(you poor sick sad people...I pity you...)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
some date...some time
...it hurts
so much...
too much..
...I'm sorry
Hate me for what I've done and said...
I'm numb to the pain
and to any and all happiness.
And though it means nothing,
I'm sorry
august 1, 03
heh...I missed alot. o well. no one reads this anywho. skittles.
december 5, 02
wow...look at that....a whole month missed...my feet hurt.
octember 23, 02
you know its often times that we meet another on who is wearing the same underpants as you are at the time and you realize how awkward the situation has become and suddenly that dark alleyway is looking just a bit more drab and the ice cream is starting to melt in your trunk, the zookeeper is already pointing at the clock in the hopes to signal that the zoo is near closing, the guy wearing hotpants has left (thank the cozmic muffin), and satan is chomping at the bit to take down his christmas tree because its already well into june and you still havent changed your clocks. It is these times in life athat you step back and think "Am i crazy, or did that squirrel just wink at me?"
love luck and lollipops, children
-TRACY
8-19-02
well okay so i was sitting there and a lamp hit fell off the dresser and hit me in the head. OUT OF NO WHERE! it just falls and aims straight for me brains. ZOMBIE LAMPS! I SWEAR IT! i had to fight back you know. I CANT JUST LAY THERE AND TAKE IT! If i did then the lamp might get cocky and go after others. And maybe get his lamp buddies to join the crusades! THE LAMP CRUSADES! they’ll take over the world you know. all of humanity will fall victim to the lamps i mean there are enough of them. EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE LAMP! and not just lamps must you be afraid of. Be wary of their cousin the christmas lights. those things can strangle you like a boa constictor. ANYWHO so in fighting back, I let out a mighty battle cry, charged the renagade light, too it by the throat and threw the lamp across the room. It hit the wall and broke and i swear i could hear it make one last dying scream. I felt bad then. poor little guy.... i mean maybe he had a family. now how do i break it to them that their daddylamp is dead? it shattered. I didn’t have the heart to throw it out then. My mom wondered why i was burying a lamp in the backyard. Like she’s never seen something like that happen before. Who she trying to kid?
8/3/2002
697-
If Romeo and Juliet had lived, how long would it have taken for their love to go sour? Was it fate that doomed their affair or was it dimwitted bad choices they made? There was no chance they could have made it. Love like that can not stand, no matter how true it seems. It's a fatal flaw when it comes to human emotions. The more you put into love and the more you depend on that relationship, the more things could go wrong. Depending on someone to help you exist isn't an existance. Love in those extremes doesnt make you stronger, it just makes you co-dependent. Romeo was just a fool. He pledged his heart to Rosalind but gave that up when he found something better. That wasnt true love. That wasn't romance. "Love" that firey and that passionate burns out quickly. Even if everything had gone their way, their parents had given them their blessings, they had every chance they could, odds are they would have lost interest because the novelty was gone. There was nothing real there, past all the pretty words and vows. There was nothing. And in the end that was the tragic outcome. Nothing. So you died for her, Romeo? Ah you stabbed yourself for him Juliet? So what? Did you prove your point? Are ya happy? Who gives a shit? Did you gain anything? NO! For a love to thrive ther has to be something behind all the romance. You can say all the sweet nothings, give every rose, make every vow but if you have nothing else, you won't last.
But, believe me, I have nothing against love, itself. Love is one of the better human emotions out there, although with love you also envoke a slew of other emotions that don't make the human race all too attractive. You bring forth the jealously, the self loathing, the hate, the greed, the doubt, the obsessions, the control, the impulsiveness, the paranoia and many more. Love is a display of the best and worse of human nature, all at once. It's listed as an emotional need in order to properly function. Love is a beautiful human occurence but how one reacts to it poses the problem. Control it, it leaves. Smother it, it dies. Take it for granted, it loses interest. Depend on it for everything, it leaves you worse off then you were. Disregard it, you lose your chance. Its a fragile, unstable notion and the stronger you think it is, the more you have to lose when you lose it.
if this makes no sense to you, don't feel bad, it makes no sense to me either.
Insanity and Oddity for all eternity,
-Tracy
2-26-O2
705-
I think there is a day in everyone's life where that one childish hope and dream dies off like a wounded bleeding animal on a cold highway, after a hit and run accedent. Crying and howling, until someone shoots it and puts it out of its misery. Meanwhile, Reality is laughing meniacally, congradulating itself as it drives its semi off looking for another sweet innocent child to slap across the face and scream, "HAHA FUCKER! WAKE UP! Welcome to the real world!" On the day the your hopes are shattered and you join the mindless machine known as life, you lose all the ablity to think like a child. Thats not a nessessity but a nice thing to have. Perhaps this dream wasn't something that you have harbored since childhood. Perhaps there was a faint glimmer of hope in your life, after your original dream was crushed. This too, Reality must extinguish. I speak of reality as though it were a tangible object, but it might as well be. Life is not fair and Reality is what constantly reminds us of this. It doesnt matter just how irrelevant the dream may have been, life just won't have it. Nothing will ever go just the way it was planned. You can't ever have exactly what you wanted the way you wanted. Time limits fuck you over, physical limits fuck you over, monetary limits fuck you over, legal limits fuck you over, mental limits fuck you over, social limits fuck you over, human limits fuck you over. One or more of these will ALWAYS have an impact on your happy little plans. There is no perfect ploy. Nothing can go off without a glitch. No matter how good the outcome was of a situation, it was not optimal. There will always be a "what if...". There will always be a "If only....". There will always be regrets. So when little Johnny answers the teacher "I wanna be a doctor!" odds are he will either throw his life away in retail, marry and divorce, becoming a creepy old man in a bar looking for a last chance. Or little Johnny might grow up to see his twenty-first birthday and get himself killed with reckless behavior. The possiblities are endless, Johnny, however reality personally hates you. Feel special.
It's sickening. Everyday you are disappointed! Somehow, something doesn't go your way and your outlook on life for the day has become just a little bit more dismal. HOWEVER! The only positive I can offer you on all this is that when things don't go as per planned, if you make due, it can have similar outcome.
I swear. You could choke a large mammal with all the broken dreams that surround me.
Just keep waiting for the next false dream, child. Who knows? Maybe Reality will look the other way for you.
Insanity and Oddity for all Eternity,
-TRACY