-
"This sure is getting redundant." Nick noted as he watched a pony-tailed Howie with his grey t-shirt and beige khakis, his face hidden heavily behind a blue Nike cap and equally heavy tinted pair of shades.
"The whole transporting around you mean?" Kevin asked.
"No, that is exciting." Nick smiled. "I meant being in AJ's territory. Here we have, AJ's first pad after superstardom."
A genuine smile carved on Brian's lips. "Boy we sure have come a long way."
"This house is like a hut compared to the one I was going to have in the future." AJ remarked.
"Not forgetting the one you currently have. And hut is what Nick is living in now." Brian reminded him, simultaneously resulting in Nick rolling his eyes.
"Er guys..." Vinhorian Alni interrupted the little group 'discussion' once again.
Kevin nodded his head and found Brian, Nick and AJ doing the same. "Yeah, yeah, we know ...sorry about that."
"If you're still interested to know what's with the phone calls Howie' has been making and getting, then this right here will give you the answers."
Brian turned and stole a glance over at Howie, who had been quiet all this time. The Latino was watching his past self intently, still standing on the door step. The frown seemed to be permanently etched on his face. Brian knew he would have to face his own demons too but right then, he was just glad it wasn't his turn.
"D, you okay?"
Howie shook his head. "Not really."
"I still have to show it Howie, it's the deal." Vinhorian said.
"I know." Howie replied. He turned to AJ, the look in his eyes seemed to be telling everyone how he was torn between two things that were still a mystery to everyone else. "I just want you to know that it's not your fault."
-
The door opened after the fifth bell revealing still half asleep AJ Mc Lean in his boxers and nothing else.
"If there's paparazzi around, this would be picture of the year. Hey what do you know, they ARE gays." Howie joke lightly.
AJ grumbled and reached out his hand lazily to Howie's shoulder but he backed away from being touched. "Now that would be interpreted wrongly in a picture. Hands to yourself now."
"You got a bug on your shoulder, moron." AJ explained. "Unless he's your new pet, give him back to mother nature before coming in."
Howie waved the bug lightly and it flew into the mid afternoon sky and stepped into the house. "What's wrong? The last time I was here, you were practically raising new found germs."
"That was with Brian." AJ reminded him. Howie looked around the house. Not a single stitch of clothing could be seen lying around on the floor. "My bad."
"So, I was thinking...what about we hit a club tonight? I have a friend who works there, he'll make sure we wont get mobbed." AJ suggested as he slumped himself down on the sofa. Howie gratefully took the seat facing him.
"It's only two in the afternoon J, can you live like normal people? Not become a vampire?"
"I'm suppose to do some grocery shopping later, does that sound like fun to you?"
"Ah...see, something normal for once." Howie teased. "Sure, I hope we're buying real food, not frozen pizzas though."
-
"Do you remember that day AJ?" Vinhorian asked.
"It's hard not to." AJ replied as he pried his eyes away from the scene playing out in front of him. A part of him felt a little weird. He was actually beginning to feel at ease with this whole twilight zone thing. It was like watching a movie really, only that this time, it was about them.
"Why is that?" AJ's gaze dropped on Howie and found him already looking back at him.
That same 'caught in the middle' look still pasted on his face. He was sorry that they were about to learn a part of Howie that he wanted to keep personal, besides, they knew what respecting one's privacy is all about. But somewhere deep within him, AJ knew he wanted to know this secret, as much as they had wanted to know what was really going on in his head when he and alcohol were buddies.
"We never made it to the club. We came back from the market and Howie got a phone call from God knows who and then told me that he had to go. I never really got the chance to ask him why."
Howie sighed, knowing he couldn't escape it anymore. Oh well, here goes nothing, he thought silently. "Well, you can stop wondering since I'm very sure you'll find out why right now. Unless, Vin wants us to hold hands and make it another cliffy." Howie said, smiling sarcastically at Vinhorian. He thought he saw him blush but he couldn't be too sure.
"No...we're not."
"Okay then, just making sure." Howie smiled and turned back to watch as the scene changed. He was in the guest room alone, after excusing himself from AJ who was too busy organising his groceries in the kitchen.
-
"Hey Anna." Howie answered the call nervously. "Don't hey me Howard! Why aren't you here with us right now?"
Howie found himself pacing back and forth, his eyes darting from one corner to another, probably searching for something that he could look at and calm himself down. His fingers started combing back his hair, forgetting that he had it tied up neatly. A lie will lead to another one and then another one, it will never go away.
"We're still wrapping things up Anna, I thought I told you that already."
"Oh yeah? So you're in New York right now?"
"Yeah."
His sister scoffed and Howie felt himself tense. When she scoffs, it means that she knew more than she was letting someone on to believe. "Then how come I saw you and AJ at the supermarket just now?"
