Twist: They call me MISTER Tibbs!

Sister: Here at Cannon Fodder, we LOVE Amanda.

Rating: N17

Twist: Is she just teasing us with this again?

Pairings: X/OC, B/G, W/OC, and eventually X/S

Sister : Eventually? I’m not sure that’s good enough.
Twist: We’re needy.

Disclaimer: Joss owns everything but the OC’s I put here and there.

Twist: Isn’t this the EXACT same summary she used for “Bounty Hunter”?
Sister: I’m trying to block that from my memory.

Feedback: Why not!

Twist: Heh heh heh.

This is my first time so be gentle.

Twist: *snickersnort*

This story takes place after season six and has a lot of flash backs so do try to keep up. And I have no beta so all the mistakes are mine sorry!

Sister: You’d BETTER be sorry.
Twist: Every day of her life, I bet.

ENJOY!!!

Twist: Uh...no.

Part 1

“Mr. Harris”

Sister : She remembers the title! Good for her!
Twist : But apparently punctuation is over-rated

“Yes Lisa”

Sister: As in Lisa Simpson?
Twist: Shut up.
Sister: Think of who you’re talking to, here.

“What can I help you with?” said Xander Harris as he bent down to eye level with the little six year old.

“Can you tie my shoe?” “My mommy showed me but I forgot.”

Twist: From none to a plethora.
Sister: Is this two separate people talking?
Twist: Maybe L’il Lisa has Multiple Personality Disorder?

“That’s ok Lisa I’m the best shoe tier on the play ground.”

Sister: (Xander) I’m SOOOO proud and they gave me a medal and a ceremony and my name was in the paper and they let me ride in a parade and they said I was the most famousest person in the WORLD and chicks throw themselves at me when I tell them!!
Twist: What is WRONG with you??

Lisa giggles and bends her head down to her shoe to watch her kindergarten teacher Mr. Harris tie her shoe.

Twist: NO! NO! AAAAAH!
Sister: Having flashbacks?
Twist: NO WAY would he survive as a kindergarten teacher! They’d eat him alive!
Sister: Take your meds, you got a new job, remember?
Twist: *rocking back and forth* Cool water, green trees, blue sky... Cool water, green trees, blue sky...

“Thank you Mr. Harris.”

“Anytime Lisa, now run along and go find Cassie and Mandy.” “They are waiting for you by the swings.”

Twist : Aparently L’il Lisa isn’t the only one with multiple personalities.

Xander stands up with a smile on his face and thinks how much he loves his job.

Twist: (Xander) I get off work, and it’s time for Happy Hour!
Sister: (Xander) And I also love watching little girls.
Twist: You’re sick.
Sister: I learned from the best.

Watching all the kids run around the playground laughing and yelling. It reminds him when Willow, Jesse, and him where that age and how they were inseperatible.

Twist: And here’s where that beta would have come in handy.
Sister : How they were what?
Twist : Inseperatible. It means they glued their asses to tables a lot.

God, he missed Jesse, wishing he could see him now.

Twist: (Xander) I also like looking at rotting human corpses.

It was a hard five years to get here and it took a lot of hard work but he did it. He went to college and earned his degree in education so he could be a teacher.

Twist: First you get a degree in Liberal Science with a BCLAD Emphasis. Then you get a Multiple Subject credential with BCLAD emphasis. After about forty’leven dozen exams and 1000 dollars worth of fingerprints and medical tests, THEN you are a teacher. Which takes about SEVEN years, since he can’t afford private schools.
Sister: Calm down. Damn California educator.
Twist: He should have just become a contract killer.
Sister: Yeah. Money’s better.

After Willow tried to end the world and Tara was killed, they tried to put their lives back together. They just simply went back to just living, the best they know how. For Xander that was to do something with his life because he knew that no matter what life has in its cards for you; you just have to play with the cards that were handed to you and either ante up or fold and he was not going to fold no more.

Twist: (sings)You gotta know when to walk away, and know when to run...
Sister : I….I….
Twist : Ignore the bad grammar.
Sister : I CAN’T!
Twist : Would it help if you thought about the long-running, really bad poker metaphor?
Sister : Probably not.
Twist: I’ll just sing some more, then. *sings* You never count your money, when you’re sitting at the table, there’ll be time enough for counting, when the evening’s done…

As for Willow; she graduated from college and she is now also a teacher at the local high school teaching computers. She had a long road to travel to get there also but with Giles help and that of a psychologist. She over came her addiction of magic and now can control it.

