Written by Czar Fruitcake
2nd DISCLAIMER: I am a Fruitcake
AUTHOR’S NOTE: I am part of the Fruitcake Alliance (several hundred members strong and growing!) To join the Alliance and get our special benefits (numerous, let me tell you), email Fruitcake Headquarters at fruitcakeHQ@yahoo.com. You will begin receiving our newsletter, which you would love if you like THWACKing people. Sorry it's been so long...
SUMMARY: Bah.
Piper found herself staring down at the Golden Gate Bridge with an incredible urge to THWACK it. She contemplated the possibilities for a moment, but the logistics were getting in the way. “Stupid bridge,” she muttered under her breath. “You’re always there to remind us that we’re in San Francisco lest we suddenly forget, despite the fact that the rest of the set is also distinctly San Fran.”
She glared at her hand, which was just itching to THWACK. Unable to restrain herself any longer, she THWACKed a random passerby, and reeling in the satisfaction, somehow managed to teleport herself to an upscale apartment downtown. She glanced around, thoroughly confused as to where she was in addition to the fact that she was suddenly able to teleport.
“Let’s hear it for our columnist of the year, Phoebe Halliwell!” came the exuberant voice of Phoebe’s boss.
Piper stalked over to him and THWACKed him hard upside the head. “How the hell did Phoebe get columnist of the year?! She writes an advice column! Oh wait, I forgot…you want to bone her; that’s why.”
Phoebe came prancing along to receive her award and got hers next. “Hey!” she screamed. “What was that for?! It’s not like it’s MY fault my boss’ sexual fantasies about me led to this award.”
“That’s for the top you’re wearing,” Piper explained. “Your boobs look way too perky.”
Suddenly Piper found herself with a mysterious and unexplainable new power – the ability to time travel. She waved her arms frantically and chanted, “rubber ducky, make me lucky, rubber ducky, wanna fuck me,” and suddenly it was the next morning and she was standing in the living room of the manor with her sisters.
“I can’t believe you quit your job!” Phoebe was yelling in Paige’s direction.
“It got to be too much work with the stress of being a witch,” Paige explained, for which she received a hearty THWACK. “I can’t believe YOU just slept with your boss!”
Phoebe smiled and looked dirty just thinking about it. “This is soooooooo bad!” she suddenly exclaimed.
“It was bad?!” Paige looked confused.
Phoebe shook her head. “No, the sex was…hrrrrmmmm pfhhhhhheeemmmm plaughhhhhhhhmmmm oohhhmmmm.” She contorted her body and sighed with pleasure as if to demonstrate, and promptly forgot to finish her sentence.
Piper THWACKed her. “No one wants to watch you have an orgasm.”
Suddenly Leo orbed in and told them to look up nymphs in the Book of Shadows.
“Ooooh! I’ll do it!” Paige yelped excitedly.
“No, I’LL do it!” Piper exclaimed, shoving Paige aside.
They both took off running up the stairs, pushing and shoving one another out of the way as they ran.
Leo eyed Phoebe curiously. “Did you cast an act-like-a-five-year-old spell on them?” he asked.
“Hrrrrmmmm pfhhhhhheeemmmm plaughhhhhhhhmmmm oohhhmmmm,” Phoebe responded with a sigh, still lost in the pleasure of her fake orgasm.
Piper was in the middle of THWACKing Paige for indexing the book of shadows with rainbow stickers when she heard Phoebe yell, “I have to go to work to tell my boss that we can no longer have sex!”
“Wait!” Piper yelled, but was greeted with a door slam. “Damn, now we have to go check out those nymphs without her.”
“Couldn’t I just orb and get her?” Paige asked.
“Stop confusing me!” Piper screamed, THWACKing Paige upside the head. “You are SO ANNOYING!!!”
Paige shut up and orbed the two of them to a fountain. Three ugly girls wearing green dresses were playing Ring Around the Rosy as they circled the fountain. For some reason, half the city of San Fran was gathered around watching them, including several television news crews.
Meanwhile, Phoebe had wandered into her office, late for a meeting. The second she walked into the room, her boss exclaimed, “Phoebe! I’m so glad to see you!” Then, noticing that everyone was staring at them, he added in a loud stage whisper, “we need to talk about LAST NIGHT.”
Phoebe smiled wickedly. “Oh, you mean, the hrrrrmmmm pfhhhhhheeemmmm plaughhhhhhhhmmmm oohhhmmmm?”
The others around the table looked thoroughly disturbed.
“Yes, dear, but later. Right now, we need to talk about the leading story in San Francisco.” He turned on the television, which displayed live footage of the ugly girls dancing around the fountain.
Suddenly Piper and Paige orbed in. Piper THWACKed a random staff member. “Why is THIS the leading story in San Francisco?!” she exclaimed. Turning to Phoebe, she grabbed her arm, saying “c’mon, we need to go. The nymphs just got arrested for indecent exposure.”
“Why?” Phoebe asked, confused. “They’re wearing more clothing than I am.”
“Oh no!” Piper exclaimed, mid-orb. “My new mind-reading powers inform me that the nymphs have escaped from the police. Orb us to the fountain, Paige!”
“Why would they be stupid enough to go back to the fountain?” Phoebe asked.
Piper THWACKed her. “You know we can’t afford enough sets to make the plot actually make sense!”
Sure enough, the nymphs were dancing around the fountain again. In addition, there was a rather sinister-looking character lurking, dressed in all black.
“Shouldn’t we stop him?” Paige asked.
“No, let’s wait and see if he attacks,” Piper told her, THWACKing herself for the stupidity of that idea.
