The New Muse of Victoriarosewood
Wednesday, March 2, 2005
Long time coming
This has been a long time coming... I apologize.
I've been stuck in pre-dawn gray
For three long months.
The sun and stars have danced,
The moon has waxed and waned,
But I haven't felt the promise of day
Since you left me.
The midnight of my depression has passed,
My two a.m. denial has long faded,
But dawn has been elusive.
The silence of gray is on my skin--
I don't break it with screaming tears
Or the fiery red of rage--
I just soak quietly in my gray
Wait for the warmth of dawn
To color my life again
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
I'm feeling lazy today. So I made the picture extra big. Enjoy.
In case you don't know, I'm pretty obsessed with quotes. I write down quotes from books as well as from conversations with friends. Heck, sometimes I even make note of quotes from random people. Well, tonight I'll just leave you with a quote from a book I read earlier this fall - This Side of Paradise by F. Scott Fitzgerald. If the name sounds familiar, it should, he also wrote The Great Gatsby which, strangely enough, I've never read. And he's from St. Paul. Go Minnesota people. But I digress. The quote:
Youth is like a big plate of candy. Sentimentalists think they want to be in the pure, simple state they were in before they ate the candy. They don't. They just want the fun of eating it all over again. The matron doesn't want to repeat her girlhood - she wants to repeat her honeymoon. I don't want to repeat my innocence. I want the pleasure of losing it again.
Monday, December 20, 2004
Last night I made myself a pretty new pillow. Yeah, I may be a nerd, but it?s more of a symbol than a place to put my head. Today, which is my ex?s birthday and less than a week before Christmas, I have finally finished what was going to be one of his gifts. It?s a needlepoint oriental character with the phrase ?Happiness? stitched below it. It?s framed in black satin to make it a pillow, an idea his mom gave me over the summer. And even though we broke up when it was less than halfway done, I made it a point to finish it. I?m not putting my time into making happiness for him anymore, I?m working toward happiness for myself. And just to make sure I never get sappy and decide to give it to him, I made the back of the pillow pink.
Christmas really is less than a week away. I can hardly believe it. As horrible as this may sound, I really don?t like Christmas very much. I?d be perfectly happy just going to the candlelight Christmas Eve service at church, sleeping in Christmas morning, and spending the day helping my mom fix a big dinner. Ham, potatoes, wine? That?s all I want. Everyone seems so artificially happy these days. Once upon a time I loved someone so much that buying things he?d like was just an instinct. No lists, no obligations, just giving out of pure joy. How many people can say that this time of year? People running through the malls with steely determination written across their tired faces? people cutting each other off for the sake of a parking spot ten feet closer (even though they?ll all be resolving to get in shape two weeks from now)? Is that the product of love? Not just romantic love, but any true love. I know that love can make people crazy, but love should also bring out the best in people. Christmas, as far as I can tell, does not exhibit people at their best. We give thanks to God for his incredible love by blessing each other with all the greed we can muster.
Saturday, December 18, 2004
Last night I was at the Mall of America with a friend as he picked out a Christmas present for his girlfriend. I actually started to cry when we passed the fancy clocks at The Afternoon. No matter how many years go by, as long as that store is standing, it will remind me of my ex. And if it is ever replaced, its void will remind me of the void in me. My ex's Christmas present is almost done, and although it's really cool and I'm excited to have it for myself, I wonder if I'll ever be able to enjoy it without any thought to him. I wonder if never thinking about him again is really the goal. I'm not sure sometimes.
That all got me thinking about how contradictory relationships can become sometimes. People always say that actions speak louder than words, but sometimes it's just the opposite. I'm, well, I'll say I'm dating someone right now (I'm not exactly sure how to define it, but that's a whole other story), and it's the words that make all the difference. A kiss can be written off to bordom or lonliness or any number of things that have nothing to do with me. But when he looks at me and calls me beautiful... well, words speak louder than actions.
Some contradictions are well known, even though no one calls them that. "It's the little things that matter." It's true, but isn't that a bit of a contradiction, too? Holding hands before and cuddling after... why are those the things that mean so much? Whatever in the middle, no matter how wonderful, seems like it's the part most easily done without forethought, without genuine care. Not that it can't be thoughtful and caring and all that, but there's no guarentee. Not like holding someone's hand. If you were using someone, you wouldn't hold their hand.
Well, that's my stint on relationships right now. Time to crawl out of my contemplative haze... hence the photo that, if it wasn't so distorted, you could see was of fog floating over the surface of a reedy stream opening into a lake. That's kind of how I feel right now - foggy. :-P
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Rush hour and sunrise
I'm a week and a half into my new job, and I still find things to make rush hour traffic enjoyable. The first is poetry. I admit, it's not a good habit, but phrases seem to just pop into my head while I drive and the longer I think about not forgetting that phrase, the more contiguous phrases pop into my head. So eventually I just have to get out the pen and Post-it and write it down. It's not like I'm moving anyways. hehehe. A couple days ago while sitting on Highway 100 southbound around 7:45am, inspired by AFI's use of the word "amaranth," I wrote:
We planted our dreams
In amaranth seeds,
We planted our dreams
And never saw them bloom,
But they will never fade.
Somewhere beneath the surface
Something will cradle our dreams
And adore their tainted crimson glow.
The other thing that makes rush hour enjoyable is the sunrise. I've never been much of a morning person, but there is something about a sunrise that is just stunning... even more than a sunset. Maybe it has something to do with the promise of a new day, maybe it's just that I haven't seen very many, but they're beautiful. Don't worry, I don't practice photography while driving in rush hour. This is a picture from earlier this fall when I rolled, unhappily, out of bed to the sound of my alarm and saw one of the most beautiful sunrises. I grabbed my camera, hoodie, and slippers and ran down the street. The sunrise was already a bit past its peak by the time I got this picture, but I still thougth it was nice, especially for someone in their pajamas along a very busy road. :-)
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Well, I hadn't updated my webpage
in more than two years, so I decided I'd join the rest of the world in 2004 and build a blog. I needed a place to share my photos, my quotes, and whatever I manage to write in my spare time. I've taken to writing poetry in rush hour traffic, but I'm not sure how long I'll survive that habit.
I've been inspired to write again by AFI. I marvel at the extensive vocabulary and obvious poetry in their lyrics. Punk with passion. On that note, I'll leave with a quote from the untitled interlude before my favorite song...
"I kissed you at the apex of the maelstrom and asked
if you would accompany me in a quick fall,
but you made me realize that my ticket wasn't good for two.
I rode alone."
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