How to shower like a woman.
Remove all clothing and place it in a laundry basket according to lights. darks, whites, man-made or natural, Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way then cover any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom. Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for facecloth, loincloth, armcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner enhanced with natural Crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed Apricot scrub until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger nut and Jaffa cake bodywash. Rinse Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner from hair for at least 15 minutes making sure all traces are removed. Scream loudly when partner flushes toilet and shower loses pressure and turns red hot. Turn off shower. Clean all wet shower surfaces. Spray mould spots with Flash bathroom spray. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel (Turban style). Check entire body for slightest indication of spots. Attack spots with nails or tweezers if found. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover any exposed area and rush to bedroom to spend 90 minutes getting dressed.
How to shower like a man.
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them on pile on floor.Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen shake knob at her making "WOO" sound. Admire manly physique in mirror and suck in beer belly to see if you have pecs. Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in shower, do not bother with face cloth, never used one. Wash face. Wash armpits. Laugh at how loud fart sounds in shower. Wash privates and surrounding area. Wash bum and leave hair on soap. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make shampoo Mohican. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror. Pee in shower. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice flooding on bathroom floor due to shower curtain being out of bath for duration of shower. Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror again. Admire size of knob in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel round waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, shout "YEAH BABY" and thrust pelvis at wife.
Put on yesterdays clothes and go to pub.
