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KKAD25 May be changed to: KKAD24 By: Eponymous Attention, recent studies have found that driving 24 miles per hour as opposed to 25 miles per hour could save dozens of innocent children's lives around the world. The study was done by Dr. Inconclusive and Dr. Irrational, Dr. Irrational said she believed it was a good step in the right direction for equal rights. Dr. Inconclusive said not to slow down just yet because these tests are only preliminary and further testing will be needed in order to know for sure how much you need to slow down when kids are around. The study found that when you drive 24 MPH, the percentage of kids who are able to get out of the way went up almost 2 percent. Dr. Irrational said, "We had to kill a lot of kids to learn, but I think in the end it will be worth it, by our calculations, in 60 or 70 years, more kids will have been saved than were killed in the testing." The test cost millions of dollars to conduct, with an entire fake neighborhood and researchers had to buy children from an adoption home, those who survived were given $50 and sent out on their own. Also, the funerals for those who died, although cheap individually, added up with so many deaths. There is a mass grave sight for the dead kids. The other thing that really cost a lot of money was food for the researchers, a buffet 3 times a day every day for 4 months, the kids were told to make their own lunches from food from shelters. Dr. Inconclusive wanted everyone to know however, that it was all being done for the kids sake, and despite the pile of dead babies, people knew it was for a good cause. One 6 year old, Tori Tured, who was maimed by a car driving 25 didn't seem to agree, all Tori would say is "I hate these bastards, I want my 50 bucks so I can go back to the shelter and let the older kids beat me up some more." People everywhere for years have been putting up irritating signs on their front lawns in their suburban neighborhoods saying "Keep Kids Alive Drive 25" in hopes of angering drivers and keeping their unsupervised children safe while they roam about in the middle of the road. One mother of 2 young girls, Anne Oying, said she was appalled when she heard the news. "I just couldn't believe my ears when I heard about it, all this time I thought I was protecting my kids while I watched Oprah, it turns out I have been encouraging people to drive much faster than is necessary. I will alter my signs immediately and then I'll feel safer, safe enough now I think to put up a basketball hoop in the middle of the street!" When asked if she thought that might be a little unsafe, she responded that as long as people drive 24 MPH, everything should be fine. Although Anne was positive it would make a big difference in safety, her neighbor, Cop Killa Jr. who drives a '68 Mustang told us that her children would be dead before the week was out. Also, 54 year old Skip Tical was skeptical of the new study. "I believe it's all a conspiracy against Vietnam vets, and let me tell you, if I see a gook playing in the street I'm sure as shit going to run his little Asian ass over!" We tried to talk to Rob K. Mart, a 17 year old Honda Civic driver, but he was too stoned to have an opinion, and kept trying to show us his new over-sized exhaust system. However, he did inform us that his own mother whom he killed a few years ago had a KKAD25 sign in their front yard while he was growing up. |