Sister : I can’t decide which is worse. Her run-on sentence compulsion or her sentence fragment compulsion.

Well if her psychologist wasn’t a cute guy by the name of Trent Payton, and after two years of dating he popped the question to Willow to be his wife, yep that helped her.

Twist: Gotta love professional ethics.
Sister: Isn’t Willow gay?
Twist: It’s called “suspension of disbelief”... or Exodus Ministries.

Giles and Buffy went back to England to see the Watchers counsel and they are both reinstated as watcher and slayer with full pay and benefits.

Sister : Didn’t they do that before even Glory?
Twist : Well, it’s like renewing your vows.

They stay out of Buffys way and she lets them in on some of what goes on in Sunnydale. Not all of it because that is just “wrong”. And the first thing to not tell the counsel, is that Rupert Giles is your husband, father of your daughter, Emily Joyce and watcher, I think they might get a bit up tight about that and try to get her a new watcher or make the checks stop coming and well having a year old little girl to clothe and fed that takes money and with Dawn now in college in Los Angeles they need all they can get.

Sister : BREATHE! BREATHE! USE A FRICKIN PERIOD!!
Twist : And the winner, in the Which is Worse competition is.... RUN-ON-SENTENCES!!! Hurrah!
Sister : *blubbering mess*

Yep life on the Hellmouth has finally started to look up for the scoobies.

Sister: But not for us.
Twist: Wait for it... wait for it...

Well until the new bad of the year shows up!!! And this one is not going to let them win!! (Evil laugh)

Twist: Uh... yeah. That was believable.
Sister : Oh, Good Lord. THIS is how you end a chapter? Kill me.
Twist : No, because then there’d be no one left to kill me.
Sister : Damn.

Part 2

Sister : You mean there’s more?
Twist : Damn

Xander walks to his car at the end of the school day with his brief case in one hand and his truck keys in the other.

Twist: It’s HAPPY HOUR!
Sister: *smap* Quiet, you!

Gets in and throws his brief case in the seat next to him and leans up to turn on the radio as he pulls out of the parking spot listening to a local station playing the top hits. He sighs and runs his hand through is hair trying to get to Giles and Buffys in time for supper and a scoobie meeting. Oh and then a quick patrol oh joy! joy!

Twist: Oh God! God! Yes! Right there! Yes! Yes! Yes! *sighs* Want a cigarette?
Sister: Again with the random sex scene!

When he arrives at Buffys he parks behind Willows car and climbs out feeling tired and dragged out. He lets out another sigh and thinks to him self oh man I haven’t even went on patrol yet.

Sister : You mean you haven’t GONE on patrol yet.

He reaches the door to have it swung open with a pissed off slayer.

Twist: Tis better to be pissed off than to be pissed on.

“Hey where have you been?” “Dinner is at 4 and it is 4:30!”

Twist: (Buffy) And I slaved away all day over a hot stove!
Sister: Who eats dinner at 4? It’s barely past lunch!

“Sorry I got tied up at the school.” “ A boy in my class got sick at school this afternoon and his mom didn’t come pick him up till 4 and so I stayed till she arrived.”

Sister: Please, if he was molesting the boy, don’t tell me.
Twist : Why would that even pop into your head?

Buffy just gave him smile

Sister : Wasn’t she just pissed off at him?

because she knows that Xander loves the kids that are in his class and he would do anything for them.

Twist: That’s illegal. And wrong. And just gross.

Xander walks in and yells out hellos to everyone.

Both: (dully) Hello.

“Hey Willow how was your day?” “Cuz I got to tell ya those kids are wearing me out and its only October and I’m going to have gray hair before May gets here.”

Twist: Wuss.

Willow just laughs and leans into her husbands embrace.

“Like you don’t love it every minute of every day Xan.” Said Willow.

Xander throws his head back with a deep laugh.

“Oh I do, I do”

Sister : (whispers) And we’re up to day 192 of our joke hunt…we still haven’t spotted any, and we’re both beginning to feel the strain of insanity.
Twist : My teeth feel like cheese.

