How to Be Really Annoying

Danger: Below is the perfect recipe for loneliness and, in extreme cases, death!

• Reply to everything someone says with ‘That’s what you think’
• Lend your car to a mate and then report it stolen
• Write ‘X equals buried treasure’ all over someones’ road map
• Finish everything you say with ‘according to the prophecy’
• Always pay for everything in 5 pence pieces, even if your not in Britain
• Phone your local tabloid newspaper and make an appointment to show them photos of their editor in bed with 2 transvestites. Phone back soon after and cancel saying you’ve accepted a very generous offer from their main rivals.
• If your doing a presentation to important clients occasionally bob your head like a parakeet
• If you know any fitness freaks tell them their look ill and tired every time you see them
• Stand on the pavement pointing a hair-dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Go to a public demonstration of faith healing, get up on stage and tell the guy your deaf. When he lays on the hands to heal you scream and blunder saying you’ve gone blind too. If he grabs you again, collapse and say you’ve lost the use of your legs.
• During learned lecture occasionally snigger and mutter ‘Yeah, right’ in a sarcastic tone
• Every time someone tells a joke say ‘Oh, not that old chestnut’
• If you’re on a jury, catch the defendant’s eye, grin and draw your finger across your throat.
• If someone calls you by mistake, have a long and involved discussion with them about the person they asked for and tell them how worried you are about their ‘little problem’ and how you hope you can keep the police out of it. If the caller thinks you’re a restaurant and wants to order a takeaway, take the order.
• When you’re on holiday introduce yourself to the most obnoxious family you can find, using the name of someone you hate. Give them this person’s address and tell them they can come and stay for as long as they want.
• Go to a classy restaurant and order a rare steak. When it arrives, send it back and ask them to cook it just a little more. Do this about 13 times until you can finally demand to see the manager and ask him how on earth he expects you to eat such an appalling lump of charcoal.
• Anytime anyone coughs, no matter how slightly, grab them and insist on performing the Heimlich manoeuvre for at least 5 minutes, no matter how much they protest
• If you meet a fascist bigot who goes on and on about the homeless, and how they should pull themselves together and get jobs, simply burn his house down while he’s playing golf and see how he likes it.
• When no one’s looking, move the throwing line back a foot in a serious darts pub. Then, sit back and take the Mickey out of all the players for being so useless. (Tip: wear dart proof clothes)
• Stand behind a crowd of people playing one of those trivia machines in a pub and shout out all the wrong answers in a very insistent voice
• Sit on a bus or train with a lighter in your hand and a cigarette in your mouth and see how many people you can get to point out the NO SMOKING signs while you point out that your not, in fact, smoking.
• Stand on a zebra crossing and when a car stops walk away.
• Lend a neighbour your lawn mower, then, 2 weeks after he’s returned it ask for it back repeatedly. If he sees you using it, insist that you lent him your spare one and keep demanding that he return it.
• If someone you know greets you in the street pretend not to know them and threaten to call the police if they don’t leave you alone
• Shame a whole load of cowardly friends into signing up for a charity parachute jump with you. Then, don’t turn up.
• Win the lottery, buy a beautiful castle and have it stone clad. Well, actually winning the lottery would be enough to annoy most people.
• Make up insulting acronyms for all your friends’ names, and tell them. E.g. PAT could be Pompous Arrogant Tw*t or DEL could be Drives Everyone Loopy. The possibilities are endless!
• Go around knocking on peoples doors asking them if they’re happy with their washing powder.
• Buy one of those watches with a built-in remote control, go round a mates house during the cup final and change the channel overtime it looks like someone might score.
• Keep buying your girlfriend really nice clothes that are one size too small.
• Every time you visit someone’s’ house insist on tuning in their TV and hi-fi ‘properly’, make a complete mess of it then leave.
• Chain-smoke cheap cigars in a vegetarian restaurant.
• Whistle a loud, repetitive, tuneless song anytime you’re in a queue.
• Slip a handful of banana-flavoured condoms into a married friends jacket pocket.
• Insist on drinking large brandies anytime someone gets a round in. just before its your round, go to the toilet for twenty minutes. If you finally have to get them in have half of lager then go back to large brandies.
• Every time someone bends over near you blow a raspberry.
• When someone stops their car at the lights, run over, and smear dirty, slimy soapsuds all over their windscreen spread it around with a filthy sponge and demand payment for the service. If they refuse scream abuse and make obscene gestures with your squeegee.
• announce a petrol strike for the heck of it
• go to a doctor and ask for pills for your night fever