A Chosen Grief, A Birthmother's Story Life is made of many experiences and events that make up who we ultimately become. This is the story of one of the most significant experiences in my life. I grew up in a Christian family. My parents are very much in love still today. I had 2 sisters: Katie and Jennifer and a dog (Dee O Gee).
When I was 7 years old, we found out that my sister, Katie, had a type of cancer called Philadelphia Chromosome Positive Leukemia. For the next four years I spent my life being tossed around from relative to relative, and friend to friend. I never knew who would be picking me up from school or who I would be staying with that night. It wasn't my parent's fault. Katie needed them and they had to be with her. Even though they couldn't help it, I still felt like I was deprived of their attention. I felt like I had to grow up faster than everyone else. The day of my 12th birthday, I found out that Katie wasn't going to make it. My family had been told many times before that Katie would pass away in the next few days, but months would pass, and she was still there breathing and being her usual crazy self. But this time I knew it was different. I chose not to go to the hospital, mainly because I was scared. I had never really dealt with death before, and it was scary. Plus I didn't want to remember Katie with tubes coming out of her. She died late that night.
I still don't think till this day that I have actually started to deal with her death. I have always held in all of my emotions. My parents tried to send me to a counselor, but I still wouldn't express any feelings. I think that is what started me down the wrong path, all of my anger and frustration and everything that I have been holding in for years just came out one day. And that brings me to when I was 17.
I had been going through a rough time in my life. I was so concerned about being popular and I wanted everyone to like me. I was rebellious and I was confused about what I wanted out of life. Me and my parents were not communicating well at all and I was going through a depression. Johnny was the only person I felt like understood and cared about me, so I made the rash decision to move in with him.
Things started to go downhill real fast. My parents weren't there to make me do anything anymore, so I didn't do anything. I had no money, no job, and no stable home. No one could understand what was happening with me, I don't even know. I went from being a straight "A" student, a very active member in my church, having a whole lot of friends; to quitting school, I stopped going to church, and I lost most of my friends in the process.
I knew I was pregnant before I even took the test. When it showed positive, so many emotions flooded me. I was scared, excited, sad, and mad at myself. I was excited because I was having my child but I was sad because I knew I would not be able to give him the kind of life he needs and deserves. I was so scared! I didn't know what was to become of me or my baby. I ended up just ignoring the fact that I was pregnant because I didn't really want to face it. I was 17 years old and I wasn't ready to be a mother. There was no way that I would be able to take care of a baby; I couldn't even take care of myself. At the beginning, me and Johnny thought the best thing to do would be for me to get an abortion. I have always been completely against abortion, but I was so scared I didn't know what to do. I quickly realized that there was no way I would ever be able to do that.
Three months went by, and I finally started to come back to my senses. I asked my parents if I could come back home. They decided that I could, but we were going to have to make a lot of changes.
A few more weeks went by and I was starting to show. I knew that I was going to have to start making some major decisions, but first I was going to have to tell my parents. I still remember the night I told my mom. I paced in the living room for at least an hour before I got the strength to go in her room and tell her. She already knew I was pregnant(you know how mothers always know everything!) She was hurt, but she said that whatever I decided to do, she would be supportive. My mom told my dad (there is no way I would have ever gotten the nerve to tell him) And, he was just as hurt, but he didn't condemn me. He was going to be there for me no matter what.
I had been thinking about it for awhile, and I knew that I was not ready to be mother at all. I started thinking about adoption. This baby was meant to come into this world, and as hard as it was for me to accept, I wasn't the one who was supposed to raise him. This miracle was meant for someone else. At the beginning, Johnny was totally against it. He didn't want anyone else to raise his son. He wanted to raise him. It started a lot of conflict. He said he was ready. But I wasn't. But soon, he decided that it was the right thing, no matter how much we wanted to keep him and raise him ourselves. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make! I didn't want my son to have to pay for my mistakes. My aunt, who was the director at a Crisis Pregnancy Center, had some information about this Christian Adoption Agency. She called one of the ladies and scheduled a meeting. When I met with her, we started going over all the basic information, like my background and things like that. But once we got that out of the way, we started to look for the right family. I knew right away what I wanted in the family. I looked through numerous profiles, and it just seemed like it was hopeless. I didn't want to compromise what I wanted in the family, but it seemed like I was going to have to. One day, the agency called, and by "coincidence" they came across a family. They had everything I wanted and more. Right when I heard about them, I knew that they were the ones.