Giles leans in to the doorway from the kitchen were he was cooking and yells out to Xander.

“ A package came for you today its over on my desk.”

Sister : (Xander) Maybe it’s the child porn magazines I ordered.
Twist: Bow wow chicka chicka bow wow...
Sister: This does sound like a bad porn orgy.
Twist: Is there any other kind of porn orgy?
Sister: Moving on...

“For me, who would send me a package?”

Twist: The Unabomber. Duh.
Sister: (Xander) Maybe it’s those child porn magazines I ordered.

“ Don’t know, they didn’t put a return address on it.” Said Giles as he walked back into the kitchen.

Sister : Maybe it’s just some crazy Canada Post thing, but when you don’t put a return address on a package, they don’t SEND it.
Twist : It is. You crazy Canuck.
Sister : Quiet, you.

“Well only one way to find out!” As Xander ripped the paper of the package, he pulled open the flaps on the box and pulls out a book and an envelope. He looks at the book cover and then his eyes travels down to the author. He falls down to the chair closest to him thanking to god that he didn’t land on the floor because he didn’t think his legs could support him. As the girls are trying to look over his shoulder now to see what has left their friend shocked speechless. Buffy cries out “ Why did he send you that?” “To rub it in!” “Hasn’t he hurt you enough by leaving?” “Of all the nerves of the jerk!”

Twist: I’m feeling my nerves jerk too...
Sister : I guess Buffy doesn’t need other people to converse with her. She can carry a dialogue all by her lonesome.

Willow just puts her hand on the back of Xanders head and starts to pet him in a soothing manner.

Twist : (Willow) It’s okay, Scruffy. Do you want a Milkbone?

“Its ok Xan.” “Do you want to step out on the porch and read the letter in private or do you want to save it for later?”

Xander gets up and walks out the door and on to the porch sets down on the top stair putting the book down beside him and looks at the letter in his hand, willing himself calm and not to throw up all over Giles and Buffys bushes. God, the hurt and anger just thinking how he left.

Thinking back to how they met and to the last time he saw…Brad Mallory.

Twist: Who?
Sister: What?
Twist: When?
Sister: Where?
Twist: Why?!

Sister : (monotone) Am I supposed to have chills running down my spine now or something?
Twist : You mean you don’t? This is GREAT!
Sister : You’re reading good slash between the pages, aren’t you?
Twist : Um. No…?

Part 3

“How bad is it Willow?”

Sister : The fic? Pretty fucking bad.
Twist : Very.

“Don’t know Buffy but his left arm is broke and he had a huge cut on his forehead.”

Twist : When did Willow the bookworm suddenly turn into Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel?

“Hey girls it’s not that bad so stop with the grim looks. I’ve been worse.”

Twist: (Xander) Yes, I always laugh in the face of... owwww.

“Ya, well you were just flung in to a wall by a fledging vampire that was built like a tank.” “And before you ask, yes he is dust.”

Sister: Yes, that’s exactly what I was about to ask.

“Come on Buffy let’s get him to the hospital and have a cute nurse check him out and fix his arm.” “ Oh sorry a cute doctor.” Forgetting Xander coming to terms with being gay and telling his friends months before.

Twist: uh huh.
Sister: How convenient.

“No!” “No hospitals!” “No doctors!” Cried out Xander in pain.

“Xander stop being a big Mr. Tough Guy and lets get you fixed up.” “ Not all doctors are bad.”

Sister : How is he being Mr. Tough Guy? I think he’s being a wuss.
Twist : This must be BEFORE he became the best at tying shoes on the playground.
Sister : That gets ALL the ladies.

“Oh no Willow, specialty that cute psychologist Dr. Trent Payton, That you drool over and get all moon eyed over.” Said Xander.

Twist: (Xander) And I want him! He’s mine! Mine!

“ I do not.” Blushing Willow knowing that what her friends are saying is true.

Sister: She doesn’t understand the concept of exposition, does she?

“ Oh ya you do.” Laughing at her friends being able to tease each other even when things get at there worse.