The pacing stopped immediately. His eyes fixated on a framed picture of the five of them propped on a display board. There was another man in the picture and they were all surrounding him, everyone was smiling. He hated that picture now. He hated that man.
"Running away is not going to solve anything D. You're not the only one who has to face this you know, we all do."
"I need some time Anna...I can't go back now."
"Time for what? She's dead Howie, face it! How could you be so selfish huh? Do you know how much mom and dad are hurting right now? Do you know how difficult this is for them? Multiply whatever you're feeling right now to a million Howie, that's how they are. And you not coming is not helping at all. God, I just wish you had the guts to at least show up!"
"Anna, I'm sorry...I"
"What about AJ? Didn't he ask you why you weren't with your family today? Or did he forget about the anniversary? How can he even forget in first place?"
"Anna, it's not his fault, don't bring him into this."
"Fine, whatever. Everyone's here already by the way, I'll just say Uncle Howie is busy when Caroline's kids ask for you."
The slamming of the phone on the other line almost deafened him. He shoved the cell phone back into his pocket furiously, his eyes once again darted wildly around the guest room, then came to rest where the same picture had stood on the board.
His breathing became laboured, he knew he was going to lose his temper any moment then. He could feel it surge inside him, flowing in his veins and stopping right at the fingertips. The uncontrolled savage emotion that holds old grudges and bruises that had never healed, waiting to come out.
He approached the display board with long strides, picked up the framed picture and swinging it across the room. It came into contact with the wall and broke. Glass littered the marbled tiled floor, the wooden frame left broken, leaving splinters everywhere. For a moment, he forgot where he was.
If they had a manager who was at least half a human as he was, he would have been able to make it in time to say goodbye to his sister. He would have been able to tell her how much he loved her and put her mind at ease as she breathed her last. She could have passed on knowing that each and everyone of her family was there to see her go. She wouldn't be thinking instead that her brother Howie was out, earning his fame.
"D, you okay bro?" AJ's voice was filled with shock and a tinge of fear. He had never seen Howie lose his temper that bad before. At least not enough for him to start throwing framed pictures across the floor, especially if it didn't belong to him in the first place.
"I...I have to go AJ...I'm sorry about the mess...I'll replace it with a new one okay?"
"D, wait up, what's wrong?"
Howie didn't know how he did it then, but AJ couldn't stop him if his life had depended on it. He was in his car turning the ignition when AJ finally caught up, gasping as he did so.
"D, come on, what's wrong?"
"I'll call you okay? I'm sorry but I got to go now."
The last thing AJ saw was the car, with its protested squeals, speeding out of his compound and into the open road, leaving behind tire tracks and a handful of questions that he would later drown with shots of tequila.
No, AJ wasn't the only one heading towards self-destruction.
-
Ever since rehab, AJ realised how messed up his life had been. He remembered during the Black & Blue Tour, when they could hardly make a decent clearing for the Backstreet Boys to walk out of the bus and into the hotel room, he had looked right into the lens of a camera and said 'If you can't handle the pressure, don't even think about doing this'.
It was not until recently that he realised, he was doing the opposite of what he preached.
But it was at that exact moment, looking back how he had been left on the front porch of his house feeling lost at what just happened, that AJ understood entirely how messed up he was. He wondered if he had even been a good friend to begin with. Too consumed with letting alcohol and fame rule his life that he had not even a tiny space in his brain to store up that simple date where it all mattered to his best friend.
"D, I'm so sorry. I should have-"
"AJ, I told you it's not your fault." Howie cut in, sounding exasperated. "You didn't tell me not to go back home."
"But I was the excuse for you not to in the first place." AJ argued. "And no matter what, we're all friends, we should remember these things, it's just a simple fact of life...like, you can't forget your best friend's birthday cause those things are like permanently stored in your brain or something."
"Bone, don't beat yourself up about it okay? Things happen bro." Kevin consoled as he approached the famously tattooed man. "Besides, it's not like you didn't make up for it. You went to most of the DLF events."
AJ shook his head, frustrated that they didn't seem to understand what he was getting at. "I know, but that was the first anniversary! It's the most difficult! I know okay, because that's exactly how I feel about my grandmother. And I remember D, you were there for me. You called me to ask how I was holding up. See, you remembered, I didn't."
"That's because I've been where you were then, I had the experience, you didn't." Howie reasoned.
"Guys, I'm sorry, but I don't think this matters anymore. Look at us now," Nick said, receiving dead stares from all of them except for Vinhorian.
"Okay, so we're in a freaking twilight zone thingy, I meant, look at us after that. Howie set up DLF, turn something negative into positive, and J, you were there for him all the time. Everything turns out good right?"
