Doug

The Legend of the School Bus Squirrel

The Intro:

The legend of the Squirrel is not to be taken lightly or in jest, for it is very real and even more so it is dangerous. To have this knowledge you must be of the responsible type. This infamous legend was brought to the attention of Dr. Goldsmith and I, Dr. Eponymous, many years ago by a brave man who worked with the Squirrels every day, he informed us of the Squirrel and warned us to be very careful when dealing with them, as they are vicious and conniving

creatures. This man's name was Doug, he drove the bus.

The Background:

Although for how long the Salem-Keizer school district has been using these creatures is a mystery, it started for us about 8 years ago. I was maybe 13 and Ben about 2 years older, that's when we started to ride Doug's bus, we were a bit apprehensive as we were having to leave our old bus driver, the legendary Marsha, but that is another story. As it turned out, Doug was almost as cool as Marsha, who let us do just about whatever we felt like, including torturing Dwayne, the partially retarded kid that totally deserved to be picked on (we weren't THAT mean to him). Anyway, I am getting off track, it was Doug who bestowed upon us the knowledge of the Squirrel.

The Legend:

At one point, while Ben and I were sitting behind Doug as he drove us away from that dump they called a school, we asked him what the large box with the latch on it that was connected to the bus was. He hesitated, then, deciding we were responsible enough for the knowledge, informed us that it was where he kept The Squirrel. Now, being the normal kids that we were, we certainly were not expecting to hear that, we laughed at him and asked him what was really in there. He shook his head and said in a serious voice not to laugh, and that there really was a squirrel down there. We looked at each other skeptically, not really believing this man. Doug told us, The Squirrels are what powers the buses, although buses used to be run by regular motors just like most vehicles, the school found a new way to do things, and decided it would be cheaper and better for the environment if they could simply use a squirrel. Now, obviously the kind of squirrels you see sunning their nuts in Bush Park in the summer time would not be able to produce the kind of power it takes to run a school bus filled with bratty little kids. So the school set about breeding a new kind of squirrel, a squirrel the likes of which the world has never seen, a squirrel that was powerful, powerful enough to be feared. Soon, the educational systems' best idea ever was put to work. These large,

ferocious squirrels were bred and trained to do the work of 400 horses, they were put into large steel Hamster Wheels, basically circular cages in which they would run around in like a hamster or gerbil does for exercise. Most of these squirrels you would barely recognize as a

familiar animal. Their teeth, which naturally are more like sharks teeth than squirrels teeth, are shaved and rounded down for safety, but not until they have reached full size, because these

squirrels are meat eaters, they must be in order to become as strong as they are. Most squirrels will lose their long bushy tails after a few weeks of running in the wheels, because it's very easy for them to get them caught in the gears, and they are ripped off quickly. The Squirrels live a hard and bitter life, so needless to say they are terrible and mean creatures, one could go so far as to call them monsters. Being as they are so aggressive and brutal, Doug never let us view The Squirrel, for fear it would escape.

What if:

Naturally, one of the many questions we asked our wise bus driver Doug, was what if the Squirrel got out? Doug told us, in these incredibly wise words: "It would unleash terror on the city of Salem" Now, we all know, that the damage would be much more widespread than that. What would probably happen, is this devious creature would find where they keep the other Squirrels, and he would free them, and they would mate and breed. Salem would only

be the first to go. If the Squirrels ever do truly escape, the consequences may be more than we can imagine. The destruction of the free world, the end of modern mans civilization, perhaps even the end of the human race. If you don't believe this, just ask yourself if you could pull around a full size school bus filled with kids day after day? I didn't think so, try facing an army of monsters that can, and are just as smart as most humans. It has been documented that the Squirrels can communicate to each other, in ways much too sophisticated for our smartest scientists to understand. As I said earlier, do NOT take this story lightly, it is ALL true,

none of it is made up. Doug said so.