Sister : A couple of issues here…
Twist : I’m going to pretend to be the straight woman here and ask. What issues?
Sister : Well, the sentence didn’t make sense, for one.
Twist : Of course not. What else?
Sister : For a guy with a broken arm, he’s being pretty glib.
Twist : Yeah, well, it IS Amanda we’re talking about.

They slowly walked Xander to Willows car trying not to put him in pain.

When they get to the hospital they walk in and stop at the front desk to speak to a nurse. Buffy leaned over the counter and said. “ Hi, can you help us my friend here was in a skateboard accident and we think he broke his arm.”

Twist: Buffy uses her amazing cleavage to get him bumped ahead in the... Wait, SMG doesn’t have cleavage. Never mind.

“ Yes just fill out these papers and Dr. Mallory; who is the doctor on duty tonight will see him.”

Sister : Dr. Mallory?! My goodness! Could this be the same Brad Mallory? How shocking!
Twist : Shut up.

“Ok!” “Willow can you fill them out for me, I mean you know everything about me anyway, I can tell you what ever you need to know, you can just write it down, I’m just going to stop babbling and go sit down before I fall down.”

Xander goes over to the chairs in the waiting room and spreads his large body that is toning so well from the hard labor of construction in to an uncomfortable chair.

Twist: Steroids had nothing to do with it.

Willow finishes the paper work and gives it back to the nurse who tells her that the doctor will be right with them.

“ Mr. Alexander Harris”

The girls jump up and nudge Xander awake. “ Right here.”

“Can you girls just wait right here please.” “ Family only” Said the nurse.

Xander turns to them with a sad smile and says “Sorry” “ Oh and Buffy if you hear me scream please come running and slay the bad, evil, doctor.”

Twist : Isn’t that murder?
Sister : Well, apparently he still wants to be a contract killer.

The girls give him a smile and small wave as a nurse wheels him to a room.

“Mr. Harris, Will you just sit up here on the bed till the doctor comes in to see you, he should be in shortly ok.”

“Ok” Xander lying back feeling dizzy from the gash on his forehead and the pain shooting through his arm. He soon starts to drift off when the doctor walks in the door and around the curtain the nurse pulled around the bed before she went out.

Twist: All this almost passing out, I think he has a concussion. They shouldn’t leave him alone to fall asleep.

“Mr. Harris” The doctor begins to nudge his shoulder to wake him up.

Xander opens his eyes and looks at the doctor and runs his eyes to the docs face when he sets his sights on to the face

Twist : We get it. Xander looked at his face.

he sucks in a gulp of air. God he’s gorgeous!

Twist: I am the High Commander and this is my salute!

He’s leaning over Xander with a look of concern and those eyes they are so brown they look black and that soft black hair, His features are so like mine thought Xander but damn he is hot.

Twist: Didn’t he just say that?

He can make me forget about a certain blonde menace that can’t stay out of my daydreams and the night ones too. Nope not going to think about the big bad. Nope not going there.

Both : Denial.

Oh ya back to the gorgeous doctor who is putting his hands all over my body checking for injuries. Oh wait, he is talking to me, focus here Xanman. God those lips I wonder if they are soft as they look.

Twist: And when I’m in severe pain all I can think about is sex.

“What?” “Oh sorry doc I um um” “No I’m fine just a bit out of it”

Sister : Did he ASK if you were okay? No. That means you don’t have to answer.

“So Alexander, how did you get so banged up?”

“Xander and skateboard accident.”

Twist: Me Xander. We shag now? *grunt, grunt*

“What?”

Sister : I agree; what?

“Please call me Xander.”

“Oh well then call me Brad.”

Sister : Not very professional of him.
Twist: Me Xander. You Brad. We shag now? *grunt*

Oh man that smile. Dr. Brad I want to kiss those soft full lips, run my hands all over your hard body, and drop to my knees and worship your ……

Both : No! Don’t stop! It was getting good!

“What?”

“Xander I’m becoming quite worried are you ok.” “Are you feeling ok you look flushed.”

Twist : You just asked him if he was okay. Twice in a row. Let him answer, maybe?
Sister : No, because then it would make sense.
Twist : Gotcha.

“Oh ya I’m just a bit dizzy and in a little pain.”

“Well let’s stitch that nasty cut on your forehead and then we will take care of your arm.”

