t still a vengeance demon. There was no logical reason for her to have the power to teleport herself, and yet she could. Such was the power of the THWACK.
She walked up to Riley, and noticed that he was letting a mosquito suck his blood, with the same, blank look-at-me-and-my-blood-sucking-ho-I’m-sad-and-dejected-buffy-doesn’t-love-me-blood-type-o-positive look on his face. He moaned just a bit.
THWACK! Anya slapped him upside the head.
“That was for cheating on Buffy with a she-vamp,” she said. She narrowed her eyes at the mosquito. “And a, ummm, mosquito.”
THWACK/SPLAT! Anya killed the mosquito. Riley’s face crumpled just a little bit.
Suddenly, a very attractive woman appeared next to Riley. “I’m Sam,” she said. “Riley’s wife.”
“Okay,” Anya said, “though if you don’t stop wearing all black tight pleather, I might have to THWACK you.”
“I’m Sam. Riley’s wife,” Sam said again.
“Code 2098!” Riley yelled into the potato. Sam stroked his hair. It was disturbing.
Anya narrowed her eyes at Sam. Something wasn’t quite right here. In the next instant, she knew what it was.
“You’re a robot, aren’t you?” Anya asked.
Sam looked away. “No,” she said brightly. “I’m Sam! Riley’s wife!” She started repeating this, sounding more and more like the Buffybot every time she spoke. Finally, smoke started coming out of her ears, and she exploded.
When the smoke cleared, in Sam’s place was sitting a lesbian seagull. Riley picked it up and held the potato up to its ear.
He smiled a boyishly-good-looks smile at Anya. THWACK!
“Honestly,” Anya said. “That smile sort of creeps me out.”
Riley rubbed the side of his head. “Buffy doesn’t love me,” he said somberly. “Nobody loves me except for Sam, the lesbian seagull, and now you broke my robot!”
Anya was about to THWACK him again when she realized that he was right. Nobody loved him. She left the poor man alone in the potato field, desperately looking for another mosquito to suck his blood and babbling to his lesbian seagull.
“I don’t have an inferiority complex. No siree. I am a manly man, who is well accomplished in many ways. As a former psychology major, I would certainly recognize it if Buffy’s strength made me feel like less of a man and provoke me to acknowledge my own fears about my sexuality.” Riley brought the potato to his ear and listened carefully.
“Stupid regular-joe-can’t-really-be-regular-too-dumb-to-realize-the-initiative-is-sketchy-had-some-sort-of-Freudian-relationship-with-Maggie-Welsch-slept-with-Faith farm boy,” Anya muttered.