"So I left the body in the trunk, and everyone's like, "ew, what's that smell?"
- Wayne
"Everybody was KUNG FU FIGHTING!" "Its the kung fu hamster!"-the kfh
"I wish we could breathe water."
- Jay
"Dude, we can. Try it."
- Derek
"Look I'm in college so I can sit like this." "Look, I'm in college so I can ignore all my friends!" "Look, I'm Cheryl, I can be annoying!"-Cheryl and someone at cafe.
"The difference between a dating relationship & a romantic relationship and coke & diet coke is nooo SUGAR!"
- Pat
"The use of steriods in this play has greatly influenced... the production of this play..."
- Alex C
"Snowboarding is for people who aren't coordinated enough to control two pieces of wood"
- Foley
"Ok you know something? This is whole thing is just stupid! I mean, whenever people think 'Pearl Harbor' they automatically think 'Japanese'. Why don't they ever go after the Italians? Why didn't we just go to Italy and destroy them? Its their fault-" "Dude, are you half-retarded or something? What did you mom put in your orange juice this morning?" "What? Why?" "He was kidding you retard!"-- Josh and Justin after Mr Pease made an offhand comment about the Italians attacking us at Pearl Harbor. He was just kidding, folks.
"We're consistant. We're bad here and we're bad there."
- Sam on sitting on the couch
"As long as we have idiots with white pillow cases on their heads, the country will be O.K.K.K."-Segit. no he's not racist...
"Did anyone here know that Mixon was a quaker?"-Bridey, researching
"Once, I saw that kid (segit)with an axe, and it scared me..."-Ciara
"I had good thoughts, but then they left... so now I hang out with you!"-Ciara
"What's more important, your grade, or some waffles?
- Alex S.
"Waffles."
- J. Andrew
"God is way better than pancakes!"-- Alex, age 10
"You sound like the chanting of the undead coming for me."
- Mr. Beal
"Your generation has failed us and that's why we're just sitting here!"
- Heather
"Guys, I just want you to know, when you get porn sent to you, don't bother. Its usually not even porn!" "And how would you know this?" "Well, I checked some of it. It just said 'I'm a college girl click here ot see me naked. So I did and it wasn't even real!" "So you look at porn to what, filter?" "Yeah- I mean, no- I mean- SHUT UP!" -Midget and Bridey
"Roses are red- but they can be other colors. Viloets aren't blue, they're violet, hence the name violet. Sugar really is sweet, but I've never tasted you so I can't compare... yet. Thats really not a pickup line! Why do people always think my poetry is a pickup?" -Jeremy Shaw at our "poetry reading"
"You're pretty sharp, you might get outta here in... six or seven years..." -Foley, talking to Jamie about high school.
"brb I have to paint my nails."-Kevin...?
"Yeah but at least he didn't own his own sparkle nail polish... he just used mine..."-Bridey
"Yeah, but that's like saying we can't wear pants."
- Dan B, probably on a dress-code issue
"Love is a friendship caught on fire. -- Northern Exposure
"Men cry. Real men admit they cry."
- Jesse
"Ask the drunk why his peach juice is delirious."-Courtney
"If you kick the vending machine, you get free gum."
- Justin T
"I don't get along with many people... I just kinda tolerate alot of them.Like... Ian"
"I would love to tolerate Ian!" -Ciara and Me :-)
"Yeah, he's dumb as rocks. But Mark is so much dumber than him- its scary. Wait, I just said Mark was dumber than a rock, didn't I?"-Ciara
"We are the Destiny's Child of Liverpool! Bring on the- um... penguins..." -Mary, Ciara and I
"How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?" -Anyone who ever spoke to J Drew
"Bad weather is God's way of saying, 'take the day off.'"
"No! Stop! No more talking! That is where I draw the line! See this? This is me drawing the line!"-Brad during a male discussion of feminine products
"A real leader faces the music, even when he doesn't like the tune."
"Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up."
"Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh."
"Get thee down. Be thou funky."
"The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bureau]."
"In case of nuclear war, prayer in schools will be okay."
"I prefer syrup!"- Tossed salad man
"I am not deliciously saucy"
- Bart Simpson
- Monty Python
"Scattered showers my foot..."
- Noah
"Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary"
"Does the noise in my head bother you?"
- Me during silent study
"You don't actually have to be able to understand the lyrics, you've just got to feel like you could if you wanted to"
- Chuck Plotkin (Producer for Bruce Springsteen)
"I wish I had a kilt. Those things are cool."-Jason
These quotes are by Emo Philips
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them."
"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."
"You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back."
"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."
"I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."
"I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something..."
"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."
"People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..."
"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."
"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."
"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."
"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
"I'm a great lover, I'll bet."
These are by Spike Milligan
"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."
"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."
"You silly twisted boy."
"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it ."
"I'm the perpetual optimist, unfortunately."
- Ed Doyle
"So part of being omnipotent means that you get broadband?" -Ciara
"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."
- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo."
- H. G. Wells (1866-1946)
"I'm a married spud, I'm a married spud!" -Mr potatohead, TS2
"Whats the difference between a gorilla and a hippie? Throw it a banana. If it eats it, its a gorilla. If it smokes it, its a hippie!"-The Rev (To which I say, I have NEVER smoked something like that...)
"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance."
- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe."
- H. G. Wells (1866-1946)