"Yeah Boner, besides, you're not the only one who didn't remember, I didn't either." Brian confessed.
AJ's eyes widened. THE Brian Littrell forgot about such a thing? Now he was sure that they were in twilight. "You forgot?"
Brian nodded sheepishly. "And Nicky didn't either," Howie added, smiling at Nick. "Only Kevin called."
Vinhorian decided that they had enough discussion and it was time for him to step in and help out. "And just like Howie is to you AJ, Kevin called because he had went through what Howie was going through to understand."
Kevin nodded. "Yeah...I was as lost as Howie was when my father passed away. It's hard not to remember."
"You forgot because that's the way you handle things that you don't like, you ignore them." Vinhorian explained. "Just like the day when Brian was to go for that heart surgery, the entire time while he was in there, you pretended that you were seeing Management, not in a hospital. And every time you thought of him, you told yourself that he was in a meeting and the boss was very upset with him."
Brian chuckled. "Nice thoughts J. Not so tough I see." AJ rolled his eyes.
"And the same goes for Howie. You remember how distraught he was when he came back after the funeral and you hated it. You wanted the old Howie back but you didn't know how to. So you pretended that he was just having a bad day, that none of those bad things happened."
Howie smiled, he understood that feeling very well. "It's not wrong to feel that way J. You know how she used to live in Carolina and the entire family is back here in Florida, so we hardly got to see each other anyway. And when that feeling came to haunt me while we were busy with touring, I always pretended that she was still there, not gone, just far away, as always. The only difference is I can't make a phone call to make things better anymore cause I know she won't be picking up the phone."
Brian scratched his head and cleared his throat. He looked uncomfortable, as if something had been troubling him. "If it makes you feel any better, I'm a worse friend than you."
AJ raised an eyebrow, this, he had to listen. "Yeah?"
Brian nodded. "I totally forgot about Caroline's anniversary because I was too content being a married man. When I finally remembered, it was too late."
"But you made it a point to remember the rest of the anniversaries after that." Vinhorian said. "You felt so guilty about it that you put it on your reminder in your note book, in your cell phone and you even marked it on all the calendars you had."
"And I appreciate that, besides, you can't blame yourself for being happy Brian. For the love of God, don't ever feel bad for being happy just because some of us don't. Whatever happiness you have, you deserve it." Howie smiled. "And Nick, thanks to you too."
Nick frowned. "What did I do? I didn't call you up too you know. And I have no reason whatsoever."
"Oh but you do, and Howie knows this." Vinhorian said. "While AJ likes to push negative thoughts away and not deal with it, you dwell on it." If there was one thing that Nick hated, it was having someone else telling him back to his face, the things he would like to keep hidden. But he knew he couldn't help it, he had agreed to do this and now, they were about to find out a little bit more about their 'little' brother.
"You remembered but you didn't call." Vinhorian said.
Nick lowered his gaze, unsure who he should look at and not feel like as if he was being violated. "I've never had anyone close to me pass away...the closest I've had to experience something so scary was Brian's surgery...I'm sorry...I shouldn't have thought that way, I mean, it's about you and how I should be there for you, but I just couldn't find it in me to make that call."
"You felt like an intruder." Vinhorian said.
Nick nodded. "Yeah...I did't want to call and rake up the bad memories."
"But that's not all is it Nick?" Vinhorian said. "You had your own demons to settle."
Nick's head bolted right up, as if Vinhorian's words had hit a nerve. It didn't go unnoticed for the rest of them.
"I believe we're talking about Howie here." Nick said, clearly hinting to the stranger that he didn't want it to be discussed, yet.
Surprisingly, Vinhorian nodded. "Yes, it's true. We will have to talk about that soon."
"Talk about what?" Brian asked.
"Nick's secrets." Vinhorian replied. "Just like we will talk about yours and Kevin's."
AJ sighed. If they were always in some kind of depression or trouble, when was it that they were truly happy? All those time when everyone else was looking at them and saying that they were on top of the world, were they even there to begin with?
Kevin started to rub his cheeks with his palms, he felt the aches that were slowly developing on his legs and on his back. He remembered what Vinhorian had reminded them before they started this journey. The further they dwell into it, the further they would be to reality. He wondered if anyone had found them and got them help, because as much as this trip to the other world was enlightening and helpful, he wanted to come out of it alive and well. He wanted to wake up and find the rest of them with him, ready to go make right what was done wrong.
"So the way I see it, we ended Millennium Tour, had a two month break in which Howie was forced to face his demons, AJ was getting worse, Brian was happy, Nick was living with his girlfriend whom he thought he loved and I was-"
"You're about to get your heart broken in every imaginable way possible."
