These lists are very popular in magazines, but they usually list things you should have done before 30. So what we’ve decided to do is compile a list of things you should NOT do before 30. Now, if you have done 15 or more of the below things and survived, then please don’t get in touch. We scare easy.

• Commit suicide
• Attempt to remove your own appendix with a potato peeler.
• Give somebody the kiss of life in a restaurant who doesn’t need or want it
• Join a religious sect
• See if your goldfish can live in lager
• see if you can live in lager
• apply for a job as a traffic warden
• Save for a rainy day
• threaten a police man with a plastic machine gun in Miami for a laugh
• suck fog through a sock
• base your life on aromatherapy
• watch afternoon TV
• impersonate bacon frying at parties
• do graffiti on the back of a hell’s angels jacket, while he’s wearing it
• sellotape a drunken friend to the ceiling
• see how much you can keep in your head by pushing stuff into your ears
• learn to play a harmonica with your nose
• gargle with Swarfega
• attempt to fix your TV by sticking a coat hanger in the back while it’s turned on
• tell people about your belly button fluff collection
• eat tofu
• do an open-mike spot in a comedy club with improvised material from the previous act
• play poker with someone called ‘The Professor’
• stick your face in a blender
• stick your face TO a blender
• vote for a political party you think has all the answers
• go on a fun run
• fill your best mates shoes with very old yogurt
• inject bean curd into your eyes
• stick your tongue in a mains socket for a bet
• Forget to turn up for a date with Brad Pitt or if your a boy Claudia Schiffer
• sing karaoke
• have your teeth pieced
• retire
• buy some drugs in a club toilet from a guy called ‘Stretch’
• put on a fake Swedish accent when visiting the dentist
• pant really hard but look relaxed when waiting in line at the post office
• learn to play bagpipes
• encourage any offspring to take up drumming
• staple yourself to a bus
• think people are interested I your dreams
• take up dribbling as a hobby
• stand on the central reservation of the M1 and spin until you’re too dizzy to stand up
• buy a car from anyone called Big Vinnie
• have ‘Made In England’ tattooed on your forehead
• sell BOTH your kidneys
• leave school before puberty
• join a street gang in South Central LA
• have lipo-suction on your head
• become a social worker
• rely on trains
• get really fat
• get really thin
• send a chain letter to 10 friends
• give your home away and go live in a yurt in Wales
• find yourself subconsciously ‘spotting’ a train next time your at a station
• give up
• wear something you wore 8 years ago because its a little like something that’s in fashion at the moment
• smear your ankles with butter and do a sponsored, barefoot bungee jump
• try to ride a bike with your right hand on the left handgrip
• win a Blue Peter badge … and wear it
• gather all your friends in a room, announce you’ve won the lottery and that you wont be speaking to them any more because they’re all scum
• decide that riding a unicycle is the coolest thing in the world
• attempt to eat a live walrus
• learn to juggle in order to amuse people and be popular at parties
• try to chat up someone across a crowded room by blinking obscenities in Morse code
• go out with someone who has more problems than you
• actually swallow the purple pill that guy called Stretch sold you
• win a gurning competition just by standing in the audience
• play air guitar
• go white-water rafting on an inflatable banana and never come back
• go on holiday with someone in the attempt to patch up a romance
• try a fat only diet for 6 months and die of grease
• give up your career in order to gain Ph.D. n Welsh
• discover you know all the words to ‘American Pie’
• believe an election promise
• try to potty train your cat
• go to a boxing club in a pink tracksuit and pretend to be Anneka Rice
• tell everyone that Liverpool football club asked you to be their new striker but you couldn’t be bothered
• see how long you can leave the gas cooker on before lighting it safely
• get married before you’ve found someone you like
• try to chat someone up in a James Cagney voice
• sit down to reflect on your greatest achievement to date and discover it was learning to blow your own nose
• convince yourself that your best friend wont mind if you only sleep with his/her girl/boyfriend the once
• drain all the blood out of your body just to see how it feels
• ask your bank manager for a loan in a lime green chicken suit
• spill your gut on an Oprah Winfrey-type show
• actually believe that the title ‘Financial Advisor’ isn’t a euphemism for ‘Insurance Salesman’
• Give up
• Lose hope
• go on voodoo mansion
• choke a small dog with it's intestines
• slap the president
• post yourself a letter bomb
• destroy the universe
• believe you can make a difference
• drink hydrochloric acid for a bet
• look like your 40
• feel like your 40
• read this