Twist: I’m writing a book. I just can’t figure out a title. I’ve got, All Dialogue and No Prose Makes Twist something something...
Sister: Go crazy?
Twist: Don’t mind if I do! WAHOOOOOOOOOOO! Yeebieyeebieyeebie Blue Pies!
Sister: Great, now MY teeth feel like cheese.

“It looks like it has stopped bleeding so that is good and I will give you something for your headache I bet you are feeling.”

Twist : If you don’t KNOW he’s got a headache, you shouldn’t administer potent MEDICATION.

“Oh ya thanks Brad, I bet you are not only the cutest doctor here but the best.” Oh God did I just say that out loud

Sister : Yep.

oh damn I did.

Twist : Yep.

Brad leans over again and looks Xander in the eye and with a sultry deep voice says

Twist: I’ve got a wife and three children.
Sister: And they want to watch.

“Why thank you Xander I try to be the best doctor I can to all the cute guys that come in with broken arms and lacerations on their heads.”

Twist : (Xander) That’s sexual harrassment, and I don’t have to take it anymore!!

Was he flirting with me? Oh ya I think he was.

Twist: This guy’s dumber than me!
Sister: That’s quite a feat.
Twist: Shut up.

Cool! Oh ya I’m so going to come back for a check up.

“So a skateboard accident?”

“Oh ya I kind of wreaked and ran in to a wall.” It was sort of the truth Xander decided.

Sister : See, now, I don’t know how to take this. Is this a misspelling of wreck? Or is Amanda subliminally telling us her fic reeks?
Twist : Go with your gut.
Sister : My gut’s telling me to vomit.

“Well maybe next time you should just jump off your skateboard or try a safer sport, one that won’t damage that gorgeous face of yours; I can’t let anything happen to my favorite patient

Twist : You just met him. He could be a serial killer.
Sister : I’m sorry, did someone say Sassy?

now can I.” The doctor said with one hell of a sexy smile.

Twist: This is making me want to run into a wall headfirst.

“ I’ll try to be more careful doc.”

“Good now lets get you fixed up so you can go home.”

Twist : Can I go home?
Sister : But SOMEONE has to make fun of the rest of this fic.
Twist : You do it.
Sister : Hell no. If you get out of it, I’m getting out of it. We both stay.
Twist : You are the most masochistic person I know.
Sister : Quiet, you.

Part 4

A week later the Scooby gang was sitting around the table at the Magic shop researching a new big bad that was in town that Buffy saw the night before but ran away before she had time to slay it.

Twist: I’ve figured it out. She only has a certain number of sentences for each chapter, so she crams as much information int o them as possible.
Sister: Or she’s getting paid by the word.
Twist: No way is anyone paying her for this. But I will pay her to stop.

Xander was sitting with his left arm in his lap staring at all his friends name written on his cast.

Twist: (reads) Dear Xander: Want you. Love, Dr. Brad.

He was feeling really blessed at the moment to have such wonderful caring friends. But a little sad that Spike left for parts unknown and they haven’t heard from him, it wasn’t like they were friends but still he missed him and in a weird way grow to like him. He knows what he did to Buffy was wrong and he will probley yell at him for it if he ever sees him again but still he can’t shake those secret feelings he has for him either.

Twist: When I confront the demon-rapist of my best friend, I’m going to give him a stern talking-to!
Sister : The grammar, punctuation, and spelling up to this point has killed off half my brain cells.
Twist : All two of them?
Sister : Quiet, you.

Fine he will admit it to himself he was in love with Spike and has been for a while but you just don’t go around telling your friends this or the object of late night wanks that. He broke off the wedding to Anya because of it. Ya he couldn’t go through with it, he couldn’t marry Anya knowing that for the last couple months that they were together he was thinking of Spike while they were fucking.

Twist: Sunnydale, UP, WI.
Sister : Nope. Nothing out of that made sense.
Twist : But she DID say wank.
Sister : Thank goodness.

And no they didn’t make love because he felt he wasn’t in love with her. But it was after the bad break up and Anya getting her powers back to be a full demon and leaving town that he came to terms to being gay. Now all he had to do was tell his friends and he thought that would wait to a later time. But he did tell them and they were ok with it. Well a couple tears later anyway.

