Written by Czar Fruitcake
SUMMARY: Ben gets his (again)
AUTHOR’S NOTE: I know that Ben *just* got THWACKED a couple of chapters ago for falling asleep with Lucy’s diary, but after last night’s episode, my THWACK tally demanded that he get his again… What can I say, he’s just waaaaayyy too stupid for his own good.
Ruthie found Ben scowling at his reflection in the mirror, wondering why his abs weren’t quite as nice as Kevin’s. THWACK! His scowl turned into a wince and then a smile when he saw that wincing caused his abs to flex nicely.
“Hey, Ruthie!” he said cheerfully, noticing her reflection next to his.
She stared at him, open-mouthed.
“What?” Ben asked, confused, looking back toward the mirror as though it might have the answer.
“You’re not upset that I just smacked you upside the head…?” she asked.
Ben thought hard for a moment, forming a perfect contemplative look with his square jaw. “Oh yeah, I sort of forgot.”
THWACK! This time Ben exclaimed, “hey! Why do you keep doing that?”
“Why do you think, you moronic-forgetful-make-out-with-way-too-old-for-you-mothers-for-hours-on-end-think-it’s-okay-to-fake-an-orgasm-on-the-sidewalk-imbecile?”
Ben looked confused. And hot.
“And why are you here, anyway? Mary’s off being a flight attendant, she doesn’t love you, and you’re a firefighter in Buffalo, so why are you training a dog here in Glen Oak?”
Before Ben could respond, Peter came in holding an empty leash and wearing a guilty expression. He dangled the leash in front of Ben’s face.
“What’s wrong, Peter?” Ben asked in a serious tone.
THWACK! “What do you think is wrong, Ben?” Ruthie exclaimed. “Notice the leash with no dog attached! But don’t worry, Ben, just take this to the captain and pretend it’s the dog.” She handed the still-uneaten peanut butter sandwich to him.
He eyed it skeptically. “Do you really think this will work?” he asked eagerly.
Ruthie smiled sweetly. “Sure it will, Ben. Don’t worry about it.”
Ben ran off to go demonstrate his skills to the captain, who had somehow managed to find his way into the Camden backyard. He was accompanied by a Vietnamese mime who was playing on one of the swings. Ruthie and Peter followed at a safe distance.
“Make my dream come true!” a teary-eyed Lucy exclaimed from the porch.
“Daddy’s coming home!” Eric responded with a vigor. Ruthie THWACKed them each as she walked by. Then, seeing her own reflection in the glass, she THWACKed herself for wearing a wooly hat in Southern California.