On November 15, I had a doctor's appointment. It was just supposed to be a regular check-up. I was due the following day, and I didn't think I would be delivering for awhile. Matthew was still so high up. But they had a different thing in mind. My doctor told me that I had pre-eclampsia, and that it would be good if they started to induce me that night. She checked me and told me that I was already 3 centimeters anyway (which I found surprising since I had not felt anything at all). I was so SCARED! I kept telling myself that I wasn't ready. Mostly because I don't deal with pain very well. And I was scared about meeting Matthew. What if I saw him, and realized that there was no way I could give him up? Or what if I did give him to the a-parents, would I be able to handle the pain? What if something went wrong? What if he is sick or worse? There were so many worries and questions going through my mind.
The next morning they started me on pitocin. I was starting to get real scared, and excited. I got to four centimeters, and they decided it was time to break my water, and give me something for the pain. My water broke right as she was about to break it herself. Then I heard her say hmmm, and it was an uh-oh type hmmm. She said she thought she felt a foot, she didn't know if it was a foot or a hand. They gave me an ultrasound and saw that he was breeched. My heart almost stopped, the last thing I wanted to do was to have a c-section. I was so scared, I was shaking the whole time. Things just started happening really, really fast. Contractions were coming quick, and hard, and by the time they got me to the operating room, I was almost 9 centimeters. They gave me a spinal block, which was a major relief, and less than a minute later, I heard Paul Matthew cry. I cannot even explain how it felt to hear him cry for the first time. I had so many different emotions. Paul was born on November 16, 2001. He weighed 10 lbs., 1 oz!!!
During the hospital stay, I held him and fed him; prayed for him and cried over him. I never thought I would be able to love someone as much as I love him. He is so amazing. On November 19, 2001 it was time to sign the relinquishment papers. That was the hardest thing I have ever done. During the signing, all I felt was numbness. I didn't know what I was feeling. I was in shock for about a month after I signed the papers. I still couldn't believe that I actually gave birth and my baby didn't come home with me. I had all the postpartum hormones to deal with and the grief of losing him.
Me and the a-parents have an open adoption, so I get updates on him often and sometimes an email from them. I cherish every picture and letter I receive from them and wait anxiously for the next update.
Johnny and I are no longer together. He decided that he was not able to commit to me and got another girl pregnant when I was around 5 months pregnant with Paul. He got married to the other woman at the end of 2003 and they now have another child that was born in August of 2004.
I am still missing him like crazy. The pain is still so fresh. I don't think I would be able to make it, if it weren't for my family and friends. They have been so supportive.
Having Paul saved my life. I don't know where I would be if it weren't for him. I have changed so much and have become a stronger person. I now feel like my life is going somewhere. I have never regretted giving him up for adoption. Sometimes I do wonder what it would have been like if I had kept him, but I know that I did the right thing. I know that he is going to have a greater life because of it.
Being a birthmom is a rough road to go down! If you are a birthmom you know exactly what I am talking about. It is HARD, but I wouldn't change anything except that I wish I could have been ready. I wanted to raise him more than anything. But I couldn't, it wouldn't have been fair to him. I don't know if he will ever want to see me or find me, all I can do is pray that he will want to meet me one day. I look forward to that day.
A Loving Choice (written by the Birthfather)
Dedicated to Paul! 
I met Johnny at church, when I was around 13 years old. We became really close real quick. We always just clicked even though we were COMPLETE opposites. I just felt comfortable around him, which is odd for me because I was so shy and talking to guys was a horrifying thing for me. Even though Johnny had stopped going to my church, we still stayed in contact somehow. When I started high school, I ended up in one of his classes. That is when we really started to get close. He started calling me and we started to just hang out. He was like a brother to me, I felt like I could tell him anything and he wouldn't judge me, and he would give me advice if I needed it. He was such a good listener. Plus it was good to have a guy's opinion on things. One day, I was on the phone with him, and he told me that he thought he loved me. I was thinking the same thing about him, but I chose not to tell him. I was scared, I had never been in a serious relationship before, and I knew my parents didn't like him. I knew that dating him would come with a lot of conflict with my parents, relatives, and friends. I continued to hang out with him for the next few months, but I couldn't stand it any longer. We decided to start dating in November of 2000. We were both new with the serious relationship thing. I think we were both surprised of how serious we got so quickly.
Time flew by fast. I got huge!!! I figured there must be a future soccer player in me, considering he loved to kick any and every organ surrounding him. I loved to just lay in my bed at night (usually around 3:00 in the morning :o) and watch him move. I cannot even express the way it feels to know that you have made life and he is living inside of you. I couldn't wait to see who he would look like. 
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