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I am sitting and looking out the nearby window as the rain trickles down its surface, making the world outside a blur of colors. Just like my existence. A blur.
I just walked through life, doing what I had to do, hoping for something more. But then all this happened, and forever changed my outlook.
Before, I was used to the datelessness. A boyfriend was something that could happen in the future, and it was okay if I couldn’t “get the guy” all the time. Romantic comedy novels and movies would suffice. I could just curl up and disappear into my world of fiction, imagining myself as the brave heroine who lived happily ever after.
And then I met him. He had shaggy brown hair, slightly curly and very sexy. He had big full lips, and his eyes...his eyes were the bright green color of the shallow ocean that I drowned in every time I looked at him. I was too preoccupied with his eyes to even bother noticing the rest of his features. That was it, I was officially in lust.
And surprisingly enough, he befriended me. It was actually quite confusing that he would, due to my extreme lack of social skills. Because he went to a different school, I was never able to see him on a daily basis. He was just a dream to keep me going every day.
But then it turned into more. It almost seemed as though he cared about me too. It was the small things: the innocent touch of arms whenever we sat near each other, the jokes about clothes coming off, the slight flirting, and the willingness to talk for hours. It was seemingly perfect. And then he would leave again, and I would be left alone.
It continued for months, me too afraid to call, and him too much of a guy. I had never experienced anything like that before, and I was nervous that I would screw it up. It was almost as if we were at an impasse.
And then the dreams came. They were wonderful dreams, of marriage and children. They fulfilled my fantasy of the house in the suburbs with the white picket fence, the dog, and the three kids. These long nights of dreams made me long of him even more.
The time we spent together increased, both of us thinking of random excuses to be together without admitting how we felt.
But then, during one of our infamous staring contests in which he would always say “you win” before pulling away, he didn’t. He leaned in and placed his lips tentatively on mine. And it really was like they say. There were fireworks and everything.
But then my world shattered. He was driving with a friend in his new car that he had paid for himself, and he never saw the other car coming. He was gone, forever. Lost to the stupidity of the human race.
Turning everything back to a blur. They were wrong. It is not better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. It is a fate worse than the death he suffered. For now, I am just going through the motions; a shell without a soul. Sitting and watching the rain.
~~~~~
Back to The Pen Is Mightier Than the Sword...