Twist: (Willow) *sob* I was so holding out hope he’d marry me and we’d name our first son Jesse!

And he was happy for the first time in a while he was truly happy,

Sister: He’s gay. Gay is Happy. Happy is Gay.
Twist: Ben is Glory.

his construction job was going well and he was taking classes in the evenings at the local college and soon he was going to go full time in the spring and all thanks to that full scholarship he got. He had to keep his grades up to keep it but he didn’t see a problem because he really wanted this.

Twist: No.
Sister: What?
Twist: I’m not even going to bitch about incorrect assumptions about the California Educational System anymore. I’m just going to say ‘No’.

“How is school coming along Xander?”

Sister: (Xander) Another twenty minutes at 350 degrees should make the top nice and bubbly.

“Oh it’s going great G-man, I have some hard classes but non I can’t handle; the other kids in my class are a bit younger then me but that’s ok.” Said Xander.

“ And with Buffy and Willows help with the studying I’m getting really good grades not straight A’s but B’s are ok too.”

“ So Willow how was your dinner date with Trent?” Asked Buffy.

Sister : Way to change the subject.

“ Oh ya I forgot you had a date last night.” Said Xander.

“ Are wedding bells in the near future for you wild and crazy kids?” Asked Xander.

Twist: (Willow) No. Because I’m a LESBIAN dumbass.
Sister : Are…there…two…Xander’s?
Twist : Just go with it.

“ Guys stop!” Willow laughing joyously.

Twist : (whispers) And we’re up to day 300 on our joke hunt. The wiley jokes are cunning and swift, and have so far been successful in evading our grasp.
Sister : Can I order pizza?
Twist : Well, the hunt isn’t going anywhere. I’m SURE we won’t miss any jokes if we take a break.

“ I had a wonderful time and we are going out again tomorrow night and I cant wait; he is so hot and we talked at the restaurant for hours and then he drove me home and gave me a really nice kiss.

Sister : He must look like a girl, because you’re a LESBIAN!

Oh ya and we have so much in common; we like the same music, movies and books; and well he is ok with me being an ex-witch. Except he don’t know about the whole casting spells and trying to destroy the world part.” Says Willow sadly.

Twist: So the short answer is: Yes.

“Willow you know we forgive you for all that I mean you were still in pain from losing Tara.” Xander explained to Willow while putting his good arm around her to comfort her.

Sister : (Xander) That, and I want to be a contract killer, so I can’t hold it against you.
Twist : Except that Willow didn’t get paid.

Giles walks over to stand behind Buffy and rests his hands on her shoulders and gives a loving squeeze. She looks up to his face with the same loving smile that he bestows on her and leans down to place a soft kiss on her waiting lips.

Twist: She finally goes for a younger man.

He whispers a love you against her lips before he stands up and says. “ You all should go and patrol now and please be careful.”

Sister : (Giles) And when you get home, Buffy, you can dress up like a cheerleader and call me Daddy.
Twist : That was SUCH a scary visual place you just sent me to.

“ Come on guys lets get this over with

Twist : Pwease?

I still have a paper to write and need sleep before I have to get up to go to work tomorrow.” Sighing Xander as he leads the rest of the Scooby gang out the door.

Twist: So let me get this straight, Xander is Willow, and Ben is Glory?

“Hey if we are lucky we can run into the Mr. Ugly Demon that Buffy seen last night on patrol.”

Sister : Oh, no, you did NOT just write ‘seen’.
Twist : I’m going to kick her again.

“Oh ya Willow can just feel the luck in the air I mean luck is when they leave town and to never return.” Said Xander as he rubbed his forehead where his cut was and is now an itchy scar.

Twist: (sings) Luck if you ever were a lady to begin with, Luck be a lady tonight...

“Lets roll guys.” Buffy yelled out all ready walking down the street pumped up for the fight she is hoping that is ahead.

Twist: That’s it?
Sister: Just take the blessing and run...
Twist: That was awful.
Sister: Yep. Let’s go on.
Twist: Any last words?
Sister: My teeth feel like cheese too... And wasn't this supposed to be about Xander the kindergarten teacher??
Twist: Amanda hired Alex the Bounty Hunter to kill continuity for her.