A Few truths
* Now that food has replaced sex in my life I can't even get into my own pants.
* Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
* I saw a woman with a sweat shirt with "GUESS" on it. I said implants? She hit me!
* I don't do drugs, I get the same effect just standing up quick these days
* I live in my own little world, but it's ok they know me here.
* I got a sweater for christmas. Really wanted a screamer or a moaner!
* If flying is so safe why do they call the airport a terminal.
* I don't approve of political jokes, they tend to get elected.
* There are two sides to every divorce. Yours and shithead's.
* I love being married it's so great to find the one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
* I am a nobody and nobody is perfect therefore I am perfect.
* Everyday I beat my own previous record for consecutive days I have stayed alive.
* How come we chose from two people to be President of the USA & from 50 for Miss America.
* Isn't having a smoking area in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool!
* Why is it that most nudists are people you wouldn't want to see naked.
* Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.
* Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear mum's wise words. "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!".