Within seconds, sinister-man had announced his presence and killed off the prettiest of the nymphs.
“Do something!” Paige hissed.
Piper used her powers to blow up his left arm. “Now what?” she shrieked.
“Well, you could blow up the rest of him…” suggested Phoebe.
Piper THWACKed herself in the head for her stupidity, but in that time, sinister-man had disappeared.
Much to the protest of the two remaining nymphs, Paige orbed them all back to the manor for protection.
“You can’t keep us here!” the ugly dark-haired nymph whined.
“We need to be free! Out in nature!” the ugly blonde nymph added, looking strangely familiar.
“Hey, I’ve seen you before…” muttered Piper, stepping closer. “You were Maureen in Center Stage and the Shakespeare-girl in 10 Things I Hate About You.” Piper reached out and THWACKed her for dying her hair blonde and for being even more anorexic than before.
“Hey, Paige,” one of the nymphs said. “How would YOU like to be our third nymph?”
“Sure, sounds like fun,” Paige replied. Suddenly she was wearing a lime green dress and her hair had grown extensions. Piper THWACKed her for growing even more hair of that ugly orange color and for having a dress that had as much unnecessary extra yellow as her hair.
“Hey, you tricked me!” Paige exclaimed, getting another THWACK for not making any sense.
“Leo!” Piper yelled, for no particular reason.
Leo orbed in and spoke in a sage-like manner. “This entire problem is a metaphor for your relationship with Paige. Why don’t you let her share the head witch duties with you so you can have more time to spend with Wyatt?”
“Why can’t I be head witch?” Phoebe wondered aloud. “What IS head witch, anyway?”
“Okay,” Piper agreed happily. “Hey, you tricked me with your reverse psychology!”
Leo resisted the urge to tell her that he did NOT use reverse psychology. “Why don’t you let me take care of Wyatt while you guys fix this problem?”
Piper smiled and dug a baby monitor out of her pocket. “Okay, sweetie, here’s Wyatt.” She then used her new orbing powers to orb herself and Phoebe to P3, where they found Paige and the other two nymphs.
Piper THWACKed all three of them hard. “Why the fuck are you here after your whole we-need-to-be-with-nature argument?!”
No one had an answer. “We need to go back to the fountain!” ugly brunette nymph announced to change the subject, and the other two followed her.
“Come on, Phoebe, we need to go after them!” Piper pulled Phoebe away from some ugly guy at the bar. She dragged Phoebe up the stairs, stopping only briefly to THWACK one of the show’s writers for yet another somebody-goes-bad episode.
“Why don’t you just orb us there?” Phoebe asked as they ran through the streets of San Fran.
“Because,” Piper said, looking at Phoebe as though she had the intelligence of a toothbrush. “Then we’d actually get there in time to stop the nymphs from following Xavier and thinking that he’s their satyr.”
“How do you know that his name is Xavier?” Phoebe wondered aloud.
Meanwhile, at the fountain, a sinister-looking man who looked suspiciously similar to the one that had killed the other nymph earlier in the day was waiting for the nymphs when they arrived. “I’m your satyr; show me the spring!” he told them.
“Okay!” they agreed, skipping off happily. Once they had reached the spring, Paige pulled out a bottle of Arrowhead Mountain Spring Water, and held it up to the camera, saying loudly, “this PURE FRESH water that comes to us from the SWISS ALPS will help us open the spring.”
She then dropped the bottle on the ground and they all waved their arms to open the spring.
“Muahahahahahahahaha,” declared Xavier once the spring was open, just to make it clear that he was EVIL. “Now you can’t stop me because you don’t have a witch!”
Phoebe and Piper somehow found themselves in the company of Xavier’s brother and a large bonfire. For some reason, he refrained from killing them, and sat there yelling cryptic riddles in their direction.
“Blow him up!” Phoebe hissed. Piper nodded and took off one of the fingers on his right hand.
“Now I’m mad!” he announced.
“RUN!” shrieked Piper, because obviously running was much more logical than blowing him up.
They ran for about eight seconds and then stopped in their tracks to start yelling “Paige! PAIGE!!! Where are you?!”
Suddenly the three nymphs appeared in front of them. “Help us; help us; how do we stop him?” they wailed.
“Try closing the spring,” suggested Phoebe.
“That won’t work,” the ugly blonde nymph announced. The guy that pretended he was our satyr told us we needed a witch.
“Yeah, you needed a witch to remind you what to do since you’re so friggin stupid,” Piper told her.
“Oh, okay.” The nymphs waved their arms and closed the spring.
Suddenly, one of the brothers (no one was sure which one) came running out from behind a tree. “Grr argh I will avenge the death of my brother!” he yelped.
“When did anyone kill his brother?” Phoebe wondered aloud.
Piper employed her newfound transmogrifying power to turn him into a tree, despite the fact that it would have been just as easy to blow him up.
“Okay, we’re going to leave now,” Phoebe told the two nymphs (Paige had magically returned to her original form). “Have fun guarding the spring.”
“But how can we guard it without our satyr?” they wailed.
“What the hell do you need a satyr for?” Piper asked. “It’s not like he does anything.”
“It’s never been done without a satyr!” they replied, shocked at Piper’s blasphemous remark.
“You know, a satyr is merely a woodland creature with a fondness for unrestrained revelry and strong sexual desires said to inhabit wild and desolate regions,” Phoebe announced, getting THWACKed for sounding intelligent. “Why don’t you guys just guard the spring by yourselves and come to the city when you guys feel the need to be *ahem* “sated,” so to speak?”