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All About Me... WOOOO!!
Useless Knowledge! Everyone needs some!
This site that is only occasionally looked at by myself and a few others for, obviously, Jack Handey purposes, is dedicated to Bruno. Nice thrusting with you, captain. Holy bejesus, we got busted for lesbian PDA by Patty, but hot damn you are a good lesbian. Or straight man. Whatever works. *If I could be a bird, I'd be a flying purple people eater, because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song. *There should be a detective show called 'Johnny Monkey'. That way, every week a criminal could say "I ain't gonna get caught by no monkey," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that. *If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "poppy-oomy." I bet it means something. *I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone elses territory. *When you are riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil. *If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone. *If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. *The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons." *I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. *Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind. *As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. *For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? *To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." *At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw f*** you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill. *I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman. *I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. *I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" *To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. *Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. *If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. *The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. *If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." *As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy! *If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone. *The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. *I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. *Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. *I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. *I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. *If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen." *What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. *He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun. ~~~~~~END~~~~~~~~ (I will add more later!) ~Katie
