General Advise

• Don’t keep anything radioactive in your pants
• don’t, under any circumstances, put your head in anything that has HEAD REMOVER written on it
• If your girlfriend has her hair done never, ever tell her you liked it better the other way
• don’t have silicon breast implants … unless your a woman
• Don’t head out to sea on a windsurfer until you’ve learnt to turn around
• don’t ever think that a cheap second-hand parachute with a sign saying ‘ONLY USED ONCE’ is a bargain
• never give an Australian your address because he’ll come and live with you for ever
• avoid using the phrase ‘I don’t think you’ve got the nerve to pull that trigger’ when someone is pointing a gun at you.
• Learn to distinguish between liquorice and high-tensile safety rope before going on a space walk
• If you get stuck in a bumper-to-bumper traffic jam, and you want to save money, turn off your engine and let the guy behind push you
• don’t go to a restaurant where the napkins are made of better material than your clothes
• if you ever end up owning a pet shop, teach all the parrots to say ‘I miss my little brother’. You’ll sell a lot more that way.
• If you lend someone a fiver and never see them again, it was worth it.
• don’t go for a haircut when you’re drunk
• if someone steals your car make sure you get their registration number
• if your driving in LA and the smog gets so thick you can’t breath simply crash the car on purpose and suck on the air bag until help arrives
• don’t play Frisbee in a dog pound
• always get married in the morning; that way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t ruined the whole day.
• don’t do what I did and lend a friend £3,000 for plastic surgery. Now I can’t recognize him.
• if you want to find out whether someone is stupid or not, tell them a light year is a year that has 40% less calories than a regular year, if they say ‘really?’, they’re stupid.
• always remember, most kinds of trouble start off as fun.
• at a party, don’t hide in the fridge for a laugh
• don’t force your head into a saucepan and pretend to be a Dalek to amuse a child, they only start laughing when you can’t get it off
• always remember’ beauty’s in the eye of the beholder, but so is ugliness
• if a woman tells another woman that she looks a million, she doesn’t mean dollars she means years
• don’t go scuba diving with a friend who’s greedy, because if your air supply gives out at 90 feet he won’t share
• never let a drunk mate sort your back out by doing something he saw an osteopath do on TV.
• never buy sushi out of a vending machine
• if you hear the toilet flush and a child’s voice going ‘Uh, oh’, it’s already too late.
• never shake an iguana
• don’t test a mains lead with your tongue
• if your going to use and aerosol with anything dodgey in it, it’ll have instructions telling you what to do if you get it in your eyes. Read this BEFORE you use it, because once you’ve got an eye full you won’t be able to see a bloody thing
• if your swimming in a lake in Africa, and two crocodiles grab your arms up to the shoulders, clap your hands together sharply and that should stun them.